Guilty for thinking this way?

@littledot She is being rude, and your reasons are completely valid. I want to address reason #1, because I was that child. There is a term for it, glass child, I believe germans call it shadow child. Not only did it significantly impact my childhood and youth, I know that when my parents pass or become infirm, I will need to become responsible and take in my adult sisters with childlike brains. It is a lot, and one of the factors for my choice to consider being one and done, because at some point I will also be raising my siblings.
 
@littledot My two brothers and I see each other maybe once a year. My wife and I see our friends nearly every week. We're not cavemen stuck huddled in our family unit.

Also, screw this grumpy lady. She's just pissed that you're chilling out enjoying free time - a concept that disappeared for her 2 kids ago.
 
@littledot Please don’t feel guilty. I think people with this take are usually just trying to shift their own agenda or feelings onto you.
All your reasons are completely valid and personal to you. Only you and your partner know your capabilities and even if you felt like another would be a breeze, it’s your choice to make. Adding another life into the mix always adds complications and if you are happy with the situation as it is then that is better imo. As you say it is prioritising your family’s wellbeing and happiness.
Siblings aren’t as simplistic as this woman is implying.
 
@littledot Friend is rude is my take.

I thought a lot about your #1 too, and people say well you can't control that, it's so unlikely, etc, but as the sister in law to a developmentally disabled adult whose sibling (my spouse) is now having to take care of them it's a lot. It's so much and takes so much time.
 
@littledot I think it was probably rude to mention these things while she is actively pregnant. There is always a chance her third could have any of the issues you mentioned, or cause these issues in her family. There is a lot of anxiety about the unknown when you're pregnant, so yeah, I can see this upsetting her.

However, I share your views which is why I am OAD. I am having surgery tomorrow and my cycle was late. My husband has had a vasectomy but you never know. Omg. The spiral I was in about how much a second child would derail my life when we are getting to the light at the end of the tunnel with our toddler. The lifestyle we are able to afford with one, verse the changes we would have to make with two. I was flipping out. What if my figure didn't bounce back this time? New baby would be constantly sick from older sibling. All these things are so very unappealing to me. It really solidified our choice (rather than having some unexpected excitement about the possibility, nope, I was horrified).
 
@littledot You need to get this perfusion out of your life. Friends shouldn't nutshell family size choices, whether those are large or small choices. What she said is wildly offensive and flay out wrong. My only child husband will not be alone in the world when his parents pass; your friend seems to think the families we create don't matter only the ones we were born into.
 
@littledot I think your justifications are well considered, but you really don't need to justify this in any way shape or form. You can have good reasons, bad reasons, no reasons - doesn't matter. Ultimately it's your choice and everyone else can and should keep their asshole opinions to themselves.
 
@littledot have the exact same reasons as you, except PCOS. It's not selfish, it's realistic, honestly. I don't want to take away from my relationship with my child OR my partner!
  1. One of my closest friends has an older sister who has autism, and while it's not severe in the sense most people would think, she will never be able to be independent. She can't drive, can't have a job, can't be on her own for too long. My friend has always felt obligated to do things for her, often dropping what he's doing to drive her places or check on her if his parents go away for a weekend or whatever. It's better now that he's moved out, but if his parents die, he's the only one she has, really. My mother had my youngest siblings when I was fourteen, and I basically had to become a second parent, forgoing my high school career to help with him. I know these situations are probably not the norm, but we both have a lot of resentment because our parents neglected us in favor of our siblings, and I never want that to even be a possibility.
  2. I didn't really want kids in the first place, but I thankfully had an easy labor and birth. Twelve hours of labor and maybe twenty minutes of pushing. However, I'm still terrified, and like you said, death is always a possibility - I think my state has one of the worst maternal mortality rates by far.
  3. My babe is only one, but he's still not sleeping well. I don't want to lose even more sleep with another and have pretty much no time to myself, let alone time to actually be present and aware for the time with my son.
  4. I don't drive, although I fully intend to learn, it just hasn't been something I could really do yet. It works for us right now, but with a second, I'd definitely have to learn pretty quick. I'm already terrified of learning, I don't want to put my child at risk, and driving two young kids around would probably scare me even more than just driving myself. And like you mentioned, even just two kids requires a lot of driving.
 
@littledot I agree with everyone here that your friend is rude and you’re not selfish. I’d say you’re actually the opposite because you’re prioritizing your child’s well being.

Also, the whole “when you die, they’ll be all alone” thing is such BS. I have an older brother. He hasn’t spoken to me in almost 11 years. I’m the executor of my parents will, so when they die, I will have to deal with my estranged brother. My parents are very healthy and it is unlikely that they will die any time soon, but already I dread the after math of having to reconnect to my brother. (I also dread them during in general, but that’s not the point here).

On the other hand, my wife is an only child. She isn’t worried about being alone when her parents die because she’s married to me and I’m her support system.

Point being, it’s not like all siblings like each other and I think it’s fairly likely that most only children will have spouses/other family/friends to lean on when their parents die.
 
@littledot I have a 6 yo (7 next week!) I really love the time I get to spend with her because she’s a oneanddone. I see people with 2+ kids, and it feels like they spend most of their time managing fights and keeping one or the other child in line. Instead I get to spend my time playing, cuddling, reading, hiking, biking, etc with my daughter. I just read her a few chapters at bedtime and have one hand on her back as she falls asleep.

Don’t feel guilty for doing what’s right for you
 
@littledot Also…. Way for her to assume your child will be incapable of surrounding themselves with loved ones and family members of their own to the point of them being utterly alone when you eventually pass (after a long and happy fulfilled life) and next time you should point that out.

“It’s incredibly disrespectful of you to assume my child will grow up incapable of forming relationships. They’re only 6 right now and you’ve already decided they’re gonna be a reclusive agoraphobe with no friends, relationships/marriages or even children of their own? Who thinks that of a child? I think you need to do some deep introspection.”

Children are not born to be playmates for their siblings. That is NOT how children work. They are not living dolls or play things. There’s not even a guarantee your children will like each other, as we are all different. I don’t even like some people in my family and want nothing to do with them, but nothing running in our veins means I am bound to them.

You have children because you want to individually care for them, not as a single unit. I happen to love my siblings and we have a very tight-knit relationship as 3 girls. But that is not the reality for a lot of people.
 
@littledot Every single one your reasons are my reasons! I don’t think I’m a selfish person (or is that something selfish say 🤔lol)

I think I’m someone who knows themselves and wants to be the best mother, wife, and friend and having one child will give me the emotional and mental capacity to do that!
 
@littledot As a one and done family (daughter is turning 5 months and my tubes are already removed) please do not let anyone not family, friends, media etc tell you that you have to have more. My daughter is wonderful I love her with all my heart but my health/last birth/ and what me and my partner want do no align with more.
We had our one, we may not be 100% when trying to juggle 2 but having our one means we give her all our effort. So we know even on the harder days that we did our absolute best.
There’s a million reasons, and you’ll form your own. These people will not pay for your extra kids or care for them emotionally or mentally sooo why do they get a say? Please be unapologetically selfish in this manner. If you didn’t 100% want the second one they’ll know that. Also I want to be able to go to work, travel have hobbies, get in shape, go on her field trips and give her the biggest birthday parties and the most mommy and daddy time we can provide. The only real argument is: a sibling. But siblings can be crappy and most of the time are not close. And your kid will not be raising that sibling you will be so please be selfish. You don’t need any reason or justification. I pulled the whole, “I’m sorry you feel that way, I no longer have the organs to have more babies “ and I feel so satisfied every time.
 
@littledot I think you have very rationally thought through what you can and cannot handle in your life, as well as what you do and do not want for your future. And I think that is very practical and I have pretty much the same way of thinking / deciding as you! However, I know a lot of people make decisions more emotionally (as in, "I love kids and the idea of a big family and I will figure it out somehow, come what may.") It's two different types of people who should NOT judge each other! It would be just as easy for you to turn around and say "it's selfish to have 3 kids, because you're depriving each one of attention and experienced they'd have if you had less kids." Neither one of you is more right or wrong, but someone speaking to me like that would harm our friendship, it shows they are not respecting your way of thinking or your choices. They don't have to agree, just respect that you think differently than they do.
 
@littledot I read the first sentence and immediately thought that I would just drop that friend. You owe nobody an explanation on why you don't want more children.
 
@littledot Knowing your capacity is not selfish. It’s self-aware. High five for responsibility!!

I think people get confused between choices made selfishly and choices made through self-discernment. Self-discernment means you’ve considered your thoughts, emotions, needs, wants, & capacity; and based on those factors and how they play out in your society, made a choice for yourself and those you’re responsible for.

You don’t need to justify your choice to anyone else. Your reasons are valid. They’re yours!

I also think the choices and benefits around smaller families have not yet seeped into society. Many women still do not realize the autonomy and choice they actually have in the modern era and bow to historic or societal pressures. (Although they feel the pressures of the modern era too—careers, finances, extended childhood, loss of village, etc.)
So when they see somebody else make a choice they were unaware of, it feels unfair and they lash out. That’s for them to deal with.

You don’t owe anyone guilt for making responsible choices for your family.
 
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