Giving my kids (and myself) what I didn’t have

[tammyinga]

Why do I get nervous making my own posts lol

So to first give context, I moved around a lot growing up. I didn’t attend the same school for longer than a year until I got into high school, so my whole life was just a blur of houses that never became homes and people that never became friends. I’ve always envied people who grew up in the same house, had childhood friends they’ve known since pre-K, had block parties and neighborhood friends and those memories.

Whenever I daydream about my future life with my future children, true mundane, day-to-day life fantasies, the ones that give me the biggest sense of longing is this idea of being a part of a community. So badly I want to live in a house that is a home. I want to have friends who are also moms with kids the same age so we can do play dates and get togethers and celebrate holidays and birthdays together. I want to be able to run across the street and knock on the door if I need a mixing bowl, or if I need someone to watch the kids for a moment they can go to someone I trust who has known them their whole lives. I know some people think it’s boring and cliche but I want to be a PTA mom. I want my kids to be involved in teams and classes and projects. I want them to have the community I never had.

Sometimes I get sinking feelings that this won’t happen. None of my close friends have kids, they aren’t in mindset of looking for a partner to settle down with. I’d be the first person within our friend group to have a kid if I’m successful this year and I’m worried about feeling alone and not having someone to turn to. But also maybe quarantine just amplified my feelings of being alone. Idk, maybe I’m just in my feelings but this is something I think about a lot.

 

[chaoticjoy3]

@tammyinga Do you live in a place with something like the National Childbirth Trust? My mother had no friends who had children when I was born (early starter at 30) and made friends for life (or certainly for the thirty years since I was born) through her local NCT group. I played with those kids as a child, we went to each others' parties - and my Mum still sees her friends regularly.

I don't want to live in the kind of neighbourhood you're describing (too homogeneous) but that works for lots of people - they all move into (often newly built) houses at the same time and have kids there. It's not that far out of reach for lots of people.

 

[tammyinga]

@chaoticjoy3 I’m not sure if my area has anything like the national childbirth trust but I’m sure there are a lot of groups for moms in different parts of the city. It’s something to look into! And yeah, I know my idea of what I want can seem boring/conforming (and I definitely don’t want to step in a whitebread, suburbia, Stepford Wives situation) but after experiencing so much instability growing up I just want to have a sense of being stable and having support. I’m sure I’ll find/build my network (hopefully lol).

 

[katrina2017]

@tammyinga If you have kids you will also make new friends who are moms. If you want to be that kind of mom you’ll probably find other moms like that. And your current friends may have kids too, you may even be setting the example for them. I think it’s nice to want to give kids things we didn’t have, just don’t take it so far that it paralyzes you.

 

[moses199]

@tammyinga This hits home because although I grew up in a neighborhood that is a perfect description of the community you described, I did not stay in contact with any of my childhood friends.. except one. My best friend since pre-school, someone who was with me throughout all of the milestones and who I had such a rich history with. It wasn't until 2 years ago that we permanently stopped communicating because she became a toxic friend and would literally blow me off during the most important times when I needed her most in my life (ex: ditching my wedding shower and lying to me saying she had a "family emergency", but in reality, she ended up going to go to another friend's bachelorette party. What made this so hurtful is because I wasn't having a "traditional" wedding and that was ultimately my only opportunity to celebrate with her). So, I guess what I'm trying to say is even if you had that stable community growing up, it doesn't mean that you are guaranteed to keep your childhood friends after... childhood.

Here is what I have witnessed when other people I know are the first one in their circle of friends to have kids: since you are in a completely new phase of life than your current friends, you will have less and less in common and find yourself drifting apart. This isn't a negative thing, because you will want to make new friends who are also new moms who you can relate to/vent to/are in the same phase of life as you. Of course, having kids will not cause you to stop being friends with your current circle, but your relationship with them will not be the same as it was when you were all in the same phase of life. I'm sure if/when your other friends start to have kids, you will find yourself naturally seeing each other more and becoming closer again. For me, personally, this is the same concept as when I got married and wanted to make more married friends vs. single friends. Nothing against those single friends, but since we were now in different stages of life, the things we wanted to do became different and we naturally started drifting apart.

 

[katrina2017]

@tammyinga I don't have a solution for you but I had s similar upbringing and I can 100% relate to everything you are feeling. I just wanted to offer my support and say good fucking job.