@johnjarrell Yes. I think I need to keep it short simple sentences
Give your best line for “no”
- Thread starter kimmjohns
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- rant stay-at-home parents
anoncoholic
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@kimmjohns Just out of curiosity, does your husband not like being around his sibling either? I'm sorry you are in this position, I love whole family vacations, even if family is a pain sometimes. Hope you guys work through this.
@anoncoholic He doesn’t like SiL or BiL but he will do his best to make his mom happy. And she will keep digging into him. For months. And months. And try to convince him. Until he is finally like “fine, leave me alone”
@kimmjohns Ah, so he's taught her that relentless pestering is an effective strategy. She will never stop until she learns that it will no longer work.
anoncoholic
New member
@anoncoholic 
I’m gonna respect my kids’ no when they’re adults and accept that they may prefer to spend time together that doesn’t involve a family vacation with people they don’t get on with.
I’m gonna respect my kids’ no when they’re adults and accept that they may prefer to spend time together that doesn’t involve a family vacation with people they don’t get on with.anoncoholic
New member
@mem5 Its so interesting and weird to me to be down voted for wanting my family to be a family past 18 years of raising them. Its such an interesting and new idea to me that some don't want to push for their family to keep doing things together and truly be a family past adulthood. Just never something i experienced. Thank God. Loved time with my cousins as a kid even if my dad didnt at all see eye to eye with his brother, who was one hell of a 'fun' uncle.
Thanks for sharing your views though, its interesting to see new takes on family dynamics.
Thanks for sharing your views though, its interesting to see new takes on family dynamics.
@anoncoholic It’s interesting to me that you have repeatedly chosen to interpret a family vacation as the only family time that can happen.
Why does “family time” have to take place on your or MIL’s terms? Why can’t it happen in a way that works for the other adults in the family?
It’s odd that you’ve decided that because others do it differently, that we don’t want to spend time with our families.
Perhaps when you say “be a family past 18 years,” what you really mean is “I want my children to continue to defer to me as the authority in their life until I’m dead,” and if that is the case, then you’re right: I definitely don’t agree with that.
Why does “family time” have to take place on your or MIL’s terms? Why can’t it happen in a way that works for the other adults in the family?
It’s odd that you’ve decided that because others do it differently, that we don’t want to spend time with our families.
Perhaps when you say “be a family past 18 years,” what you really mean is “I want my children to continue to defer to me as the authority in their life until I’m dead,” and if that is the case, then you’re right: I definitely don’t agree with that.
anoncoholic
New member
@mem5 I havent but its the subject of the OP so i was sticking to that. It's been made clear OP does not like spending time with in laws. But ill stop there before things spins too far away from OP. We def disagree with many things when it comes to family. Again thanks for sharing your view, its always nice to see outside my world.
anoncoholic
New member
@kimmjohns Thats unfortunate. Hope they resolve their issues. Sounds like mom just wants the family together. Can't blame her much there really. Tough to have siblings you don't see eye to eye with.
@anoncoholic I understand her point. I am willing to do a “beach day” in my home state. She will get her family beach trip.
anoncoholic
New member
@kimmjohns There you go. Prolly the start of a good compromise. Id use that in your hard no phrasing
@kimmjohns We are in a similar position as you. We love my in-laws, all of them. We have gone out of our way in the past to see my BIL, SIL, and nieces when it works for them. This has meant jumping on short notice and cancelling plans in order to accommodate their schedule, all to make my MIL happy. This has gone on for far too long, 18 years or more. This past Christmas season I finally said that we were not going to make a visit with them a priority. If they come into town and it works with our schedule, we will be there, but we won’t wait to make plans or cancel existing plans to see them. This was a freeing moment.
Almost a decade ago, my MIL and FIL wanted to take all of us to Disneyland. That meant my elderly in-laws, my uptight BIL and SIL, our two nieces, both under 8, my husband, myself, and our 5 kids who ranged in age from 2 to 10. I politely said no, but thank you. I said that our kids just were not old enough for the trip to be enjoyable, and I would not take the kids until the youngest was at least 4. My MIL planned a trip with the BIL/SIL and nieces and kept getting confused about which year we would be willing to go. I finally relented and said that we could go the same year, but not at the same time. The in-laws all went early in the year and then we went with MIL/FIL late in the year. It was a very stressful trip, but it would have been intolerable if we had gone as a complete package.
Almost a decade ago, my MIL and FIL wanted to take all of us to Disneyland. That meant my elderly in-laws, my uptight BIL and SIL, our two nieces, both under 8, my husband, myself, and our 5 kids who ranged in age from 2 to 10. I politely said no, but thank you. I said that our kids just were not old enough for the trip to be enjoyable, and I would not take the kids until the youngest was at least 4. My MIL planned a trip with the BIL/SIL and nieces and kept getting confused about which year we would be willing to go. I finally relented and said that we could go the same year, but not at the same time. The in-laws all went early in the year and then we went with MIL/FIL late in the year. It was a very stressful trip, but it would have been intolerable if we had gone as a complete package.
@kimmjohns "No."
"We've already discussed this. If you ask again, I'm hanging up."
"That doesn't work for us."
Stop responding. She's treating this as a negotiation. She thinks she has a vote. It isn't, she doesn't. Stop entertaining her misconceptions.
"We've already discussed this. If you ask again, I'm hanging up."
"That doesn't work for us."
Stop responding. She's treating this as a negotiation. She thinks she has a vote. It isn't, she doesn't. Stop entertaining her misconceptions.
theycallmejt
New member
@kimmjohns So, here’s the thing. It sounds like she wants the whole family to be together. Which is understandable. Does she understand that you have issues with the way BIL/SIL have attitude toward your children? Would you be willing to go on a vaca with just her (and grandpa if there is one)? Families are all different, but if she doesn’t know about the tension, she should. And if she’s willing to go with you and you’re cool with it, just be really clear that if BIL/SIL “show up” on the vacation, it will be the last one EVER.
Otherwise, a simple, “I’m sorry, but that won’t work for our family.” will suffice.
Otherwise, a simple, “I’m sorry, but that won’t work for our family.” will suffice.
@theycallmejt We invited her on our vacation. She didn’t want to come. Florida is too hot. 
theycallmejt
New member
@kimmjohns Bravo! Now it’s just a simple, “I’m sorry, that won’t work for our family.”
@kimmjohns This is a pointless discussion I’m not going on a family vacation ever. Repeat till mil gets it.
danielsmith
New member
@kimmjohns So when I set a hard boundary or give a hard no and am still questioned, usually my mom, my follow up line is, "Did I stutter? Or are you ignoring what I said?"
“No no noooooo no noooo”.