Friend’s 8yo son fake falls when around peers, why? And how to address it?

[xxtroubledchristianxx]

My friend (f) has a son (8) who routinely falls down and plays dead when playing with friends. Example, the soccer ball comes to him and he pretends it knocks him over and he’s out cold…

At first this was seen as silly and just a schtick he come up with for giggles, but it’s gone on now for two years at least. His grandparents are clearly frustrated but his mom ignores the fact that it’s not normal behavior. The boy is highly intelligent but given his many quirks finds it hard to make friends. The mother recently got upset when she heard from her older son (11) that some boys in a group of playmates (mixed ages 6-12) were making fun of her 8yo for fake falling. She calls it his “falling thing”. My thought is, though no adults were there to witness, that their response was likely a normal social reaction to what they perceived as abnormal behavior. As in, if a kid is picking his nose he’s going to get laughed at. Similarly, a kid throwing himself down and flopping around is going to get laughed at. Background: the mother is the dominant figure in the home, has a long history of being over-protective, and the dad is checked out and not involved in any notable way. Please help me understand what is motivating this child’s behavior.

 

[loveneverfailshim]

@xxtroubledchristianxx Hi there, I am sorry if my response sounds overly clinical, psychology, child and family science major here! I have had a lot of experience working with children in an early education setting and within child welfare services, and I feel I have some possible explanations for you. Hopefully this can help point you in the direction of greater understanding and finding ways to support this kiddo and your friend. All child behavior is communication that expresses a need, and it is wonderful that you are reading into this child's behavior and seeking an understanding in ways that his parents are not.

This really sounds like a more extreme example of negative attention seeking behavior, combined with a lack of social skills. Attention or negative attention seeking behavior can develop when the child is lacking connection, positive attention or reinforcement. By the sounds of it, the kiddo could be lacking that vital need in the home. Children need to feel connected, prized and loved by the adults responsible for loving and caring for them... and if they do not receive this in the home, they will inevitably find a means of receiving the attention they need elsewhere, in ways that are maladaptive and even provoke negative reactions from those around them. A common saying I've seen is that any attention is better than none, even it is negative. However, the child is still very young, so he may not even realize that others are making fun of him, and believe they are laughing with him, rather than at him. You said that he also finds it hard to make friends... It sounds like he needs help learning how to connect with peers in socially acceptable ways, and perhaps receive support in developing greater perspective taking so that he can learn to accurately recognize the emotional cues and responses from his peers. Having an overprotective parent is absolutely known to compromise social skills, and by what you describe, this child is struggling in that department.

I am curious- how warm, responsive, or nurturing would you say your friend is to her son? His "falling thing" could very well be a maladaptive way of receiving the attention he needs and may not be receiving from either parent. There are MANY studies on the consequences of overprotective parenting on child wellbeing and development, as well as having an absent parent. I would look into those and see if it lines up with your observations in the child... perhaps that can start to explain more of his behavior. With the absence of the father, surely the child is going to need nurturing care from the other parent before problems start to arise. Negative attention seeking is typically a common sign that something is wrong.

I will tell you a brief story to give you an example of the attention seeking behavior I am talking about. When I worked as an assistant early childhood educator, there was a four-year-old child in the pre-k classroom who was always on the quieter side and tended to be singled out and disciplined more than others in the classroom (By the leads, unfortunately, but never by me). I noticed his mother was always very rushed and inpatient with him during drop off and pickups as well. Well, that child very quickly caught on to how I prioritized emotional regulation and frequently supported children with co-regulation, and he soon began to approach me and say that he was "sad" and would ask me to talk with him. The child quickly learned that in order to receive connection, support, and care, he needs to pretend to be sad... This behavior actually got to the point of it being disruptive, and he became very demanding of wanting to "talk," when he was "sad." I sought advice from a professor I was working with at the time, and she made it apparent to me that the child had quickly learned how to receive positive attention, and suggested to find moments where I could give him individualized, positive attention before he even had the chance to tell me he was "sad." Less than a month after implementing this approach, and that behavior had completely extinguished. In your friend's case, this child sounds like he is in similar need of learning how to connect in socially acceptable ways.

I hope my suggestions and little story can provide some sort of insight or clarity on what your observing. Hopefully this kiddo can get support in learning the social skills he will need to be happy and successful in the years to come.

 

[xxtroubledchristianxx]

@loveneverfailshim Thank you for your comment. I have to agree with all of this. I had not thought about over protective parenting resulting in lack of social skills. I’m seeing this in her other son too who is a couple years older. Here is a recent scenario: we are playing a neighborhood soccer game, a kid kicks the ball out of bounds and the ball becomes the possession of the other team. Instead of handing it off he throws the ball, not full force but maybe 30%, at her older son’s face hitting his mouth. Two male adults, myself included, come to check on him to make sure he’s ok and to admonish the aggressor who should have handed him the ball. Her older son stands there with arms by his side, sort of whimpering like he doesn’t know what he wants to respond with, like he’s thinking it over. Sniffling a bit but not crying. I’m thinking what the heck is happening he seems ok, at worst he has a sore lip but no blood. Then like a cyclone his mom comes running in from behind me and arm over his shoulder escorts him out of the game in a rush. He didn’t finish the game in which all of his friends were participating. He was 10 seconds from being fine and back in the game but his mom took that away from him. Thoughts? What are the behavioral impacts of this for children when they become adults? Thinking about his younger brother, I don’t see him fake falling in his 20s, so what is the compensatory behavior at the age? Does it change based on the relationship and setting? Manifest into all sorts of mommy issues?

 

[tjbutter]

@xxtroubledchristianxx Has he seen a psychiatrist? Sounds like he could be Neurospicey.