@spiritualgrowth I have a 3 year old daughter. If this same scenario happened with her, I would feel very uncomfortable. I think my #1 issue would be the difference in gender. However, I'm not sure why I would feel this way really. When my step-son was very young he had a younger sister(his mother's child by a different father) and they would often stay with his dad & myself as well as vacations. Anyways, I would put them in the tub together. I would also assist in washing their hair & drying off as small children need some help with this. But this wasn't a half sibling or sibling, cousin, bff's child, etc. This was a friend from class who was the opposite sex! That is what actually caused me to think "oh no no no".
I do feel like she was only trying to help. And given this situation it seems even more so. The short time your daughter was at their house is another discomfort-or would be for me. But I still feel as though she meant no harm. Definitely talk with your daughter about how she felt & how she would feel about going back to their home. Then go from there depending on what her responses are.
You can never be overreacting when it comes to your child, not in my opinion anyways!
@spiritualgrowth I think you are entitled to feel how you do, but I think it’s good your thinking about a bit before deciding how to proceed. Its a different world. I think that’s pretty grey as far as “appropriate” - like it’s not something I would do, and I would ask. If they have siblings or if the parent grew up with was siblings they wouldn’t necessarily see the issue. Every home is so different. I also think society (western) has become really cautious regarding activities that if done as adults, would have a different context. A Little boy and girl sharing a bed to nap at nap time, brothers and sisters bathing, these historically typical things have come into question. I have read a lot about fathers fearing boundaries with their own female children for example, changing/bathing, anything involving private areas. Everything is a bit more complicated. I don’t really blame people for that either. I guess my point is we are at point of cross-over where I think parents have some wider differences in what they think is “harmless”. To that reality, I would say the most important thing is making sure your child has a healthy perspective about it. There’s a fair chance she didn’t think much about it and with your boundaries in place she won’t be in that situation again. I’d like to think the other parent(s) would respond respectfully to the idea it’s not something you are okay with at her age.
@spiritualgrowth That’s fucking weird. 200% weird. You don’t bath a child unless you are watching her for a long period of time and the parents gave explicit instruction to do so or if there was a huge mishap involving soiled clothes. Your gut is telling you this was fucked up. Listen to your gut. Ask your daughter more questions about what went on at that house and never leave her in their care again.
@spiritualgrowth This is called grooming. Pedophiles groom families as well (otherwise how would they get access to their children?). It starts with something that pushes some boundaries but can be explained away and then next it will be a bath when J needs a bath too. And don’t tell mommy because she might get jealous…just think about whether you would bathe someone else when they came for dinner or expect them to bathe while they were over for dinner-no! Of course no one is coming for dinner and staying for a bath. This is insane! You doubting yourself is giving power to the person who for some reason wants your child naked in their home.
@spiritualgrowth Chances are it was innocent but I find it pretty bizarre. I would question her general judgement. There isn't any real reason to bath a kidnstaying over for dinner. If it was bath night she could have not invited your kids over
@spiritualgrowth Talk with your daughter, check to see how she felt about it.
On the surface that doesn’t feel malicious in any way. It feels like she was just trying to help because you were unwell. Did she overstep, yes, but I don’t think this was done with anything malicious in mind.
I’d then have a chat with the mum. Thank them for what they have been doing to help but ask that next time she’s over for dinner if she’d hold off on the bath or ask first. You can just say that you’re trying to teach consent with your daughter, part of that is letting her know if she may need to have a bath with someone other than her parents and you just want to keep that going.
@spiritualgrowth I do understand your concern, but I think if you allow your child to stay at someone else's house then you might expect that they would give the child a bath. A lot of parents give their children a bath every night and see it as part of their bedtime routine (I only do it once a week but that's because my girls have eczema).
I would like to say that I definitely wouldn't bath someone else's child without their express consent, but in all honesty I can think of situations where I might consider it. If the child was having an impromptu sleep over because the parents were very ill, and the child had gotten particularly dirty (from playing, food etc) then I might not call them to check if it was ok to bath them because I would be worried about disturbing them when they are ill, and I also might think that calling them to ask if it was ok might make the parents feel more uncomfortable than me just getting on and doing it. I think that I probably would still always call them to ask if it's ok, but I can understand that someone else might make a different choice, and that wouldn't necessarily be wrong.
What did your daughter say about it? Have you mentioned it to her? It's worth finding out if she was comfortable with it, but obviously make sure not to ask any "leading" questions. I would keep it light and breezy, but make sure you finish the conversation by telling her that it's always ok for her to say no in these kinds of situations.
@spiritualgrowth You are not overreacting at all! I would never bathe a child that isn't mine without asking permission from the parents. The only reason I would ever even think to bathe a child would be if they had a bathroom accident. What does your partner think of this??? Personally I would have a frank conversation with J about boundaries and that you are not comfortable with what she did. I would also not let my child be around them again, this is not okay. There was no reason for that woman to bathe your daughter. Have you spoken to your daughter about this? What does she say?
@spiritualgrowth You need to talk to your wife and tell her to tell this friend to back off before you tell her. She should not be seeing your kid naked. Wtf is going on?
@nasusnuboc And you commenting that the woman is obviously a pedophile is helpful?? I mean they have trusted this women enough to be alone with their child. Sounds like the woman was trying to be helpful. If the dad is uncomfortable he should say so, thank the woman but tell her he would appreciate she not do it again. This does seem quite personal for you.
@sagarbhc If you lived through abuse, you might be more sensitive to the subject too. It is a blatant fallacy to discount or disregard someone's advice on the subject because they may have firsthand experience on the subject, regardless of their emotion on the subject. Many would argue the opposite should happen. Wise people learn from the experiences of others to avoid having to learn by their own.
@spiritualgrowth First check if the two children were in the bath at the same time? Or was it one after the other?
If it’s one after the other, then it could be intended as nice gesture to help you out when you’re sick. For a 5 yo kid, J might just have stayed outside the bathroom with the door open a crack in case your daughter needed help.
@spiritualgrowth I don't think it's unusual for siblings, cousins, family friends etc. this age to have a bath together. It's more likely than not that 'J' had no ill intentions. It probably never crossed J's mind that you might be uncomfortable with the kids bathing together. Since it was the first time this happened, please just calmly talk to J about it. Say something like "J, after you told me the kids took a bath together, it has been on my mind a lot. Of course you had no way of knowing beforehand, but honestly it just makes me uncomfortable. You didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not comfortable with it, for my child. If the situation every arises again, it would make me feel better if they don't takes baths together. if J is a reasonable person & the kind of friend you want to keep around, they will respect this boundary, move on, and never let it happen again. Of course if it does happen again, your 100% within your rights to end the friendship. But my feeling is this was totally innocent; the kids were playing & it was easier to let them keep playing together when bath time rolled around. Have that conversation soon!! This is obviously bothering you.
I am going to assume this woman does not show signs of being a child abuser so what exactly do you have an issue with. She was staying the night in the house, it's not strange for her to get washed while she is there.
My nanny changed our LOs diaper, should I start being worried that she is being inappropriate?
@someguy77 I think when OP said “staying over” they meant staying at the friend’s home after school until after dinner, not overnight.
I think it’s weird and would be uncomfortable, but it’s also quite possible that “J” thought they were doing OP a favor and stupidly didn’t think to get permission or consider that others might find it inappropriate. I’d probably ask the daughter innocently about her take on the bath before talking to “J” about it, and go from there (at the very least asking “J” not to bathe my child again without my express permission).
@katrina2017 I still think he is overreacting. It's not like the other mother did it for her own enjoyment, but probably just thought she needed a bath.
I can assure you the only reason he is worried is because society has it in your head that everyone is some sort of pervert.
