Father’s sister doesn’t want her kids to know about our daughter

mikera

New member
My daughter is 3 years old and we have had very little contact with paternal family.

Lately I have initiated more contact and offering to have more meet ups.

I recently found out the father’s sister (daughter’s bio aunt) hasn’t told her children that he has a child - the reason being we weren’t married when she was conceived and her kids are “too young” to know about our child. Their ages range from 4-10.

I was livid.

What should I do?

The father sees no issue. He also has 0 custody, pays nothing, and only visits when it’s convenient. So far three times this year.

I am hurt as a mom to know my daughter isn’t welcome by her family because of how she was conceived. All while the father gets to live his life like nothing happened.

It’s horrible. Pro-life Christians, too. The hypocrisy is maddening.
 
@katrina2017 It is heartbreaking. My dad never accepted my son, HIS ONLY GRANDCHILD, and A BOY, with MY LAST NAME, lol. My dad never spoke to me after I told him I was pregnant. 3.5 years later he was close to death and had his wife invite my sister and I to visit… never mentioning my son in there I texted to confirm that they were aware my son would coming too, just in case they didn’t know, and so my son got to meet his grandpa they shared yogurt together and my dad reluctantly let my son play with his model cars, and I got a couple pictures to cherish I guess. But ya. I didn’t know any better then. I wish I had had more self worth and self esteem and better male role model as a kid bc, we were treated so coldly by the entire family for the entire time we were there. I mean. COLD AND CRUEL AND WITH PURE DISDAIN! I was like why did I feel so excited for my son to meet such horrible people even if they’re blood immediate family DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO LOVE THEM OR PUT UP WITH ABUSE! My bar was set so low and this experience was actually the catalyst to my enlightening and coming out of my lifelong fog from a long life of abuse. It’s all I’ve experienced. Bc I stayed connected to my abusive family who kept discarding me and then my son after my mother of course was casted out there we went like yesterdays bread. Without so much as a flicker of remorse. Why would I want my son to know those people who treated me so horribly and DID NOT in fact love me at all?
I asked a cousin of mine on that side of my fam who no longer spoke to any family except her brothers and asked her how she did that. What was I lacking that I couldn’t just say to them I’m worth more than how you people treat me?
Her answer was simple. When people who aren’t your actual family treat you better than your actual family those people become your family. Raise your bar on who you will allow in your family. Just bc they’re relatives does not mean you owe them anything.

Idk if you wanted my life’s history on your comment here, sorry… but the comment is so accurate but not at all simple to get to if this has devastated you for the first time. So I just wanted to Elab on it. I agree with the comment above. And this is how I got there. Anyway. Good luck. Raise your bar honey. It will in turn give your child a strong role model for their own self worth. 💛
 
@mikera As a mother who’s mother in law is Christian, she’d be disgusted with your kids’ aunt, and welcome your babies with open arms. I’d go NC. Excuse while I go vomit. This is why I’m agnostic. I’d be your kids’ aunt.
 
@mikera Coming from a bastard child who was often reminded that I was a bastard - that family is not worth having. They will try to make your child feel like they are worth less because they weren’t “born in the right circumstances”.

Is it sad that your child doesn’t have as much family as other kids? Yes. But subjecting them to attitudes like this is much, much worse.
 
@mikera What should you do about Christians being Christian?

Nothing. They didn’t get there because of logic, so nothing you say or do will change anything.

You should establish paternity and get child support - because that benefits your daughter
 
@heartfullofchrist I’m so sorry for the way she’s treating you and your daughter, OP.

As a Christian, this isn’t Christ-like behaviour. First and foremost, Romans 5:23-24 makes it clear that we have all sinned and we are all made right with God through the sacrifice that Christ made at the cross. Secondly, when you read the gospels you see that Christ spent time with outcasts that people like Pharisees stayed away from; he didn’t condemn but loved them called them to repent. Thirdly, the Bible makes it clear that children are a blessing from God. Children who are conceived out of wedlock are not any less of a blessing than children who are conceived within a marriage. Finally, there’s a lot of instruction about how we as Christians are to conduct ourselves. For example, in Luke 6:32-36 Jesus says “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful”.

So although the sister can hold fast to her belief that children should be conceived within a marriage, it doesn’t give her a pass to treat her niece and niece’s mother poorly. Based on what we learn about God and His Son Jesus Christ through scripture, we know that they wouldn’t have treated the niece and her mother the way the sister is doing.

I also want to add that I’m also a Christian and a single mum. I became a Christian later in life and used to use sex to get validation from men before becoming a Christian. After being a Christian for nearly a year, I made a stupid mistake while going through a tough time and slept with a guy I was involved with before becoming a Christian. I got pregnant and the guy chose not to be involved and I respected that. Our church is very clear that sex before marriage is a sin. When I told them what I had done they reminded me that we’re all sinners who have fallen short and they made it clear that I’m no worse than any of them. They reminded me of the gospel and that God is faithful to forgive when we confess our sins. They also reminded me that children are a gift from God, and celebrated the new life that God had created. They’ve since then been such an incredible support system. The ladies at church threw me a baby shower. When I was moving houses at 38 weeks, they did my bond clean and helped me unpack and settle into my new place. One of the ladies from church spent a whole day with me while I was in labour. She was the first to visit when the baby was born and drove me home from the hospital. They even dropped off meals and I’ve received so many baby-sitting offers. My pastor’s wife will even watch the baby once a week when I return to uni when my maternity leave ends. My son is definitely loved by my church community.
 
@betreshalephshinyadtaw Christians are the worst about judging how other Christians are being un-Christian. It’s almost like it’s a completely made up set of rules that you can apply as you see fit and what you are doing is right but what others are doing is wrong.

Wait. It’s not almost like that. It is that.
 
@heartfullofchrist So if someone who considers themselves a Christian murders someone, would I be judgemental for saying that it is wrong to murder? Or less extreme examples, if they insult or bully or lie, would I be judgemental for saying that those actions are wrong? There is a difference between judging and rebuking. You can point out that an action is wrong without being judgemental and without being ‘holier-than-though’. Rebuking in line with scripture doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone. Paul considers himself the foremost of sinners but he still rebuked Peter in Galatias when his actions weren’t Christ-like.

Edit: also as you can see from my comment, I’ve also behaved in a way that in un-Christ like and that’s what I emphasised by saying that we’ve all fallen short.
 
@betreshalephshinyadtaw The comment was about Christians regularly calling other, self identified Christians, as un-Christian and you jumped right past that to “is it wrong to murder someone?” The discussion is about how Christians find it so easy to disavow their brethren when it’s more convenient to do so than to accept others are behaving differently under your same religion.

Why do you people do that?

When someone tells me they are a Christian doing Christian things I believe them.

“Rebuking in line with scripture” is exactly what OP’s in-laws will say they are doing. What makes your interpretation more accurate?
 
@heartfullofchrist I wasn’t saying she wasn’t a Christian; I said her behaviour is un-Christlike - which is a totally different thing. I can’t be the judge of whether someone is a Christian or not but if we as Christians behave in ways that are contrary to scripture, we’re told to call each other out. There’s a lot in the Bible about rebuke - which is meant to be done out of love vs judging, which is done out of self-righteousness. So we can’t always just accept when other Christians behave differently when it’s contrary to how we’re explicitly told to behave in scripture. For example, the Pharisees behaved very differently to Jesus. But he didn’t just accept it; he rebuked. The same goes for Paul in the example I gave and in many of his letters.
 
@heartfullofchrist What’s right isn’t determined by us, but by God . I’m sure the Pharisees thought that they were behaving in a way that was aligned with scripture but Christ showed that they actually weren’t. And there’s been a lot of things that I’ve done in the past that I thought were Christ-like but through rebuke and scripture I’ve come to learn that they weren’t
 
@betreshalephshinyadtaw Changing your opinion of what is and isn’t Christ-like means there’s no definition…

Keep believing in whatever you believe in. Tomorrow it will be different, and yet you’ll be just as assured that it’s right.

I wish I’d have invented religion. It literally requires zero proof and the supposed source is utterly contradictory. Who’d have thought people would fall for it?
 
@mikera They're the owners of that decision, not you. Don't be saddened by it. Just be happy and relieved that your daughter doesn't have to endure a stifling Christian environment that teaches shame and arrogance.
 
@mikera Nah. My boy just turned 4 and we haven’t seen paternal family since he was about 2 months old. They half-ass tried to keep in touch but offered zero support. Absolutely do yourself a favor and cut it off now before your daughter gets her heart broken by these assholes
 
@mikera If the father himself isn’t having any meaningful
Contact I wouldn’t give the sister much thought . Were
You trying to circumvent the father and get contact with the more extended father ? I wouldn’t bother
 
Back
Top