Family not being respectful (involuntarily)

[etxn1960]

When I got pregnant, I promised myself that this little bean would never feel the anxiety and stress from me that I've felt from my family my whole life. I am one and done and try to do everything as well as possible for my son.

I'm very close with my family. I see my parents and my sister often. My parents help me a lot. This does not cancel the fact that our relationship is S U P E R stressful. Now if we want to focus solely on my 3 year old son, they contradict me in front of him. when I talk to him to give indications like we are going in the car seat and then I'll give you the cookie, there's suddenly like my mom talking at the same time telling him her own indications as if it was her role. I end up yelling because no one listens other wise (my parents or sister) I'm the youngest in my family and I feel like they think they are entitled to do as they please.

Tonight I "yelled" at my mom after trying to ask to stop nicely (I was VERY stressed out by so many things) because she yet again started to tell my son what to do when I was literally giving him indications peacefully, and my son yelled back at me mirroring what I just did.

This is a lot of stress for him. Not only I don't want to yell at people in front of him, especially not family members he loves, and make him live these situations.

What would you do if you were me? Honestly I'm so done with everyone I could just stop seeing people. But let's be real, my son is my one and only and the only grandson my parents have. Also they are the ones who take care of him when I go out once in while. But at the end of the day, my main concern is my son mental health. I want no toxicity around him. I feel like I'm being weak by letting this happening.

 

[lisarenee]

@etxn1960 I’m in a somewhat similar situation. My mom was abusive when I grew up. My baby is now four months and I’ve decided before she was born to have my mom involved as little as possible. It sucks because my fiancé’s parents died and my dad doesn’t live in the same country. So we have no support whatsoever. But you know what, I’ll take that any day over my mom’s manipulations and gaslighting. I also vowed to never let my baby experience what I experienced as a child and that meant making the hard decision of not having my mom involved and thus having very little support. There’s no easy solution to your problem. Especially if you have already tried talking to your family about what bothers you and they continue to do it. Put in place boundaries and consequences if they cross those. See if that works. If that doesn’t work, I’m afraid reducing contact is your only option.

 

[ghost_eclipse]

@lisarenee I could have written this myself.

 

[katrina2017]

@ghost_eclipse I have a similar situation. I don’t have a kid yet, but I’ve watched my mom make poor decisions around my niece. She would do things my brother explicitly said not to, like give her soda when they just want her having water, juice, and milk. My mom has had alcohol and then driven my niece. She let my disabled dad “watch” my niece playing down a hill in a public park while she went to get more alcohol and he couldn’t run to get her if someone tried to take her.

I’m so afraid of leaving my future kid with her bc I know she’ll feel entitled to do what she wants bc she’s “grandma”. I’m going to try to keep her involved as little as possible until I can trust her. It seems like she’s lightened up on the drinking since they separated, but only time will tell.

As of right now the only person close to us is my FIL. My MIL is 8 hours away and both my parents are 3. I don’t think I’ll have much support either but everyone has mentioned moving back and honestly, I’d rather have the little support bc of how crazy our families are. I don’t want my kid as anxiety ridden as me when they grow up.

 

[radon]

@katrina2017 Do not leave your future kid with her. Find a good babysitter and pay them well to enjoy time for yourself.

 

[kuriositina]

@etxn1960 The hard but simple answer is that you need to pull back on spending time with them. It will be very hard to do, but tell them why. And then every time you do visit, when they start doing the things you’ve asked them not to, stand up and say “you’re doing it again, so we are going to leave” and then do it, leave. Don’t let them convince you to stay. You staying and letting them run all over your needs just teaches them that if they’re persistent they will get what they want, which is to have you and their grandchild around without having to change their habits at all. It’s also teaching your kid that it’s ok to let people push you around. If they don’t like you leaving, they will change their ways. And if they can’t, well it’s the right thing to do to limit your kid to that behavior anyway.

Good luck!

 

[jamesmason10]

@etxn1960 My parents are extremely dysfunctional and while we have contact it's minimal. I wouldn't allow them to babysit, and although it makes things harder for me it's my job to protect my child from what I went through.

 

[meganisgrowing]

@etxn1960 I had to pull the pin on my sister and BIL looking after my kid (they were my only option for babysitting) when she called me one night to say her uncle was drunk and scaring her.

Broke my heart. He doesn’t drink often but on the odd occasion he did, she was there and it was scary for her. She’s never been back……

You have to do what’s right for your kid.

 

[jwlickliter]

@etxn1960

I promised myself that this little bean would never feel the anxiety and stress from me that I've felt from my family my whole life.

Not only I don't want to yell at people in front of him, especially not family members he loves, and make him live these situations.

my main concern is my son mental health. I want no toxicity around him.

And

I see my parents and my sister often. My parents help me a lot.

Also they are the ones who take care of him when I go out once in while.

Here's where you're stuck: you want parental help, you just don't want it from these parents. That's a hard place to be. It's okay to mourn "I want my child to experience a loving village of people who pitch in, I just hate that it's these people who can provide that."

In their mind, they are likely thinking they are the more experienced parents and they are doing a lot: they are entitled to parent the way they have "successfully" parented their children. (If they were so bad at it, they wouldn't have had a kid who was a parent themselves who wanted them around to help!)

If you can find a family mediator or therapist, I probably would. That might keep both sides of the aisle pretty professional as you work together to meet an accord that works best for your child's future development.