Factors that contributed to your OAD decision
- Thread starter walid373
- Start date
@walid373 My son being sick and us being EXTREMELY exhausted because he doesn't want to be put down wants to eat every hour, as soon as his butt is wet he wants a new diaper right then and there. The newborn phase it's self i lovr coffee, and sleep and reading, food adventures, coffee adventures, daycare, retirement (husband) also knowing that I am going 5o continually be judged as a parent so I'd rather not have to deal with that too much longer. Also having the money for whatever my son wants and not having to tell my son I'm sorry but your sibling needs something, I never want my son to experience that EVER.
@walid373 I had an easy pregnancy, easy birth, easy recovery (PPA, but only a few months thankfully and I have a great therapist), supportive spouse and the financial resources to have another if we wanted. LO was an easy baby and is a happy toddler. Really, everything points to it being an easy decision to have another, but we feel our family is complete. Occasionally I think about what a second would be like, but my desire to enjoy our family of 3 is much stronger then my curiosity about a family of 4. Husband is very firmly OAD, even more than I am, and I feel strongly that kids should be two hell yeses so even when I waver into “maybes” I find my way back to OAD. My husband and I both really enjoy our careers, and I’m staying a bit stagnant right now so that I can have flexibility while LO is young. Once she’s older, I’d like to go back to climbing the ladder and if we had another, I’d probably want to be flexible for that one too.
discombobulated1
New member
@walid373 We are about the same. I’m 36, he’s 37, we have an almost four-year-old IVF baby girl we got after 3 transfers, our only living child, and we pay the $100/monthly storage fee to keep the remaining 2 frozen. Honestly though I’m just exhausted and tired and not sure if I want to transfer them; I’m giving myself until summer 2025 to decide (Chris says he’s fine with whatever I want to do, he is ok being a family of 3 or if we choose to continue building our family). I’m also still mentally recovering: I am a Braverman/Vidali patient (google Dr. Braverman if you’ve never heard of him, he’s a very famous RE/RI) and so I have immunological issues and was on 4 injectables daily the entire pregnancy and had 44 ultrasounds/appointments twice weekly the entire pregnancy. It was A LOT.
closetodeath
New member
@walid373 1 My own mother was always angry and unhappy, especially with my dad. She isn’t a bad person, but I suspect she had borderline personality disorder, which I was diagnosed in my 20s. Im finally in a place in life where I’m not always angry and pushing my loved ones away. I don’t want to be like my mother, and I know having more than one will make me an angry person again.
2 like your husband, I want to travel all over the world. I’m almost 40. Time is limited. My family lives abroad and I want to take my own family to my country frequently. It’ll be much harder financially if we have two.
3 my dog who is 13 now. I know she’s just a dog, but she’s my baby. I also know her time is approaching. I don’t want to compromise on what we offer her. If we had a baby when my dog needs love and care, I’m afraid I won’t be able to offer her what she deserves, and I know I’ll regret and hate myself until I die.
2 like your husband, I want to travel all over the world. I’m almost 40. Time is limited. My family lives abroad and I want to take my own family to my country frequently. It’ll be much harder financially if we have two.
3 my dog who is 13 now. I know she’s just a dog, but she’s my baby. I also know her time is approaching. I don’t want to compromise on what we offer her. If we had a baby when my dog needs love and care, I’m afraid I won’t be able to offer her what she deserves, and I know I’ll regret and hate myself until I die.
godismysavior92
New member
@walid373 I feel so complete with my daughter (15 months), my partner and our dog. I will say I do think about "what if" all the time regarding adding on to our family, but it just isn't really a good option for us.
The postpartum period was so mentally and emotionally challenging for me. PPD/A was rough, and I don't want to go through that again when my daughter is old enough to witness me going through all of that... There were a lot of dark moments for me that I'm thankful she won't remember... My physical recovery was also pretty rough.
We send our daughter to childcare three days a week, and we would never be able to afford to send two kiddos to childcare. I would be forced to be a work or stay at home mom, which would ruin my mental health (I WFH with my daughter two days a week and it's a challenge), and really hurt our financial stability.
I really don't want to be outnumbered on the days I have to venture into the world when my partner is at work. Handling my one child is tough as it is. I am in awe of parents who can wrangle two+ kids alone. Incredible...and not for me. lol
TL;DR: OAD because of mental health, finances, and not wanting to be outnumbered.
The postpartum period was so mentally and emotionally challenging for me. PPD/A was rough, and I don't want to go through that again when my daughter is old enough to witness me going through all of that... There were a lot of dark moments for me that I'm thankful she won't remember... My physical recovery was also pretty rough.
We send our daughter to childcare three days a week, and we would never be able to afford to send two kiddos to childcare. I would be forced to be a work or stay at home mom, which would ruin my mental health (I WFH with my daughter two days a week and it's a challenge), and really hurt our financial stability.
I really don't want to be outnumbered on the days I have to venture into the world when my partner is at work. Handling my one child is tough as it is. I am in awe of parents who can wrangle two+ kids alone. Incredible...and not for me. lol
TL;DR: OAD because of mental health, finances, and not wanting to be outnumbered.
shesadreamer
New member
@walid373 I’m in the exact same scenario as you. I would have liked to at least transfer our embryo and see what happens but my husband is done. Even before he made that choice though I knew I didn’t want to do another egg retrieval, and I don’t want to try naturally because it’s too much for me mentally. My embryo is untested so transferring wouldn’t have a high chance of success which is why I came here. I needed to see all the benefits of only having one child knowing that my chance of having more was slim.
Now I’m kind of glad that I am past the stage of my life where I am putting things on hold to grow my family. I only planned to spend 4 years doing that, but unfortunately I didn’t make the planned number of kids in that timeframe. Instead of keeping on trying for another we can stop putting off travelling and moving to a new home and starting a new career. We will be far more financially secure and while our daughter won’t have a sibling, she will have cousins and a lot of family friends her age, plus all the friends she makes herself. She’ll get to travel and get more assistance and support from us and I honestly believe I will be a much better parent to one kid than I would be to two, so she’ll benefit from that as well.
I’d still do the transfer if my husband changed his mind and decided he really wanted another kid, but I’m content with the picture of what our life looks like with only one baby.
In saying that, I haven’t been able to make the decision to discard our embryo yet.
Now I’m kind of glad that I am past the stage of my life where I am putting things on hold to grow my family. I only planned to spend 4 years doing that, but unfortunately I didn’t make the planned number of kids in that timeframe. Instead of keeping on trying for another we can stop putting off travelling and moving to a new home and starting a new career. We will be far more financially secure and while our daughter won’t have a sibling, she will have cousins and a lot of family friends her age, plus all the friends she makes herself. She’ll get to travel and get more assistance and support from us and I honestly believe I will be a much better parent to one kid than I would be to two, so she’ll benefit from that as well.
I’d still do the transfer if my husband changed his mind and decided he really wanted another kid, but I’m content with the picture of what our life looks like with only one baby.
In saying that, I haven’t been able to make the decision to discard our embryo yet.
@shesadreamer I’m 42 with one IVF embryo left that came back inclusive from genetic testing. I’m still having trouble letting go of the embryo knowing it’s my last one. I feel like I’m starting to see the light with my LO who’s 19mo and it’s hard to imagine doing it all again. Maybe if I was younger but who knows. 
yaphasheba
New member
@yaphasheba I feel this way too! My heart would love to have another one but my head says kids are expensive and we’ll have more to give just one. I grew up with a brother and we’re close in age. I guess I always assumed I’d have two.
Did you guys have to do IVF? Do you think you could go through the infant stage again in your early forties with a toddler? That’s what I keep wondering (I’ll be 43 in October)!
Did you guys have to do IVF? Do you think you could go through the infant stage again in your early forties with a toddler? That’s what I keep wondering (I’ll be 43 in October)!
yaphasheba
New member
@wearl578 I honestly don’t feel my age is a problem for any of it except the biology, ha ha. I’m in good health and I think for me being older has made me a MUCH better mom emotionally as I was totally ready. (That said I wish I had started at like 37-38 so that a sibling would be more realistic for us—we would have had more time to deliberate and more time between the sibs as well. I’d prefer a bigger age gap but obv that’s not possible.)
that said—newborn with a toddler….. I think that might be the thing that ages me. Those first 3-4 months were no joke hard. I wonder if some of it would be easier just because not everything would be new. I often felt tired because I was constantly learning something when she was sleeping, like how to break down a travel stroller or how to pump or how to wrap different carries…not to mention parenting styles and starting solids and gear and books and toys…. I feel like now it would “just” be doing the healing from birth, breastfeeding, and lack of sleep —with a toddler!!—that would be challenging. We live an ocean away from family and because they are older, they couldn’t help a ton anyway.
that said—newborn with a toddler….. I think that might be the thing that ages me. Those first 3-4 months were no joke hard. I wonder if some of it would be easier just because not everything would be new. I often felt tired because I was constantly learning something when she was sleeping, like how to break down a travel stroller or how to pump or how to wrap different carries…not to mention parenting styles and starting solids and gear and books and toys…. I feel like now it would “just” be doing the healing from birth, breastfeeding, and lack of sleep —with a toddler!!—that would be challenging. We live an ocean away from family and because they are older, they couldn’t help a ton anyway.
@yaphasheba I look back at my pics during pregnancy and feel like I’ve aged a lot in the last year. Everyone always I said I looked so young and not even close to my real age (probably bc I had way less stress, got lots of sleep and had plenty of time for exercise and all that). 
I would prefer a bigger age gap if I could have a second too, preferably when my LO is potty trained, I think that would be ideal. I do agree that the infant stage will probably be easier having done it before. I was very anxious about everything and now know what to expect, especially in regards to sleep deprivation. I think I’d be able to handle it better knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel. Plus, I’d probably sleep train a little earlier.
I also feel like I’m a much better parent than I would have been in my twenties or even early thirties. I didn’t meet my SO until I was 38 and had just started my journey to try and have a child solo. I really enjoyed having a career, traveling the world and just going out and having fun in my thirties. I finally felt ready to settle down by my late thirties. I guess it was just meant to work out this way.
Anyway, thanks for your response! It’s always nice to hear from someone in a similar situation!
I would prefer a bigger age gap if I could have a second too, preferably when my LO is potty trained, I think that would be ideal. I do agree that the infant stage will probably be easier having done it before. I was very anxious about everything and now know what to expect, especially in regards to sleep deprivation. I think I’d be able to handle it better knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel. Plus, I’d probably sleep train a little earlier.
I also feel like I’m a much better parent than I would have been in my twenties or even early thirties. I didn’t meet my SO until I was 38 and had just started my journey to try and have a child solo. I really enjoyed having a career, traveling the world and just going out and having fun in my thirties. I finally felt ready to settle down by my late thirties. I guess it was just meant to work out this way.
Anyway, thanks for your response! It’s always nice to hear from someone in a similar situation!
yaphasheba
New member
james24essex
New member
@walid373 Most importantly, my mental health. My had a bout of PPD/PPA after my only was born. Honestly, I never want to feel that way again. I realized just how important it is for me to have time for myself, and now that LO is 3 and we have a routine, I deeply value that and probably wouldn’t adjust well if that changed.
Second, the financial aspects. I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. I don’t make just a bunch of money, but I make enough for us to live comfortably. However, adding a second child would set us back to where we wouldn’t have that extra cushion.
Third, just the state of the world as it is. I got pregnant with my daughter in 2019 and just last night I was telling my husband that if we would have waited longer, I probably would have changed my mind and been child free.
Second, the financial aspects. I work full time and my husband is a SAHD. I don’t make just a bunch of money, but I make enough for us to live comfortably. However, adding a second child would set us back to where we wouldn’t have that extra cushion.
Third, just the state of the world as it is. I got pregnant with my daughter in 2019 and just last night I was telling my husband that if we would have waited longer, I probably would have changed my mind and been child free.
christianwife2
New member
@walid373 It was money for us. Even though we really lucked out on finding a wonderful daycare, we really couldn't afford it. At the time, i was working full time and husband was finishing his BA and not working.
Things got better with money, but we weren't really inclined to try for another. Mostly bc we were really comfortable and we saw that we could comfortably give everything and more to our child, whereas having a 2nd kid would make us choose between activities and not spoil them as much as we'd want.
Things got better with money, but we weren't really inclined to try for another. Mostly bc we were really comfortable and we saw that we could comfortably give everything and more to our child, whereas having a 2nd kid would make us choose between activities and not spoil them as much as we'd want.
hannahjjesusfreak
New member
@walid373 We were in this same situation but agreed together that we wanted to give our one frozen embryo a chance (this is a hugely personal decision but that was ours). As a result we tried it when our little was 17 months. It didn’t survive the thaw, and that was that. It took time, grieving and therapy but I eventually came around to being ok being OAD. I personally would have always wondered so I needed to know. But that’s a hugey personal decision (and had I had multiple embryos that would have possibly been a different decision as well).
karinasmith
New member
@walid373 It's okay if you want another and it's okay if you don't. I would absolutely love to have more kids but it's not for us. I had health complications with pregnancy and my husband and I are not inclined to go through that all again. He got snipped last year. He's also turning 40 next year and his concerns over being an "older parent" factored into the discussion as well.
2followhim
New member
katrina2017
New member
@walid373 My happy childhood as an only. The amount of love and opportunities I had were a big one. I watched my parents not be stressed out and also be their own people. I love my daughter but I also love that my entire life isn’t an identity as a mother. Once I settle her down at night I can have my own hobbies or I drop her off at gymnastics and I go see my friends.