Ex taking son to Disney for birthday

@hebrewcalendar12 So was my cousins son. Except he wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD but with a dyslexia as well as another very specific learning by disorder. His acting up in school was his response to feeling ‘stupid’. He’s had extra support in school and a tutor since and he’s doing so well.
 
@vescd My 6yo son also has adhd and a mood disorder, and 1000%. You have to think that as much as yall struggle with him, he’s struggling so much more inside. Getting him the help he needs will benefit everyone and especially him.
 
@vescd So much here

1) Kids don’t compare and resent gifts that way. That’s your GF projecting. She shouldn’t make her issues your son’s issues.

2) GF is getting WAY out of her lane. You and your ex are son’s parents. You make these decisions. If you are allowing her to actively make go-parenting decision - you need to correct that ASAP. She is overstepping - you need to correct that ASAP.

3)Great that GF has helped and supported you in improving your interaction with son. This doesn’t mean she can interfere in any way in things that lie within the co-parent arena. That is between the 2 co-parents.
 
@vescd You're a capable father. You don't need randoms on the internet to tell you whether your decisions for your children are right or not. If your girlfriend can't respect your judgement with respect to your own children, then that's something I would be concerned about.
 
@spookydawg77 Just trying to be as happy in life as possible and keep my loved ones as happy as possible as well. I want my son to have all the things I didn’t as a child. Dad was never home worked constantly which now I appreciate and respect but there’s nothing to show for it. Mom left me with dad and saw me on weekends and now she’s my number one supporter. Just trying to give my son everything my parents couldn’t give me.
 
@vescd Trying to keep everyone happy makes no one happy. If you're choosing to tolerate maladaptive overstepping from your girlfriend, it's a way of choosing that over your son's happiness. You sound like you're afraid of conflict and a people-pleaser, and it sounds like your girlfriend is counting on it.
 
@vescd You can’t “keep everyone happy”. This is the wrong goal. It will lead to many mistakes and regrets. There will sometimes be someone who is unhappy with a decision/ that by no means makes it the wrong one - but adjusting what you know is right for your son to keep your GF happy isn’t actually keeping everyone happy. Your son is now being sacrificed for your GFs happiness. Do the best you can, be guided by values and integrity. Hold your ground when someone is upset. This is unavoidable. Remember who the decision makers are and who holds ultimate responsibility. In a co-parenting situation you need to respect and vakue and trust your co-parent’s ability to make decisions for your children and new partners/SO need to stay in their lanes - good ones either know this inherently or can be told by partner and understand and respect it.
 
@danields No you misunderstood. No trying to make my girlfriends happy by stopping the Disney thing, I’m trying to get her to okay with my son being happy and going to Disney. He should miss a chance like that because she thinks he is a bad kid
 
@vescd In this situation your obligation is not to make your GF happy. Your obligation is to tell her to stay out of it - it’s a determination your son’s mother has made and that you support.
 
@vescd The fact that your gf thinks your 6 year old is a “bad kid” is alarming. There are no “bad kids.” All children are innocent. Sometimes kids make poor choices for a number of reasons that usually have to do with their environment, trauma, an underlying issue or some combination of those factors. Some of it is also just learning to navigate the world and trying different social strategies to get their needs met.

I’ll be honest, I have alarm bells ringing from your post and comments about your girlfriend. She doesn’t seem very empathetic and she’s definitely overstepping.
 
@k9subsea I think she’s trying. She’s just less lenient and her parents expected a lot out of her growing up and such. She has two older brothers who have been out of state for a while now so she’s the only one still at home, unfortunately she’s physically handicapped from a freak accident when she had to have an ankle surgery so she works really hard at living as “normal” of a life as she can after being told she should have never been able to walk again. So I feel like she might have a lot of pent up frustration seeing my son get stuff she didn’t as a child, nor did I. But as he is my son, I just want him to be happy.
 
@vescd
[...] if they take my son to Disney we (all of us, not just her and I) will constantly be resented by my son for not doing better and better every year for his birthday.
Click to expand...

Do you mean like "Mom took me to Disney for my birthday last year, why did I only get this $30 Lego set?"

My kids are 8 & 10. Dad's household has more disposable income (higher earner + dual income) and he can afford more expensive vacations (they went to Disney in February in fact) and things, and has a bigger house.

If a child ever starts asking questions or making comments about the differences between households, that is a parenting problem to solve when it comes up. Maybe it never will. Mine have asked innocent questions or made innocuous comments a couple times. Response was "You are very lucky that your dad can [do/buy whatever], not every kid is so fortunate. Not every family has the same amount of money and I am doing the best I can with what I have, be grateful" or something similar and that was that.

I would never deny my kids an opportunity with their dad & stepmom just because it makes me jealous or because it might lead to an uncomfortable discussion later.
 
@vescd Just a thought - you’re calling your 6 yo “manipulative through his behaviors.” At such a young age, this is either him parroting someone else’s behavior or him trying to have his needs met. I don’t know your girlfriend from Adam, but honestly how she’s talking, sounds like she can be that way also. It’s great that your ex includes the gf in your little dude’s life, but this shit ain’t her business and she should butt out on certain things.
 
@rcsingleton I agree. Thank you. I read somewhere that he lashes out around the people he feels most comfortable with. I don’t think he is trying to misbehave. I think he just is 6 and doesn’t quite comprehend that some of his actions and behaviors can annoy or upset people out in public. Just a kid being a kid really. For example Saturday we went to a baseball game for my cousins son all around my sons age and he was running around playing with the other younger kids and he jokingly asked another boy if he “wanted to fight?” Not knowing the little boy is a state ranked wrestler and he got hurt when the boy was like “no we can wrestle though” and so he came to me crying and I got the full story and explained to him that fighting isn’t a joke. But with how he is with family members, rough play is pretty common. Being with his cousin I think he assumed he could do it there too.
 
@vescd OP my stepdaughter just turned 7 this month as well. Mom took her to Disney for the first time a few years ago, we took her for her birthday last year. She’s spoiled as helllllllllll

She’s also a sweet, loving girl who wants people around her to be happy. Tell your girlfriend it’ll be ok.
 
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