Ex taking son to Disney for birthday

[vescd]

@tylerpompei Thank you so much, ive tried to get her to go to therapy and she refuses. Says she doesn’t believe in it. But this comment right here really spoke to me, appreciate you taking the time to leave this comment.

 

[bergamit143]

@vescd It sounds like this is a relationship where you're making a lot of compromises you shouldn't be making. If you're considering making her his stepmother, she'd better be open to therapy. What's not to believe in? I think she sounds self-centered, thinking about how Disney will affect her, not thinking about your kid.

What does your son think of her? But everything you're saying makes her sound like really bad news.

 

[vescd]

@bergamit143 Yea it’s going to be a long therapy session this week

 

[bergamit143]

@vescd And I see from your other post that you've suspected her of cheating, too. You should be with someone who doesn't make you walk on eggshells I hope you're seriously considering setting some strong boundaries with her.

 

[vescd]

@bergamit143 I won’t lie that was there, I have since deleted this post as we basically spend all free time together. I really enjoy being with her and I feel that I’m much better version of myself with her. Just don’t want to walk on eggshells and feel like an idiot when I make parenting decisions. Thank you guys so much!

 

[bergamit143]

@vescd Still... that's not a great method of instilling trust, just having her in your sight at all times to confirm she's not doing anything.

 

[vescd]

@bergamit143 That’s not why we spend our free time together. It’s because we enjoy life with each other in it. Laughing until we cry, long walks on the beach, date nights. Genuine love and companionship. We’ve over come a lot of things to build our relationship to what it is today.

 

[bergamit143]

@vescd No I know, I get it, it just was a strange response, it seemed like you were saying that since you're together all the time now, that's the reason you can trust her. Thanks for clarifying.

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@vescd It sounds like your girlfriend is more concerned with trying to "secure her place" than she is with what your son may enjoy. She sounds like the type who will be in a secret competition with your ex for your son's affection, and for who has the image of being a "better parent". She needs to be told that she's not your son's parent. You all may also need to have conversations about what her role is, what her expectations are, and what the boundaries are that you and your son's mother have. Do not allow her to ruin and diminish a good coparenting relationship. This will not end, and sooner than you know it, she may start thinking that she is the one in charge.

 

[captainhobo]

@vescd If she won’t try therapy, maybe a co-parenting book would be a good start? My boyfriend was having a hard time understanding some of my coparenting choices and it was causing a lot of arguments. I gave him the book Combative to Collaborative: The Co-Parenting Code and it’s been pretty smooth since. First, it helped him feel more included and gave him the acknowledgement that he would potentially be a step-parent. It also helped him reframe things around seeing my choices being made for the good of the kids rather than to placate an ex. Being the new significant other to a parent in a coparenting relationship can bring up a lot of insecurities and that’s understandable, but you have to do what you feel is best for your kid. Maybe something like that could help you define more reasonable boundaries around co-parenting issues. I thought it was a great book—tackled just about every possible scenario and gave multiple examples for how you could approach them. If she’s not receptive at all to either therapy or learning about coparenting, she’s not the one.

 

[lisamarielillypop]

@captainhobo Combative to Collaborative The Co-Parenting Code by Teresa Harlow

Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code channels parents' interactions with each other to what they really want?to be good parents together. But while most co-parenting books tell parents to just put the kids first even if that means sacrificing their own happiness, Combative to Collaborative shows parents how supporting each other as good parenting partners ensures they do what's best for their kids while also achieving personal happiness. Move from anger, hurt, and loss to consideration, kindness, and cooperation.Discover how to:- Diffuse a co-parent's snarky behavior and avoid triggering their hostility- Recognize your own combative behaviors and stop exhibiting them- Plan for co-parenting collaboration and success- Correct course when a relationship goes astray - even after many years of conflict!The book is divided into three stages: Uncoupling, Life Goes On, and Correcting Course. Then each chapter lays out a roadmap for a particular area of co-parenting.

Whether parents are newly separated, well into their journey, or have been at it for years, this book will guide the way. For each co-parenting topic covered...- Explore what's at stake for the child, parents, and others involved.- Identify the combative behaviors that derail parenting efforts and make life miserable for everyone.- Read True Stories to see how real parents have handled situations both successfully and not as well. As you read these stories, you'll learn what worked and what didn't and also find out you're not alone.- Learn the DOs and DON'Ts of collaborative behaviors.- Answer questions that will help you adopt an empathetic mindset, apply the Golden Rule to your situation, and achieve the positive outcome you desire.This is The Co-parenting Code!Combative to Collaborative: The Co-parenting Code is the essential guide for parents living separately to not only improve life for their children, but also for themselves and everyone that surrounds them. You can save your family.

You can be happy! A painful decision does not have to mean a pain-filled life.

I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at /r/ProgrammingPals. Reply to any comment with /@lisamarielillypop - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies here. If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.

 

[vescd]

@captainhobo I’m going to check it out! Thank you!!

 

[holyghostfire777]

@vescd Good grief it’s got nothing to do with your gf of 1.5 years. I have a child and my partner also has 3. I would never convince him to convince their mum to hold off on a trip. Nothing to do with me.

 

[secondstoryempires]

@holyghostfire777 One thing I’ve noticed on these blended/coparenting subs is that Disneyland in particular can evoke some very big feelings in Americans that seem interesting to me as an outsider.

A trip to a theme park taken by my stepsons other side would also have absolutely nothing to do with me or husband except some scheduling if they needed some extra time. We’d be excited for him.

I sense there’s an underlying much deeper level of frustration GF is experiencing re behaviour and she should be directing that to OP as her partner.

 

[whereismysalvation]

@vescd Mom here of a child with a mood disorder and adhd who had behavioral issues long before we knew what was going on. When my daughter was 7 I surprised her with a trip to Disney for her birthday. Her dad and his girlfriend at the time were supportive. In no way did my daughter resent her dad and his girlfriend for not taking her on some epic trip after. They still did other stuff with her like camping and hanging out with friends, which is stuff I didn’t get to do a lot with her. Make your own fun memories without competing (more so your gf) and tell your girlfriend to zip it!

My daughter is 13 now and we just took her on a cruise. Dad and his girlfriend broke up, but he is still supportive of her having fun on vacation with myself, my husband and her siblings. My daughter still does not resent him or expect more from him. Your son is going to love you no matter what you do as long as you spend positive quality time with him!

 

[vescd]

@whereismysalvation Thank you so much. also if you don’t mind my asking I definitely think my child has some sort of ADHD or mood disorder, is it worth having it professionally diagnosed to better understand how my child reacts and how, therefore, I should handle him?

 

[whereismysalvation]

@vescd Absolutely!! Start with your child’s pediatrician and then you will probably be told to find a counselor and psychiatrist. I think it’s essential to have all children properly diagnosed to get them the services they need in school and to have access to medication at any point if they need it without having to wait for the diagnosis. My daughter was 7 when diagnosed with adhd and 9 when she was diagnosed with the mood disorder. She has an IEP at school and gets extra help and it’s been a game changer on top of finding meds that work for her. I was against meds for a long time, but she is a completely different child on them and she is way more manageable. She has been making honor roll and acing some of her tests now that she has the help she needs.

If you hit any snags along the way of people not listening, then find someone different. I’m not sure where you’re located, but I also had my daughter formally tested by her school district to see what help she needed.

Other things I did was take her to get lots checked.. vision, bloodwork, allergies, sleep issues etc. It’s crazy how the littlest thing wrong with our children can throw them off. My brother acted out until my mom took him to get his eyes checked and found out his vision was really bad. His behaviors improved too because he wasn’t using all of his energy to focus any more. Just some ideas anyway!

 

[vescd]

@whereismysalvation Thank you endlessly!!!

 

[hebrewcalendar12]

@vescd Side note on getting a proper diagnosis, I have a friend who was convinced her son had ADHD. He does, but during his diagnosis he was also diagnosed with a learning disorder that she never would have figured out on her own.

 

[vescd]

@hebrewcalendar12 Thank you!!!