Ex taking son to Disney for birthday

[vescd]

Hello r/coparenting , My (27M) ex (26F) plans on taking our son (6M) to Disney for his 7th birthday. Great co parenting relationship, been separated 3.5 years, she’s since remarried and had another child. Happy for them all and excited for my son’s chance to go to Disney. My ex asked if I’d be willing to get him a Disney gift card for his birthday, which I am.

My girlfriend (27F) of almost 1.5 years thinks that if they take my son to Disney we (all of us, not just her and I) will constantly be resented by my son for not doing better and better every year for his birthday. A little background my son has been having behavior issues but very minuscule in my eyes and he’s been getting picked on at school. I don’t see it as a huge issue but my girlfriend insists that I try to persuade my ex to maybe hold off on Disney.

I love my son more than anyone or anything in the world. I agree he can be a little manipulative towards all of us through his behavior. But I also don’t think he is doing it on purpose. He’s a child of divorce and at the end of the day he is just a kid. Just looking for anyone with similar scenarios. TIA

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the kind words, thoughts, and suggestions. Another thing I think I realize that my girlfriend dwells on. I don’t complain or stress out when he’s being the good, sweethearted, brave, smart six year old he is 97% of the time. So most of the time she’s only hearing his faults from me and seeing his outbursts when we all are together. So maybe her experience with him is just really poorly timed, merely a minuscule percentage of our time as a whole.

 

[nightfire61]

@vescd It's not your girlfriend's business if your ex takes your kid to Disney.

Behavioral issues should be addressed by a professional, not by withholding birthday presents.

 

[vescd]

@nightfire61 I agree, my ex tries to be very inclusive of my girlfriend in our child’s life. I also do think it’s worth stating that my girlfriend doesn’t have a child of her own. Things change when you have a child.

 

[dogdad89]

@vescd Yes, I, too, was a perfect parent with all the answers until I had my own kids. Weren't we all?

 

[vescd]

@dogdad89 I’m by no means a perfect parent, never claimed to be. My girlfriend was very fortunate to have the parents she does. My parents didn’t teach me financial stability or really any form of stability until I was in my later half of my teenage years. My ex and I agreed to part ways so our child would be able to see his parents happy rather than two humans tolerating each other for his sake.

 

[dogdad89]

@vescd Oh, I was just being flip about your girlfriend thinking she knows what's best for your son (and I've dealt with something similar myself: a new love interest in our coparenting situation trying to dictate decisions that should be left to the parents based on lofty parenting ideals that didn't mesh with the real world).

YOU are the parent and, also, you are the perfect parent for your son. When and if you marry this girlfriend and she lives with you and your son, then, very slowly and when the topics are things that affect your household, she can weigh in. But until then I wouldn't even give another thought to her opinion about your or your ex-wife's parenting.

 

[vescd]

@dogdad89 Thank you, sorry for the confusion just wasn’t sure why the comment you replied to was getting downvoted

 

[nightfire61]

@vescd I would tell my ex's gf to kick rocks if she tried telling me not to take my kiddo to Disney for their birthday. Your new partner should not be controlling how everyone parents the child.

 

[dupare]

@nightfire61 Lmao this. My bd’s girlfriend not gonna tell me a thingggg.

 

[vescd]

@nightfire61 The hardest part is she will be SO offended if I tell her that. Our relationship is amazing aside from the parenting issues and it’s really hard.

 

[rageagainstjoseph]

@vescd If telling your GF the truth will offend her, it’s probably not as amazing of a relationship as you think it is.

Your parenting choices are between you and the child’s other parent. Period. GF doesn’t get a say.

 

[vescd]

@rageagainstjoseph I totally agree. It’s not that it would offend her I suppose more that she’s helped me become a better parent because I admittedly was quick to yell before but I’ve become more patient and better at understanding my son but at the end of the day you are right, it’s not her decision.

 

[nightfire61]

@vescd If she's offended because she is told that she doesn't get to dictate how your child is parented then idk how great of a relationship that is.

 

[corumab]

@nightfire61 Moreover, if she’s offended because she is told that she doesn’t get to dictate how your ex spends her money and what gifts she gives your son, it’s not a great relationship. Especially when it’s not like the gift really affects you - or her - beyond letting him go on the trip?

My ex is not the brightest when it comes to gifts but my logic is as long as you’re not expecting me to keep it in my house, it’s none of my business how big it is or how much LO plays with it over time. I mean a trip would bother me but that’s because overnights aren’t currently something he’s entitled to, not because I want to dictate what he gives.

 

[podlife]

@vescd I took my daughter for her 6th birthday. She's 11. Her favorite parties are just her friends sleeping over. Kids don't think how your gf is suggesting.

 

[vescd]

@podlife That is another thing I was thinking! Like my son could go to Disney this year and next year I could blow up an inflatable pool, and get him a remote controlled boat and he would be thrilled lol

 

[podlife]

@vescd For real. Another time we went to Disney with all 3 kids and their favorite part of the whole vacation was...Gatorland.

 

[abril]

@podlife My partner went to Disney as a kid and their strongest memory and most favorite part was the Murphy bed in the hotel room.

 

[corumab]

@podlife Even if he did go all Dudley Dursley next year, it’s as simple as saying “hey, we were only able to do that because xyz (bonus, large tax refund, etc). If this is how you’re going to act when your next birthday isn’t to the same “calibre”, we just won’t go out of our way to do things like that for you in the future because you’re acting very ungrateful right now.”

 

[tylerpompei]

@vescd When I was 10 my dad convinced my mom to return the Super Nintendo she bought us for Xmas because he had already bought a Sega. They were also divorced and nicely coparenting.

I never got into any Sonic or other Sega games and played Nintendo games at a friends house, so I resented it FOREVER. And we were poor enough that the idea of having two systems was insane so it just sat mostly unused.

Do NOT get into the business of meddling with your ex doing something amazing for your child. 6 is the perfect age to do Disney and you not only risk resentment from the kid but conflict in your otherwise stable sounding coparenting arrangement if you ask to reschedule or reframe something this cool as a negative.

Also, it sounds like your girlfriend might need to consider tamping down some competitive or jealous tendencies. Kids can smell that and instinctually learn to leverage it. If your son ends up resentful that you guys aren't providing ever more elaborate vacation birthdays over any kind of long term timeline it will be because you and your ex set a standard of one-upping each other in response to normal child behaviors. It's not reasonable to expect a Disney birthday or something "better" every year and if that causes some kind of disappointment that's ok and your son will not hate you forever if you do something more standard instead. It's just one of the many minor frustrations in life he will need to learn to deal with in order to become a functional adult.