Estranged sister passed away. I was contacted about her 4 y/o daughter & 1 y/o son

[catholics7777]

@semiprecious Financially, i think, would be the easiest angle -- there are survivor benefits, kinship benefits, and a few other things. I'm not sure where you are but if you google kinship care services for your state, there should be some sort of service that helps you to figure out what benefits you're entitled to.

I think I would do it, but only because I wouldn't be able to handle the 'what ifs' if I said no. And people say that each kid after three doesn't make that much of a difference, right? XD But it is a hell of a big ask, you're gonna have two under two, and nobody would look down on you for saying no.

First, figure out what you WANT to do. Heart-wise. Flip a coin, and when it's in the air, you'll know.

Then figure out what you CAN do. Call them back. If you want to take them, ask about the logistics, any assistance available, how you can get into contact with welfare people, any childcare assistance, medical assistance, therapy for the older (if she needs it), transport assistance, etc. If you're taking them, you're gonna need to call on some family or friend to help you sort your house out and get new life organised stat, too.

If you don't want to take them, ask about how you can stay in their lives without being their primary carers (assuming that's what you want to do; from your post it looks like you don't want to step back entirely).

I'm sorry about your sister.

 

[rcorfield]

@semiprecious I just have empathy to offer. I'm sorry for your loss. Just know whatever decision you make will be the right one. There are no right or wrong in this. You just need to do what you think is right. Big hugs.

 

[tryn2getright]

@semiprecious I would do it. It's your situation and what I think matters far less than what you think and are capable of, but my honest reaction is that these children are your family. They need you, and you are capable of caring for them. For the people hesitant about taking "damaged" kids, wouldn't it be much better for vulnerable children to grow up in thier own family than to go into unstable government childcare or bounce from Foster to Foster? Children are still growing and are very open to good (and bad) influences. It's unfair to judge children based on their circumstances. They aren't adults. They had no part in the decisions that put them in that situation.

But I understand that it's a complicated situation. Do what you feel is right for your family. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are in such a difficult situation. I'm sorry for your niece and nephew's loss too.

 

[samej]

@semiprecious If you do this, use some of the SS money to get some household help - cleaning, nanny, etc.

Love to you whatever path you take.

 

[katrina2017]

@semiprecious I think you should go for it (if I dare to speak boldly)

I have a baby turning one in a couple of days and will be starting on number 2 by the end of the week, I am FULL of hormones.

I already think you are a great mother (having 5 in this day and age really says something to me) and I think you will be a hero to those two babies. The good news is you are just inside the window of having a great chance of undoing any damage from the neglect they may have suffered. Brain activity and neural pathways are being laid insanely fast right now until around five where it then starts slowing down for the rest of our life (like our fertility!)

Truth is, this is likely the biggest fork in the road for these kiddos lives, and they are extremely lucky you are even an option! Same for you too, no matter your choice really.

I give you my love and wish you all well.

 

[suhuyinia]

@semiprecious My sister did something called kinship care with her crackhead cousins kids. I think it was the same as fostering, she got money for expenses and such, and the kids got to stay with family instead of strangers.

 

[gingerberry]

@semiprecious First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.

My cousin is going through something similar and she gets money for each of her niblings. It's not an exorbitant amount, but enough to help make a difference.

Personally, I'm a huge bleeding heart. I would do everything in my power to be able to keep them and let them grow up in a safe and loving home. I know that's not feasible for everyone though. If you think that you can emotionally do it, you'll find a way to make the finances work. I guess I just imagine that if I suddenly passed away, someone close to me would take my son into their home and raise him as their own.

I'm wishing you strength and positivity going forward.

 

[curious12]

@semiprecious Holy shit. Wow.

I hope whatever decision you make, it ends up being the right one and it works out.

 

[oldtmer]

@semiprecious You guys would get foster subsidies and/or Social security for each child. Fostering also opens up a ton of government assistance. So if it's just the financial aspect, know that it will all fall into place. You are so wonderful for even considering it - hugs and love to you.

 

[geordstar]

@semiprecious Talk to a social worker. In many areas you would get paid, have free childcare and the kids would get Medicaid.

 

[thegrungediva]

@geordstar And depending on the custody situation, financial benefits to help cover their expenses. Should be some parental death social security too.

 

[kingb]

@semiprecious you’re from a big family as well, are there any of your other siblings or family members able to take the kids? i went through all of the other comments & didn’t see anyone else throw that option around if it is one. & so many responses were helpful if you do take in your niece & nephew. sorry for your loss & good luck with what ever decision you make!

 

[semiprecious]

@kingb Sadly, due to our upbringing, most of my siblings are on drugs/homeless. Two of my three brothers are currently in different rehabs. One is in prison. Our older sister is the only other one who could - but she’s already said no. She was never close with us and moved out pretty early. It’s just me, and I think I’m going to do it.

 

[kingb]

@semiprecious i think it will be a wonderful thing if you do. it seems like there are a lot of resources & you have the space & means to do so. i’m sure it will be hard but you raising them may even be the best thing to happen to them. you have a stable loving home for them & one day they will appreciate you so much. i wish you the best of luck & hope this transition goes as smoothly as possible for you & your family.

 

[robinriley]

@semiprecious This is such a tough situation to be in. The fact that you’re considering it is a sign that you have love for these kids and are already weighing the hypotheticals.

I have a close friend who is in process of adopting 4 kids ages 1-6. 6 year old twin boys. Their parents were abusive meth heads who pawned their kids off on anyone they could. They were all behind in some respect especially the baby. She came to us around 9 months old but acted like a 4 month old. No expression on her face, would just look right through you. Barely laughed and didn’t try to babble at all. It was like she spent the first months of her life completely ignored.
Anyway. They are applying for a fostering license here in the state of TX, which will afford them a stipend from the state that’s about 28 dollars per day per child until they are 18. The parents’ rights will be terminated soon and even when my friend adopts them, they will still get the stipend. The kids also get government assistance with daycare and health insurance among other things.
My friend had to take off A LOT of work in the first few months of having them because her partner didn’t have a flexible job. They all needed updated immunizations, dental appointments and counseling. The four year old had a rotting tooth that needed to be taken out. Her and one of her older brothers have massive behavioral issues that causes my friend to break down in tears regularly. She has often been so overwhelmed that she’s had thoughts of giving up and letting the state take them. But to her, the reality of these kids being split up and put into situations that may be no better than where their parents were is enough to motivate them to keep moving forward with adoption. It’s a lot to take on, but they don’t have anyone else. The alternative seems so much worse for these kids.

Sorry for the novel! Wanted to share! Good luck to you and I hope you find peace in doing whatever is right for your family and those kids.

 

[inhydshop]

@semiprecious My sister is a long time addict. The state took away her three boys and thrust them on my parents when I was a young teen. Like these kids,they were starved,behind,and abused in every sense of the word.

Let me tell you that none of us were prepared for them. They had so many issues that,even 8 years later,they still battle with them constantly.

Make sure they get a psych evaluation before letting them live in your home. You have your own babies to protect and there is just no way to know how they will react. There are too many horror stories of people taking in messed up kids and their own children suffering for it.

I will say that the state may pressure you into adopting them but don't do it. If you have even an inkling of doubt that they are hurting you family,don't go through it. These kids will need so much. They will need weekly appointments for a therapist,they might need medicine,they will need tutors,they will probably need extensive dental work,they will need behavioral therapists,may need speech therapists,and other things.

They went through hell and back without even knowing it. They lost their mother,they were ripped from their "safe" home. They were most likely abused in many different ways,maybe even by their own mother. They will 100% need one-on-one attention and you need to be real with yourself if you can do that. Can you drop everything constantly because they are hitting others in class? What about when they are screaming at teachers and throwing things?

It will take years for them to even start to get the hang of things. They will have trust issues,mental issues,physical issues. The trauma and damage kids get from living in an environment of addicts is awful.

Of course,you won't know until you spend a lot of time with these kids. Just make sure you have a serious talk with your own... Make sure it's ok to come to you if they do anything to them. That they don't have to suffer.

I know this all sounds extreme and hey,maybe they haven't been effected much... But you really have to be careful. We took in family but it in turn destroyed ours. I am very glad that they are doing better these days. They finally caught up with their peers and they are starting to heal. I just know that if my parents had even thought for a second,the boys would have gotten better care elsewhere.

 

[jinjithillion]

@semiprecious They would be lucky to have you. I would take them.

 

[femio13]

@semiprecious This is not something I ever think I could do. I have 3 kids and my husband and I have gone through emotional he'll managing our family. That being said my mom was always the neighborhood mom and the cousins "other mom" and I've nevee understood why I didn't have those same traits. Ive always known that if something happened to one of my siblings or on laws I coukd competently take on their children and that's always semi bothered me (theyre all getting older now so...)

So. If its something inside of you and you find that you can raise these babies do it! I've always really looked up to mamas whom truly enjoy being mamas

 

[katrina2017]

@semiprecious Wow what a sad situation to be in. Im sorry to hear about your sister. i have an estranged sister too and i would totally take on her children too if need be.

By the sounds of things you've got it all planned out in your head and seem confident you can take on these extra children. You sound like a great sister and Mum. These children need you to step up and be better mum than your sister was. No disrespect but children come before drugs and she has let them down and this is the same as abandoning them imo.

This interner stranger has faith in you, if you went again for another child after triplets then im sure you can probably handle taking on your neice/nephew and the new baby.

I hope that there is some sort of financial help for you as finances would definitely be strained with that many people in the house as these children will likely need counselling to cope with the loss of their mum. Good luck to you all.

 

[ashmak78]

@semiprecious Damn. That's horrible. That's so unbelievably depressing for them. I've lost countless friends to overdoses and I had a lot of friends growing up whose parents were addicts, or they grow up in the Foster system. It's not something I would wish on anyone. That's a really tough decision to make for you, and your family. I'm not even pregnant but my heartstrings would be pulled unbelievably hard. I'm sorry for your loss, even if you were estranged. I'm sorry for their loss too.

I've edited my comment to remove a rule violation. OP- I hope you find what you need good luck and we will always be here for whatever you need.