Does raising your teen trigger your trauma?

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nicholas29

New member
Ok a little background I have 3 teens, we are a blended family. Z- 13 Shell- 14 and V-15 we have been together as a family for 9 years so they don't really remember a time without my partner. Well they do but the more time the lessen it holds true.
I was raised in a pretty abusive environment. I am in therapy now and so are my children as this abuse pattern followed me into my first marriage. We left me and my 4 and 5 yr old. We left with nothing and I built better for them then met my spouse and it's been amazing.
Ok I'm just curious if any other parents that have gone through hard times as a kid find raising your own kids very triggering?
I'm finding myself with anger towards my parents and how they failed me. In the same breath I know they only did the best they could. I'm not holding it against them. I just refuse to let my children down the same way.

Is this hard for anyone else or am I just working out my trauma?
My only experience with teenagers is myself and my brother so I try and start from that perspective.
But is that even fair? The whole " I survived it, so will they," type of thought process doesn't hold true anymore.
Can we really compare us being kids to them?
There are so many things I did not have that they do:
Active shooter drills
Social media
The internet as a whole
So much information about anything and everything
The internet as a whole has changed how we do everything and how we absorb information, to what we take as a fact or opinion.
These aren't things I had to think about and decipher the same.
I just am overwhelmed with trying to give these kids a solid foundation and a fighting chance.

Thanks for having this space here for me to emotionally vomit:)
 
@nicholas29 You know, I've been sitting on the thought of posting a post just like this for days.

I'm STRUGGLING. So much. I find myself so angry at my mother. I've always known she's a narcissist, but now that I have a teen of my own (I have 3 kids- 15, 12, 8) I find myself thinking HOW COULD SHE!? On the daily. So much anger. Literal rage.
 
@louisphan I'm so glad- no wait. Lol I'm sorry you are feeling all of that, but I'm so glad I'm not alone!
I am struggling with that anger towards my mother and she is going through chemotherapy and I am her only support really.
I love my mom without a doubt. And there were a lot of ways she failed me and my brother. Then my first reaction to what I've just said is to defend her?! Ya, I've got some unpacking to do, but I've always struggled with worrying about HER feelings and not ever wanting to hurt HER. SO MANY things I do differently with my kids- very different. I see the things I've experienced and I can't help but think- if there were more people focused on what I was doing. If even one parent would have had more expectations of me- how I could have had a more solid foundation?
But I also feel that my experiences and lack of others have made me the parent I am and the person I am. I love who I've become, and my struggles molded this person. So I can't be too angry. I see, though I might have to really unpack this and figure out a way to get my feelings out there. Some day..... maybe.
 
@nicholas29 I like what you said about how your experience has made you the parent you are today. I needed that reminder. I'm trying to break the cycle of generational trauma, which it sounds like you are doing too. It's a tough battle!
It is my worst fear that my kids will think I'm like my mother. I know I'm doing a lot differently but I am so insecure and unsure if I'm doing anything "right".
 
@nicholas29 I tried to kill myself when I was my sons exact age due to incessant bullying not only at school but from my family. So it makes me hyper vigilant to his mental health, but it’s been also very, very difficult for me in terms of cptsd type symptoms. All while I have to be his dad.

We are deliberately keeping my abusers/family away too.
 
@nicholas29 I have a couple things that do seem to trigger me while raising my teens. I had always hoped to raise my kids in a way that they would not have to feel like I did while I was younger. And I feel like such a failure.

I wasn’t physically abused but one could argue the emotional abuse angle and I am a unique person, I guess, bc my family never hugged or said “love” until people started aging up and dying. But I used this deficit to make sure I hugged and cuddled my kids extra and I always tell them how much I love and cherish them and so on.

One of my daughters doesn’t like being touched anymore, it’s a sensory and comfort thing, which is fine and I fought (and still fight) to defend her choices and remind people it’s her body and she doesn’t need to feel bad about not wanting to hug. I sometimes wish I could hug her, though. And that’s all me bc my parents didn’t do that and I want her to know I’m there. Which I’m sure she knows but it’s my own little trauma to deal with.

I also recall very clearly how my father put us all on eggshells. I love and miss that man so much but you were always on edge and I don’t even know of what. I wouldn’t marry someone who made me feel that way, I vowed and my kids won’t know this anxiety. Yah, my husband is wonderful and loving and takes care of all of us but he has a bad temper and won’t admit to needing help to deal with his anger problems. My kids and I tiptoe around or hide at times to avoid upsetting him further bc something inconsequential can tip him over so quickly. I’m not worried he would ever harm us (and I have a secret plan in case I’m wrong) but I didn’t want my kids to know how bad it can feel.

Not so long ago, one of my kids was going through suicidal ideations and as a depression and suicide survivor I have had to tap out and bring my husband in to sit with her at times when I start to feel myself getting triggered. I can’t help her if I spiral out of control.

So I think I need to go back into therapy and I don’t know if you are in any, but it may be helpful to have a safe person to confide in and to reassure you that you are not alone and you are doing your best!

Sorry for the novel!
 
@afhvacigg This is my pain to a T. I feel like I’m doing everything better than my own parents did and I’m trying so hard and still somehow feel like I’m such a failure. My oldest struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, it so scary and I start thinking what have I done. How did I cause this, where did I go wrong, what can I do to fix it?
 
@nicholas29 I think that any time we gain perspective, it causes us to reevaluate our past.... And that's a good thing! Since having kids, there's been countless moments for me where I've been able to recognize the stark differences in my childhood vs what I'm providing to my child. I'm grateful to be in the headspace to do better for my kids.
 
@nicholas29 I don't think we can compare our childhood to theirs, for one we parent differently then our parents parebted us. We want better for our children.

EMDR is really good for trauma therapy. You should check it out, not all therapist do this, you may have to find one that does.

I have never blamed my mom for the way I was raised because she had a pretty messed up childhood herself and didn't have any role models on how to raise me. I just try to do good by my kids and offer them stability. I hoped to rsise strong independent kids but I am realizing now I am strong and independent because of what I went through as a child. I really hope my kids find a way to make it through in their futures.
 
@nicholas29 The whole part about “I survived it, so will they” hit me pretty hard. I did more than survive. I actually thrived after coming out of a childhood situation where it was highly unlikely that I’d ever make it out of poverty.

I put all my focus on not becoming my parents. I put all my focus on my kids never knowing the pain of my childhood. The problem.. I focused too much on what not to do, and I never stopped to think about what a 14 year old me actually needed instead of didn’t need. And because my parents couldn’t give me what I needed at that age, I have no idea how to parent my 14 year old teenage twins.

Ages 0-11 as a parent were a cake walk. I knew my place. I knew what my kids needed and I demanded and fought for their needs. Now, I stand here struggling, looking like a deer in headlights.

It’s an even bigger struggle with issues like the pandemic, shootings, and society in general. Throw on top the fact that part of my father’s issue was untreated ADHD, which I inherited because it’s genetic. Since it’s genetic, one of mine has ADHD, and another has a closely related disorder, dyslexia. Top it off with the fact we homeschool, and it just feels like I have a pile of bricks loaded to my back. I’m trying so hard to climb that hill.
 
@riser I had this exact thought the other day lol. Especially in the early years, they say kids don’t come with manuals but I read all the what to expect books lol. It was easy when I had a guide and pediatricians telling me what they should be doing where they should be at. Now that they are teens and everyone’s bodies and minds are in varying stages, and no one knows what the exact right answer is I feel so lost! Worst part is I used to think those years were draining and couldn’t wait till they got older and man, hindsight is truly 20/20
 
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