Does my baby actually know I’m mom?

[gizmorazaar]

@heismerciful Oh absolutely not. Newborns may have some recognition of the sounds and rhythms of mother, but it isn’t anything they can make sense of or ascribe meaning to - they have no context for anything. They couldn’t see or smell in the dark and fluid filled womb, and sounds were muffled.

Oxytocin is relevant to bonding, and you presumably have initially less of that than a gestational mom for hormonal reasons, but it continues to be stimulated through contact with your infant/child so you should soon catch up. However plenty of parents can tell you that the instant bond is a myth. Some do feel it, many do not and wonder what is wrong with them. It can take weeks or months.

The #1 factor in attachment is caregiver responsiveness.

 

[heismerciful]

@gizmorazaar Thank you for this info!

 

[katrina2017]

@heismerciful My son was immediately in the NICU for only four days after birth and emotionally it felt like they had replaced my baby with a stranger the first few weeks. Now at 17 months he runs up to me with this big smile when I come back from a minute long trip to the bathroom. He falls asleep snuggling caressing my arms and we have the best time hanging out together. Uterus mom, adopted mom, biological mom by surrogate, bonding can take time. You are not alone in that. Spending time with them and getting to know them they become ours.

 

[heismerciful]

@katrina2017 That is so heartening to hear. Thank you!

 

[theparadox_116]

@heismerciful Anecdotally, I was adopted at age three to a single working mom and do not remember a time not realizing she was mom. Gestational mothers might have a small head start but it's certainly not the end all be all. Showing up and being a mom makes you mom, not giving birth. I have no emotional connection with my birth mother. It's entirely with my (adoptive) mom.

 

[heismerciful]

@theparadox_116 This is really nice to hear!

 

[dp1986]

@heismerciful If they didn’t grow inside you, they won’t recognize your voice, gait nor smell. Hence, you aren’t mom immediately.

Through time and mothering they’ll learn you are mom, but as identifying another person takes time, this will come in the early stages when the theory of self is established.

 

[heismerciful]

@dp1986 Thank you!

 

[wadebayo30]

@heismerciful The road to creating strong attachment to parental figures is based on lots of input and not prewired at birth. In fact, our attachment styles can change even through adulthood. What this research shows is that newborns prefer “familiar” things, and what is familiar at first are the inputs they got in the womb. However, those familiarity preferences change rapidly with new experiences - think of a newborn who comes to associate a sound machine with bedtime, or a certain pacifier with soothing. Surrogate and adoptive situations won’t mess with who someone’s primary attachment figures are, all other things equal.

There’s some pretty compelling evidence from the Bucharest Early Intervention Project that even up to age 4 years children can adapt to new attachment figures (after having NONE) with minimal reprocussions.

 

[heismerciful]

@wadebayo30 Thanks for this info. I will check the Bucharest information.

 

[wadebayo30]

@azark I love all the prenatal learning literature. But this doesn’t show newborns understand what the concept of mom means. It suggests that they prefer familiar things (some of which have to do with mom and some of which don’t - like the sound of the family dogs barking). So newborns know you’re familiar and like that, but there is a longer road towards understanding what mom “means”.

 

[bqmichael]

@angel898000 There is research that suggests that babies recognize their mother via sound or via a combination of sound and other senses. (This actually seems to begin prenatally, in the third trimester.)

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12741744/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8047405/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/733440/

Fetuses are definitely listening and learning prenatally from the voices they hear the most -- https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/apa.12098

Obviously, the comparison of a stranger may not feel super compelling since that is not, as far as I understand, your concern-- but there is evidence to suggest that newborns prefer their mother's voice to that of other caregivers -- https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23817883/

Scent is also a potential place of early recognition -- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2717541/

I don't know that there is anything that can give you an absolutely perfect answer. Obviously, babies are not cognitively/intellectually comprehending the concept of parenthood in general-- but I would say that, if your baby's senses are all typical and you were the person who gave birth to your child, there's lots of reason to believe that you are already occupying an extremely special place in their experience of the world, and it is likely/consistent with the evidence that we have that this is over and above anyone else (including other caregivers).

 

[annjro]

@angel898000 Baby also had 9 months inside you!

 

[marsch4love]

@angel898000 So I wasn't sure at first but now my son is a momma's boy. He is so connected to me. His favorite way to fall asleep is by listening to my heart, skin to skin (he yanks my shirt down so his ear/cheek touches my skin), while caressing my arms. He doesn't do it with anyone else. My husband is actually jealous of our closeness, even though in truth, my husband is the primary parent because he works from home and I work longer hours outside of the home.

 

[teresamerica]

@angel898000 A baby will recognize the source of comfort. My Son’s whole life he’s been glued to me. I’ve always been preferred over my wife. This isn’t because my wife isn’t a great mom, but because we just spend more time together. He was bottle fed due to latching issues so I ended up doing more of the feedings. He’s still way more cuddly with me then her even now that he’s 4.

So being inside you certainly brings familiarity but in the end the bond is visual, physical and auditory because those things provide comfort. An absence of those, or those being provided by someone else and no amount of time inside you will make up for that. Your child would bond to that comfort giver.

 

[forgiven2013]

@teresamerica She’s not asking about parent vs parent she’s asking about herself vs another caretaker who is only there during working hours. Ostensibly you’re there day and night and have the parental bond. Not the same as a non-parent caretaker.

 

[teresamerica]

@forgiven2013 But it is the same. Kids will bond with non parents too. I’ve seen it happen with nannys. Mom is always mom, but the bond suffers, especially with younger children who don’t understand.

 

[wadebayo30]

@teresamerica Babies and children can and do have multiple strong attachment figures. It’s not a “one or the other”. Ideally in a situation like OP is posting, the child would be attached to both mom (and dad?) and daytime caregiver (though at a mere few months old this would be considered more of a “proto attachment” - it takes over a year for full attachments to occur). There’s also research since the 50s showing that this attachment is based on emotional support and sensitivities, not things like feeding. I’ll put my sources in a main comment to OP.

Edit: time with a parent is also not necessarily a strong indicator of attachment preferences - it’s the type/quality of that time together. Added those references to my main response.

 

[forgiven2013]

@teresamerica Source?

 

[teresamerica]

@forgiven2013 I just gave it to you. Personal experience. Neighbour had a nanny and the baby bonded with the nanny because the mom was a nurse and dad was a doctor and neither were home regularly. Baby would only be soothed by the nanny. Got better as baby got older and when mom was able to be home more. This post isn’t cite sources which is why I gave a personal experience. If you want to research it more, you can, but I’d have to do the same thing.