Does my baby actually know I’m mom?

A

angel898000

New member
Everyone says baby always knows who’s mom, who takes care of them most, etc.
I had a relatively short maternity leave (7 weeks) and baby is being watched by a family member during the day. I work until 5 and only get a few hours of quality time a night with her, aside from night feeds and weekends.
Is there science that backed up that my baby actually knows who I am to her or is it just assumed?
 
@angel898000 Babies show preferences for mom’s smell and sound from birth - as demonstrated by other posters’ sources. This isn’t “knowing mom” but is a familiarity preference learned prenatally (you can also elicit this via foods mom ate, songs they heard prenatally, etc) and is obviously evolutionarily beneficial.

As long as a parent is a source of support and emotional sensitivity, this bond just gets stronger, and daytime caregivers do not interrupt any attachment to the parent (https://www.jstor.org/stable/1132038). Ideally, the infant will feel strongly attached to both the parent figures AND the daycare figures, long before they know what “mom” / “dad” / “teacher” / “nanny” even means (https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1990.tb02825.x, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00896.x). In other words, there doesn’t have to be “one” mom or parent or primary figure - there are many instances of infants having multiple equally strong relationships, particularly cross-culturally.

Importantly, a mother/infant bond is not based on things like who feeds the child most (check the Harlow studies or Steve Suomis research for some classics) or who spends the most time with them. It’s based on who they feel secure with. Some have even argued that working parents spend less overall time but much more QUALITY time with their kids, resulting in good relationships (this is “pop science” coverage but I think it does a good job of summarizing a big body of research and links to empirical studies - https://www.washingtonpost.com/loca...813192-d378-11e4-8fce-3941fc548f1c_story.html).

TLDR; No, your weeks-old infant doesn’t have a conscious concept of what “mom” means - but they will! And right now you are doing all the things you need to do to strengthen that bond. For now, they see you as a familiar place of love and support that they like to be with - their “home base”. Caregiving away from you will not mess with that.

-Prof / Phd in Child Development
 
@wadebayo30 Thank you! I guess I’m worried that my baby will prefer the babysitter over me and am looking for research to calm my nerves on that. As much as I wish I could stay home it’s not possible financially, and her caregiver is another family member who I hope she has a close bond with anyway.
 
@angel898000 Just wait for the first time baby experiences something new and a bit stressful and is willing to try it because you get down on their level and help them through it. It’s hard to read the attachment sometimes when they are at the potato stage, but it won’t be long before you see what they can do because of you if you keep being an active and supportive caregiver on your time off. This is a much better metric than who baby prefers at a given moment, which will change regularly among all her caregivers.
 
@angel898000 I completely get it - but you aren’t harming anything! Babies might go through small phases where they prefer one person over another for a matter of weeks or months, but that is very common even when all those bonds are super secure (and often has to do with … nothing … other than the baby/toddler trying out what it means to show their preferences). There’s even research that shows that working moms end up having children who are more successful later in life :) So mom-on with confidence
 
@wadebayo30 "Working parents spend less overall time, but more quality time with their kids resulting in good relationships". This. I 100% agree. As a preschool teacher who went back to work after my son was almost a year. I definitely miss him more during the day, but my patience for him in the evenings when he is tired and can be most difficult has increased. I don't regret staying home with him that first year and it was invaluable time well spent with him, but I needed to go back to work for financial and other reasons. Ironically, I went back to work and started in the infant room; I traded 1 baby for 8 😅. The difference is that there is another person with me and most importantly, bathroom breaks.
 
@angel898000 No science, but I can share my experience. I had 8 weeks of maternity leave and my husband was actually home that whole time doing at least half of the baby care because I had a rough recovery. I never breastfed and my son started full time daycare at 12 weeks. I have never truly been his primary caregiver, but he still clearly prefers me even at 13mo. He really likes his daycare teacher. He likes his daddy and grandparents. However, I’m still the only person he consistently runs for and cries to have hold him.

He clearly knew who I was from the start. At one day old he whipped his head around when I answered a question asked by a nurse. My mom was holding him across the room. He heard his Mama and wanted to know where I was (I was also shocked at his neck strength) Your baby spent 9 months inside you so they seem to sense who you are even if you don’t spend the most time with them. I’m sure my son will change preferences eventually, but for now I’m still number one adult even if I don’t provide most of his care.
 
@soldout30 Full time daycare at 12 weeks? Jesus Christ I can’t imagine having to do that. I had a hard enough time as is sending my little guy there at 1 year.
 
@rynno Our daycare actually accepts babies as young as 6 weeks which blew my mind. We were super lucky my husband could take some unpaid family leave to bridge the gap between 8-12 weeks. America’s parental leave is such absolute shit.
 
@rynno I would argue that it’s actually a little harder sending them later since they have more of an attachment to you (and you to them) and more awareness.
 
@kenmax I haven't tested this theory, but I agree. Mine started at 3.5 months, and it didn't phase her a bit. Now she's 10.5 months, and she'd be Very Upset if I left her with people she didn't know. And she's never even really done the stranger danger thing, she's cool with new people, even them holding her...as long as someone she knows is there.
 
@heismerciful Anecdotal, but my son was adopted from an orphanage. We took custody at 6 months. Two weeks later we returned with him to the orphanage for necessary paperwork and a medical check, and the ladies were so excited to see him again. They gathered around and his primary caregiver wanted to hold him, so I passed him to her. He immediately started crying and reached for me so I took him back and he clung hard. This produced big happy satisfied smiles among the ladies, who approvingly said “he knows his mommy”.

Poor little guy probably thought we were returning him.
 
@gizmorazaar That’s really heartening to hear. Thank you for sharing.

My LO was born via surrogacy 6 days ago and I am having a hard time bonding and I get worried that since I didn’t carry him, that the bonding issue was part of the problem.

ETA: thank you for all the kind responses. I did not want to hijack the thread but I very much appreciate all the nice responses.
 
@heismerciful There's a program on Netflix called Babies, and they were doing a study on hormonal changes that primary caregivers go through, and specifically they looked at gay fathers who utilized surrogacy compared to mothers who were the gestational carriers of their children.

They found that whoever was the primary caregiver in the gay men couples experienced the same hormonal changes as the women who were pregnant with their children.

Anecdotally, there are lots of parents who don't feel an immediate overwhelming connection to their babies. A lot of people need some time to develop that bond! My spouse took about 6 weeks to feel deeply connected and intense love with our child, despite feeling a sense of responsibility towards them
 
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