Does anyone feel that twins is just a setup to fail?

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balancedworld

New member
I have identical twin girls, born 7 weeks prematurely, now 21 months actual age.

I love them dearly, etc. but I find myself legitimately angry and resentful at just the fact of having twins. No matter how hard we work at parenting, you’re just consistently set up to fail. You can’t manufacture more hands. You can’t double your attention. You can’t give each of them what you want to the extent you want to give it. They suffer for it, and I feel consistently overwhelmed. I also feel like I missed out on a lot of the positives of parenting. The sweet snuggly newborn days, the bonding, even breastfeeding which I wasn’t able to do because of a lot of preemie related complications.

The only comfort I have is reminding myself that other parents have multiple children. Heck, I am one of six. But they seem to like it? Or be ok enough to want to do it again while I am so 100% confident I never want to do this again.

Truly the only plus side I’ve experienced so far is that I feel like I know them for who they are a bit more deeply. When you have a constant control group, you realize quickly what’s their unique personality and interests vs what’s just a general baby thing. H/t to someone on this forum who shared this insight when I was in the thick of the newborn stage which was so exhausting and overwhelming that I can only now look at pictures.

Anyways, wondering if anyone feels the same. There are parenting joys, sure. But overall I feel just overwhelmed at the thought of doing this for as many more years as I have to do this. My girls still don’t walk (don’t worry they are in physio), so it’s been double the babies for what feels like double the duration.

Thanks for the space for getting this off my chest.
 
@balancedworld The resentment I feel sometimes towards god/the universe/my freak genetics for releasing 2 eggs gets to be overwhelming some days. You’re not alone mama! My babes are 5 months old and of course I would die for them but I find myself wondering all the time how much easier this might be if it had only ever been 1 baby.
 
@alabamadawn84 Speaking as a person who had a singleton first then twins IMO first time parenting is outrageously hard regardless of how many babies you have. One baby takes 100% of your time. So do two. And three. (Because there isn’t any more time, as we know.) honestly becoming a parent is a mindfuck and I think for FT parents of twins they think it’s such mindfuckery because twins, but actually it’s because child(ren).
 
@dordrecht I’d agree with this. Going from 0 to 1 was MENTAL and boy I struggled HARD. Resented it sometimes. She is now a 5 year old and I have an almost 2 year old too, whilst being pregnant with twins. The 2nd was (although a much harder child with colic, lactose intolerance etc) so much easier as I kind of knew what I was doing. What I’m trying to say is, going from 0-1 is MENTAL. I can’t imagine going from 0-2!! There is definitely a massive difficulty in just becoming a parent. It was definitely around 2 that things started to become easier with my first singleton, so hopefully it won’t be long for you either :)

I’m really excited to have 4 kids now, terrified but excited and it took me a while to be super excited about being a parent! But I LOVE it now!
 
@balancedworld I 100% felt that way at 21 months. (And the vast majority of the time before then, too).

We are currently at 28 months and oh my god it is finally feeling fun. I can speculate as to why - their communication is way better, they’re funny, they entertain themselves and each other for short stretches (when they’re not trying to / succeeding at hurting each other), or maybe it’s because I started sleeping better. But also, I personally find toddler tantrums a little easier than infant crying - toddlers tantrum for reasons that are honestly kind of funny, as opposed to an infant crying because they want to be held or nursed or changed but your hands are full because you have two of them. (Like with a toddler it’s “you peeled my banana wrong” tantrums. I can sit with them and empathize, and when they get it all out they just move on with their day).
 
@xuxu I’m glad/hopeful to hear what it’s like in a few months!

Yeah, the fight or flight feelings of infant twins crying is…dreadful. Simultaneous toddler tantrums aren’t fun but your body isn’t about to shut down with panic. You’re right. They can be funny!
 
@balancedworld Goodness, I feel like I could’ve written this especially today (18 month girls). A truly spectacularly awful day. Cried in the shower, then had to call my husband to come home from work because I literally had to go for a drive and just simply leave the house from the mayhem.

Everything you’ve put in this post OP has crossed my mind also. I guess I now know I’m not alone in these thoughts. Thanks for bravely putting this out there, it really helped me feel less isolated.
 
@balancedworld Are these your only children?

I think a lot of what you’re describing, especially by the time the children are toddlers, is just the reality of having more than one child, multiples or not. Any child with a sibling gets split attention sometimes, doesn’t get their needs immediately met, doesn’t get unlimited 1:1 time with their parent.

But when it comes to the newborn phase and early infancy, I do think it’s obviously a much higher degree of difficulty and there are lots of traditional newborn things that need to be sacrificed just to meet the needs of two tiny babies at once. Breastfeeding is a good example - having breastfed both a singleton and twins, I can tell you that breastfeeding twins is exponentially more difficult. I exclusively breastfed my singleton until 15 months, but I switched to exclusively formula for my twins at 4 months simply because I couldn’t keep up with the time and logistical and caloric demands. I’m confident that if I had just had 3 singletons instead of a singleton and then twins, I would have been able to exclusively breastfeed all 3 past 1 year old.

So I completely get what you’re saying. But I also personally think that the joys of twins far outweigh the disadvantages and challenges. I feel so lucky to have twins and wouldn’t change it for anything.
 
@balancedworld For me it’s not necessarily them doing certain things (mine are only 5 months), it’s just double the love and joy to have two babies at once.

Compared to my experience with my singleton, who, don’t get me wrong is the absolutely light of my life, there is just something overwhelmingly joyful about having two adorable sweet babies looking up at you. It’s like this overwhelming feeling of happiness, and of this shock that I got so lucky to be one of the few people that gets two amazing babies at the same time.

I’m sure I’m going to be bowled over again and again once they start doing things together and building a relationship with each other. I just genuinely feel so lucky every day that I get to be on this special journey with my boys.
 
@balancedworld I mean mine are 9 months and any time they almost look at each other at all I’m like OMGGGG TWINTERACTION

Don’t get me wrong, they’re awful and all, but since I had them after my singleton I can attest that they are definitely more than twice as cute and fun, at least during the times that they are being cute and fun

I feel like the adorable and fun moments are amped up more, it’s just that the price is way higher. Probably not a price any of us would choose to pay…. But well here we are
 
@balancedworld Oh my gosh. I can answer! I have triplets, and the guilt is reeeeeeeal. It’s awful. But now, they are two. It has never been boring, which I love. If I need a cuddle, someone will always be able to give me one. They’re fantastic at taking turns, so I know they’ll be awesome when kindergarten starts.

But the fighting, biting and division I have to give of my love is haaaaaard. :(

I’d love to find studies on multiples, someone wrote on a science based parenting thing and I responded, that they read twins are more likely to have, ah, something sorry I’m tired, but if you go to my comments you’ll find it xxx but I’d take it with a grain of salt bc they didn’t provide the study, so it’s probs bs and it would absolutely be based on a range of factors.

All the best of love xxxx
 
@balancedworld Mine are 16 months. It's hard as hell. Im a FTM and SAHM. The twin joys for me come from when they play and giggle together, hug each other, play wrestle with each other, pet each other on the head, and feed each other/share cheerios or fruit at the table (I think they learned the petting and feeding from us ). Don't get me wrong, every. day. has tested me but these are the joys I get out of this long marathon.
 
@balancedworld It is absolutely overwhelming. You have to redefine success. Set the bar lower. You seem concerned you aren't giving them enough attention, and I have mentioned a similar concern to my therapist before and she said "they may not have as much of your attention, but they have each other and a big sister. Only children don't have that." Basically there's no "best" situation, just different. There are always tradeoffs.

The good: My boys are 34 months old, and they have started chatting with each other all the time. It's adorable. They learn from each other and entertain each other. They fight some too, but I think siblings do. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel as they gain independence. They give me double snuggles and I get to hear a chorus of "I love you mama."
 
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