Daughter broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years & it’s like I’m going through a breakup.

[sylvie]

I’m so upset and angry. She’s an adult but lives at home. I resisted getting to know him at first because I didn’t think they’d stay together long term. Then they talked about moving in together and getting married so I got to know him. He became like a son. He would text my husband for fatherly advice. We invited him for Christmas and bought a stocking for him. He was gone for a few months for a college program, and I made him a welcome home dinner. Turns out he cheated on my daughter. Begged her to not break up with him and then when she agreed to stay, he broke up with her. I’m so angry and disappointed in him. He lacks character. And I have to stay out of it because she an adult and I can’t fix this. I don’t know where else to be angry because she doesn’t want us to be angry.

Edited to add: he begged her not to break up. I didn’t beg her not to break up.

 

[giltrose]

@sylvie Are you able to be there for your daughter and comfort her? Being cheated on is so incredibly painful and I would hope my mom would be there for me instead of me having to worry about how to manage her anger.

Which is totally ok to be angry. Just make sure you can put it aside and check in on your daughter.

You are losing someone you thought would be in the family which is painful and it makes sense.

I would advise my daughter to take the loss on the trip. It will just make things confusing and painful for her. Why be friends with someone who could hurt her like this? It never works.

 

[sylvie]

@giltrose Oh I’m not being angry around her! I am checking on her. She lives at home and is actually pretty sick right now, so we’re focusing on the cold. I’m on here so I can be angry somewhere!

 

[giltrose]

@sylvie I totally get that! Your feelings are totally valid. My own mom didn’t handle when I got cheated well so I just shared my thoughts in case it was something similar. Not judging you at all!

I can’t imagine the happening to my own child. I think I’d want to throw that man off a cliff lol

 

[sylvie]

@giltrose I’m so angry and disappointed! His mom is more upset than I am. She loves my daughter and while he was gone, my daughter would go over and visit her and they’d go shopping or out to dinner together.

 

[seangibbons]

@sylvie You’re all in too deep.

 

[iamhere]

@seangibbons Agreed. They’re not married. You shouldn’t start accepting someone into your family unless they’re married or about to be.

Anyway, that’s the two people in the relationship’s bond. Why do parent’s feel they need to be friends and go shopping with their kid’s boyfriend or girlfriend.

That’s beyond the boundaries.

 

[bengc80]

@iamhere My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for seven years and we’ve known him since they were 14. They’ve lived together for four years now. They are buying a house now. When should we start accepting him into our family?

 

[dancingstream]

@bengc80 When they get married! Duh! Don’t waste your time on that “boyfriend” until a he’s a husband! /s

 

[love_jesus]

@iamhere "Agreed. They’re not married."

There are people who don't get married the first 20+ years of their relationship, lol.

How important this marriage thing is is going to REALLY depend on where you live.

For most where I live, marriage is a thing you do after having kids.

 

[mikegray]

@iamhere People progress in relationships differently. Your marriage advice doesn’t make my sense in many cases. My (now) husband and I have a baby and bought a house before we got married. We were obviously close to each other’s family members while being boyfriend/girlfriend only.

 

[katrina2017]

@giltrose Oh my mom constantly praises my daughter’s baby daddy who was serially cheating on me, claiming it must be my fault I can’t “keep a man”…seriously toxic shit that has me still getting into toxic relationships to this day (well not actually…now I have just sworn myself off of romantic relationships…)

 

[giltrose]

@katrina2017 You are letting her win, don’t do that. I got therapy that helped me understand why exactly my moms affect on me had me getting into toxic relationships and my therapist helped me work on that, I can’t recommend therapy enough! Game changer

 

[davedarcy]

@sylvie Prepare yourself emotionally when they get back together. That boys gonna have to move mountains to gain back your trust.

 

[sylvie]

@davedarcy That’s why I’m also trying not to smear him too much in front of her! I’m afraid that will happen and I don’t want her to hide it from me. He will never win my trust again.

 

[jackchip88]

@sylvie If they get back together, you will of course have to accept that she is an adult and can make her own choices. But you are also an adult and can make the choice of whether he is still like a “son” to you (Christmas stocking, welcome home dinner” or just your daughter’s boyfriend (polite but not invested).

I’m sorry she is going through this. She is too young to realize there is someone better out there that wouldn’t betray her. The being young might have been an excuse if he cheated once in the heat of the moment after being away from her for a long time. The continued cheating was a choice to lie to her and betray her every single day. I hope she realizes that and ditches the trip. I’d personally rather lose money than lose my dignity because he’s either going to try to get back with her or fool around with her until the trip is over.

 

[katrina2017]

@sylvie You should be insisting that she doesn’t see him.

Why are you catering around the feelings of a dude who is using your daughter?

I would bet my last £ this is not the first time and won’t be the last.

There are LOTS of men out there who would stay faithful. Probably not as exciting though.

 

[tam19922]

@katrina2017 I don’t think mom is catering to his feelings tho. She’s making sure that if her adult child makes her own choice to get back with him in the future that her daughter won’t try to keep it from her. She knows that she can’t keep her daughter in a bubble anymore bc she’s an adult and has to make her own decisions otherwise she might get distant and not confide in her. No mother wants to push her child away even accidentally.

 

[katrina2017]

@tam19922 Feelings aren’t as important as actions.

It would be nice if some backbone was shown and prioritising difficult discussions and honesty over pleasant conversations.

If she’s old enough to make her decisions she shouldn’t be living at home with her parents.

She’s a daughter, and not a friend. Parents are there to show them how to live and be responsible.

Anyone cheated on my daughter when she’s an adult it would be the end of any relationship I had with that individual and they would not be welcome. Believe it or not, if you care about someone you can control not getting an erection and ejaculating into someone else. It’s real easy. It’s also easy to not allow someone put their penis in your vagina. What you do is you don’t interact with other people in situations where this might happened. When propositioned, you say no.

It’s really, really simple.

Hopefully there’s a father on the scene who can put some standards down.

Actions should have consequences and if you don’t show this guy the door, they will do it again and again, and you will get walked over. It’s showing the daughter that it’s fine for guys to treat you like that.

It’s weakness, plain and simple, you can dress it up as social work, it’s a reluctance to face reality and a lack of courage to confront issues.

 

[tam19922]

@katrina2017 If they were living together and broke up parents house is a smart option. Or if she was still in college there’s nothing wrong with living with her parents. Living on your own in this economy is hard as hell. So let’s not judge this girl for living with her parents. She is still clearly old enough to make her own decisions about her own relationship. I’ve watched first hand what happens when parents try to step in and control their child’s relationships. They stop telling them anything and start hiding other decisions in their life. Parents have to know when to step back. Young adults have to learn for themselves for the most part bc they are stubborn and will make their own decisions regardless. Op just said she’s not smearing him too much to her daughter. Op is doing the right thing here, checking in and ultimately supporting her daughter.