Coparenting and Chores

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flowersmaywither

New member
My children came to me and told me that they felt they were old enough to 'earn some money', seeing as I don't do as my ex-H does and just give them money. I make them earn their treats and new toys, etc. I informed them that- if they were serious and wanted to earn money-, they were old enough to do chores.

I didn't make it anything too difficult for an 8 and 9 year old, I think....

Ex:

8-y/o's Monday:
  • *Make bed
  • *Help with cleaning kitchen/cooking dinner
  • *Pick up trash/clothes in living room/hallway/bathroom
  • *Bath/Hygiene Time (Wash body, apply leave-in conditioner during hair brushing, brush teeth) 2nd In Bath
  • *Set out clothes for next day
  • *Pack summer camp backpack (bathing suit, towel, sunscreen, plastic bag for wet clothes, lunch/snacks if needed, extra set of clothing in case of accident)
9-y/o's Monday:
  • *Make bed
  • *Wash and dry 1 load of clothes (Load washer, add detergent, turn on washer, move clothes from washer to dryer, move clothes from dryer to couch to be folded)
  • *Put away 1 load of clothes (Move folded clothes from couch to appropriate drawers in bedroom)
  • *Pick up trash/clothes from bedroom floor
  • *Bath/Hygiene Time (Wash body, shampoo and condition hair in bath, brush teeth, lotion skin) 1st In Bath
  • *Set out clothes for next day
  • *Pack summer camp backpack (bathing suit, towel, sunscreen, plastic bag for wet clothes, lunch/snacks if needed, extra set of clothing in case of accident)
The chore list is generally just wash, rinse, repeat until we get to the weekends where there is added sweeping the living room and hallway, washing the bed linens, and sweeping the porch.

Well, my ex found out about the chores list and has been blasting me all day, calling me a slave driver, saying that I'm abusing the children by making them work, telling me that my house must be filthy if I'm this desperate, etc, etc. I remember doing both of these lists combined when I was a child and still not getting an allowance because it was expected of me to do these things as the eldest of 5 kids.

Am I expecting too much from them?
 
@flowersmaywither My ex made a formal complaint against me for "imposing adult responsibilities" on our then 15 year old. He was responsible for dinner dishes every other day, taking out the garage, keeping his bathroom clean to my standard, personal hygiene requirements etc. Nothing came of it other than wasting the judges time. Fast forward 4 years and my son was the only one of his 4 roommates that knew how to clean a toilet, a stove, do laundry, make scrambled eggs, etc. Children will be adults one day and need to know the basics. Keep doing that hat you're doing.
 
@cnfrmngtruth Seriously! I tell my kids this all the time. "Don't be the roommate everyone hates because you are filthy and can't clean up after yourself."

My kids do two chores a day, and piano lessons. I taught them how to make some food (scrambled eggs, sandwiches, mac and cheese) because once I had a 20 year old cousin live with me and she didn't know how to make scrambled eggs! She wasn't trying to get me to do it, she literally couldn't. I want my kids to not starve or be the embarrassment of the apartment.
 
@flowersmaywither No, that’s a great list IMO! Kids really thrive off learning real life things like that,

Just some personal stuff here: i grew up with a mom who fell into a deep depression after my dad left and I pretty well had zero responsibilities by 9 and a half years old, it made me so damn lazy. I ended up having like 8 cavities at once by the time I was 10, I had to have surgery to get them removed. My room was always a mess.

I’m 23 now and got out of that rut finally, but I feel if my mom had implemented a list like this for me, maybe it wouldn’t have been such a transition for me. I think it’s a great list, your kids are lucky to have an organized mom!
 
@flowersmaywither "my ex found out about the chores list and has been blasting me all day,"

I guess it doesn't matter how he found out but how exactly is he blasting you? In person? Text? Email? Phone call?

Phone calls just don't bother answering, everything else gray rock. Don't even validate his opinion with a response. Answer only what's necessary info regarding kids.

Save all written communications.
 
@flowersmaywither Try to avoid using the social media to communicate. Sometimes even looking at stuff on there can send notifications. See if you can't just stick with text. It will have the added bonus of everything in one single place if you need to scrape together printouts for a judge.
 
@flowersmaywither Ignore him. All 4 of my kids (1 bio, 3 step) have chores.

11 year old: dishes every other day, put laundry from hamper in their room into washer when told and then fold and put away once clean, self hygiene, clean room, trash out as needed and to the curb weekly.

8 year old - dishes on opposite days of 11 year old, clean room, vacuum, laundry just like 11 year old, self hygiene, trash out of the girls room and girls bathroom

7 year old - feed all 6 cats, empty litter box, laundry like above, self hygiene, clean room

4 year old - laundry into hamper in their room, pick up room, pick up toys in rest of house.

If they don’t learn to clean up after themselves, they’ll grow into bad roommates.
 
@flowersmaywither So I've had this conversation with my ex a few dozen times (I'm #3 out of 6 kids LOL). My ex is the 1st of 2 kids, and I'm sure she had some chores as a kid, but her perspective is that kids shouldn't have to lift a finger. (ever) for ie.. When she 1st went to a college apartment her mom spent 2 days teaching her how to take care of things/clean/cook. (FYI neither can cook very well) And my ex basically told me for decades, I couldn't cook/clean etc. (I could she just would always be yelling I didn't know how, and I'd tell her I did, but it wasn't her way I'm sure)

So here's a few things teaching kids to do chores, cook/cleaning/maintenance are all family/house/life learning experiences. This goes from how to make a grilled cheese, to how to use a plunger.. My ex didn't know how to use one till I showed her and she was out of college.

Chores have a purpose in teaching the kids how to survive on their own. As I've told my kids, you get to college/apartment, don't call me to unclog your toilet. Don't call me to make you lunch.. By then they should already know it. These are life skills.. I'm still working on getting my new chore chart together.

Two colors, one is for chores they get paid for (mowing the lawn/yard work, extra / above the basics of living, cleaning a bathroom) Then other ones like putting their laundry away, or dishes, I consider base chores. You only get paid if your base chores are done. If not even if you do the paid chores you don't get paid, till their done..

My oldest says I'm stingy.. LOL I just like to see it as, otherwise they'd only do the paying chores. It also helps them learn that certain things like brushing their teeth, aren't a chore it's a basic taking care of themselves. And other things like mowing the lawn, which is a job, you can get paid for.
 
@flowersmaywither My ex used to name-call me for creating a chore chart. He also used to call me abusive and still cleaned our daughter's room until age 15.

He is no longer in the picture because our child saw the light and sees how I have taught her essential life skills. She is now 16 and WANTS to work. She has her own money.

You are absolutely doing right. Kid's aren't going to learn life skills any other way.
 
@flowersmaywither Just ignore him! He's pretending he knows what happens in your home, but he doesn't. If you're happy and your kids are happy with the arrangement then don't be bothered by what he has to say about it.
 
@flowersmaywither Good for you!
My wife coddled them and kept saying "oh just let them be kids." And she cleaned up after them. I tried to institute a chore program for a couple years, but of course it went by the way side and they left their mom go back to doing everything. Their mother left after 18 years, while three of them were in high school because she was burned out and tired and didn't know who she was anymore.
I predicted it 18 years ago, I told her not to let it happen. But I couldn't stop it.
 
@flowersmaywither Nothing wring with what you're doing. My 4 year old has chores like
-pick up his laundry and put them in the dryer
-clear his dishes and help wash them
-Brush teeth and hair (just recently started showers instead of bath too)
-put away clothes and pick outfit for the day
 
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