Conversation about being more involved?

[charlesaugustine]

Good day y'all. I'm kind of stuck on a subject regarding my sons father and dont know how to bring it up. Back story, we get along great and rarely have disagreements. But he lives 400 miles away in another state, when I was pregnant I arranged with my job to transfer there but he adamantly said no due to being high risk and I had a awesome medical team. Since our son was born 2.5 years ago I've offered 3 more times to move closer and hes again said no every time. He originally was going to move here but for whatever reason didnt. I just want what's best for our son plan and simple. I take our son down there twice a year, father's day and alternating holidays, and hes supposed to come up here every 3 months but it's usually only 1 time a year. (I adore his family and they have accepted my nephew I recently adopted as their family as well and insist on seeing us and having a relationship with us) Hes never asked to take him and since hes been born only taken him over night 1 time. We had plans to meet at the halfway point between our homes for him to take him for a week but he bailed prior to it. He does send child support monthly and when he remembers facetimes him once a week for 15 minutes on average. So here's my issue. While we were down there over Thanksgiving, I discovered via Instagram hes planning on moving even further away. When I suggested moving closer to our son so he can spend time with him, his response was "ugh. But its insert my state)". How do I bring up to him how it would benefit our son if he moved closer and actually spent time with him? I hate confrontation but, I've been the one doing everything as far as raising our son. Hes very much in the victim mentality when faced with most anything. Yes, hes supportive of me emotionally but, while hes living his bachelor lifestyle and is basically a Disneyland dad, I've sacrificed. It bothers me that our son doesnt have that relationship with him but he does love seeing his dad when he does. I know I cant force anything and it's my fault I've let this go on as long as it has. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[katrina2017]

@charlesaugustine You said you know you can’t force anything, and you’re right about that. It’s not your fault if your son’s dad doesn’t want to be more involved.

It sounds like you’ve done what you can to encourage a relationship between them. At this point, since you’ve controlled what you can control and you’re aware of what you can’t control, it’s probably time to move into acceptance mode. Keep encouraging the relationship, but (like you said) don’t force it, and definitely don’t blame yourself.

 

[burks_patrick]

@charlesaugustine Just to back the above comment up. This isn't your fault your son's dad doesn't sound like he wants to actively be involved. Maybe that will change when your son is older I don't know. I'd take a step back and let him plan when or if he wants to see your son ..

 

[katetea]

@charlesaugustine There’s a funny thing about fighting to keep people involved. It seems like, ironically, this often leads to increased apathy. People tend to most value the things and situations they fight and work for. I’m in no way saying any parent should make the other fight or plead for time...absolutely hate it when people alienate the other parent for no reason. It’s heartbreaking and awful for everyone involved. But I am saying basically what these other comments are. You’ll burn up a lot of needless energy trying to make him be who you think he should be. Be the best mom you can be, and leave that space there for him to step forward when he decides to. The more it’s his choice, the more he can measure out for himself its actual importance to him. And it sounds like you’re doing great. I stay on this sub because (amongst a little toxic whining), there really are some beautiful souls that totally inspire me to be better myself. Good luck!

 

[bitz]

@charlesaugustine He doesn't want to parent, or even be much of a coparent. I think you ought to put your energy into creating the community and family you want where you already are, or in the city you choose -- with no consideration given to where your kid's dad lives. Your kid might not actually grieve for the loss of a real father. Some kids just take it in stride, and accept the situation. Then you can out your efforts to work on accepting the reality of the situation, rather than trying to fix it for everyone to avoid the truth. Your ex is not going to do his share, even if you live next door. It sounds like some of his family is worth including in your "family of choice" and that some of them do want a relationship. But the fact that your ex does so little to get closer to you both means that he doesn't actually want it. It's sad, but I'd stop offering to make it easier for him. Make the best of what is instead of wishing for what isn't.

Edited to add: I strongly suspect that he's been lying about something. Hes hiding you two, or he's hiding his wife/gf/other mother of a kid or something. He might be able to lie a few times a year while you're there, but I bet hes afraid of the truth coming out if you live there.