Christmas gifts for coparent that you don’t actually like

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sabrinawellard

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Does anyone else have a coparenting relationship where you’re friendly on a surface level/amicable for the kids sake ONLY? Under the surface, I still can’t get past the horrible things they’ve done. If I weren’t legally obligated because of the children, there would be no contact at all.

Yet every year I feel obligated to buy a gift for them and whoever they’re dating at the moment. Maybe it’s because of the friendly facade, maybe it’s because of all these social media posts like “make a gift for my kids bio/step/whatever with me” and seeing everyone else have these healthy coparenting relationships that I feel pressured to. Maybe it’s out of my love for my children, but then I wonder if they’ll really be traumatized if I don’t send gifts to coparents house on Christmas? I doubt they would be.

Maybe I’m a bad person for caring about it, or maybe I’m normal and all these tiktok coparents aren’t actually besties too. Either way I’ll still take my kids shopping, wrap up the gifts and fake more niceties when dropping them off. I really really look forward to not having to see the person I dislike most in this world on Christmas every year one day.
 
@sabrinawellard If it were not for the sake of the kids, I wouldn’t even send a card. Once the kids are grown, I expect to only see or hear from the ex at weddings and major life events for our children.

That said…

Our kids are really invested in gifting their mother, so I let them choose something (within reason) each year. We choose something, and we wrap the gifts together, and we share together the experience of giving. That to me is worth the actual expense as well as the emotional cost of having to think charitably about someone who has done me so much harm over the years.

But I do look forward to the final time I’ll have to do that. Not gifting my ex will be a great gift to myself.
 
@sabrinawellard I let the kids guide it: since our divorce nearly 8 years ago, they always wanted to buy a gift for their other parent and his SO. So while shopping for other family members, we’d pick something up for them, too. It’s typically something pretty small/cheap, but the kids get excited that it’s something they picked out. You’re not a bad person at all for not doing it and/or not caring about it. What works for some doesn’t work for others.
 
@rylick Yeah - I am the same. I actually have a very amiable relationship with my ex, and I wish him all the best. But I still don't buy him any Christmas gifts!

But my daughter is still young enough that she can't shop on her own, but she wants to participate in Christmas. She picks something out for him and I help her wrap it. But it is from HER to him, and it's never anything fancy or expensive.
 
@sabrinawellard My kids pick out a gift for their dad and his girlfriend but it genuinely pains me to pay for it 😬.

I get your relationship with him though. I can be friendly but I can tell you deep down I have a genuine hatred for him and everything he has done for me, which in turn just over all hurt my family. I feel like co parenting with someone who was very emotionally abusive is a new hell I never expected to live.
 
@4lifephotography You get it, thank you! It sucks, but sometimes it’s easier to just literally buy your peace with whatever cheap cologne set your kids want to buy. People are easier to deal with if you don’t express your unwavering dislike of them usually.
 
@sabrinawellard I will say that my ex is bipolar and my interactions are vastly different at different times. My birthday was last month and I was working + the kids were at his house on my birthday and I noticed he sent me a voice message , I got home and played it and him and the kids were singing happy birthday to me and I can tell you that I probably made the most disgusted face 😬 why would I want to hear him sing happy birthday to me ? . It could be him being nice I guess ? But he threatened to call the police on me 2 weeks before that because I gave our old bbq to my parents. ( he moved out 3 years ago and never mentioned or asked for it) it’s so hot and cold with him that it’s insane.
 
@4lifephotography Literally same, and everything is a double standard with him. He let his girlfriend take my kids to a hotel to go swimming while he was at work (within a couple weeks of dating her) and didn’t even tell me, the kids told me. But he will not hand the kids over to my husband if I get stuck working over 15-30 minutes.
 
@sabrinawellard I haven’t bought a gift in the 5 years I’ve been divorced. Feel like it sets the tone for teaching my children to rewards people who treat you terribly/try to destroy you. They have never said a word about it and might be due to the unique circumstances of my divorce. My ex just divorced my ex best friend this year.
 
@sabrinawellard My son isn’t old enough to “buy” gifts for dad yet. At that point I might consider what my budget is for a gift through my son, but before that no way. I would feel extremely uncomfortable giving/being given a gift under the circumstances with my coparent (amicable legally and in front of son but personally we hate each other.) but extra hell no to buying his girlfriend something 😂
 
@tinabugs77 He had one SO I really liked for 2 years. I was so sad to see her go last year. Now he’s been seeing someone new and since then he’s stopped seeing the kids as much, the kids ask not to go to the new (6 months and he’s moved in) girlfriends house/spend his weekends with his parents instead. So, I guess I have some extra feelings of resentment this holiday season and that’s probably why I’m extra salty about the gift giving.
 
@sabrinawellard That really sucks, I’m sorry. Seeing how it affects your kids makes sense for that active resentment. If you don’t want to get a gift or it makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t. And based on what others have said it seems common to not do so. Whatever works for you two if you’re comfortable, but I wouldn’t go out of my way for him.
 
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