Choosing NOT to do daycare

[chasullivan]

@fab01 I have my daughter in daycare, and my twins will when my maternity is up. To me, it’s worth it. I work shift work, and have days off through out the week. So sometimes it’s lovely to have a day off to get stuff done without my kid. I never feel burnt out from family life because I have a healthy balance of time for myself too.

Aside from myself, my daughter loves daycare. She always talks about her friends, and how she can’t wait to see her teachers. When we had a birthday party for her this year, she was adamant that she wanted one of her teachers to come when I pick her up, one of the teachers she’s is super close with, gives her hugs and a kiss on the forehead. I’m glad my child has that safe space to interact with the world away from her home life. I also noticed the difference socially between kids that go to daycare, and ones that do not at her age. (Not saying this is always the case, but something I often see)

Sure, they’ll all end up just fine. But my daughter is taught a preschool curriculum & social habits/what’s appropriate from people other than our family. I just feel like it’s given her a head start.

I think a big factor to think about is: is it worth the money? I know my sanity is worth the money. I’m a better mom when I have a break. I’m not into spending all day teaching my child age appropriate things, and I wouldn’t be happy giving up my career to be a stay at home mom. I took a year off when I had my daughter, and by the end of it I needed a different kind of mental stimulation. I was so depressed. Being a stay at home mom is hard & you get 0 breaks.

Ultimately there is not right or wrong answer. Just what helps your family get through the day. If everyone is happy there is no harm is doing what you’re doing!

 

[mikey124]

@fab01 No one here is talking about the immunity development of daycare (and other peer activities). My elementary aged twins are missing school, at least a few days at a time, each, every few weeks. (They have the asthma type response to colds and flu, so need breathing treatments for every cough.) they didn’t get the daycare/preschool experience that their older sister did, (because covid) and missed out on all those germs. So we’re doing it now in first grade, and last year in kindergarten.

You will be home with sick kids, as soon as they are exposed to more people with more germs. You might consider, when that would work best for your family. Just another factor for your decision.

 

[fab01]

@mikey124 Someone mentioned that to me and it really made me question how I’d even get to have a work experience because I’d either be home with sick kids or sick myself

 

[rahmemhotep]

@mikey124 That's an excellent point! I'm so glad that we are going through this now instead of when our kids are in elementary school. I have far more flexibility now than I will have in the future. It sucks when our kid is sick, but it's worth it to build up that immunity.

 

[orchardllc]

@fab01 My 11-month girls are not in daycare. My husband and I both work 32 hours/week in the medical field, so childcare is split between the two of us and then his MIL 2-3 days/week. For us it's a great balance of being home and working. I am not particularly concerned about socialization quite yet (they're still so little!) - but I have a few groups of family and friends with kids around the same age, so I'm hoping that suffices until the preschool years.

I did also appreciate my preemies being home during this crazy RSV season, although I'm well aware they will get sick at one time or another.

I think no daycare was the right choice for us, but I'm sometimes damn jealous of my mom friends who take an occasional day off and get some time to themselves (even if it's just errands) while the baby is at daycare. So that's something to consider. But I guess at this stage in their life I don't feel like they're missing out by staying at home.

 

[stephknce]

@fab01 We’re not doing daycare. Same reason- too expensive. It’s making more financial sense for my spouse to stay at home with our twins. They go to preschool very part time for the experience/socialization (2.5 hour classes, just twice a week) but that is just a fun bonus. Ours just turned three and I DEFINITELY don’t regret not schlepping them to full time daycare. I’m trying to word this carefully so as not to piss anyone off- but we really love that they’re being cared for thus far by family. They’re only little for so long. I’m happy my husband is getting to experience these special years, and is willing to do it, because it’s a huge mental shift to go from full time career work to hanging out with babies-then-toddlers full time. I’m very aware that he’s putting his career on hold right now, and probably his sanity too. But frankly these children were VERY intentional (lots of IVF) and we wanted one of us to be there for these early years. That being said!!!! If it makes more sense for anyone to get their kids into daycare for their situation, especially mental health, DO IT. Do whatever YOU need. I don’t think I could be a full time SAHP. My husband can and is doing it so this is what is working well for us.

 

[marydenly]

@fab01 We were negative income due to daycare for about 2 years (twin infants and a 3 year old at the same time). Aside from the quality of activities at their daycare being frankly....better than I can do, we both recognized that taking 2+ years off to be at home with the kids would sink either of our careers. I'll also freely admit, by Sunday afternoon with my partner working the entire weekend, I'm ready to send the kids back to daycare come Monday morning, lol. 3 against 1 plus the age gap between the single & twins makes for a really freaking long day.

 

[nitrolisis]

@fab01 I feel like too often mothers put themselves last on the list of priorities. It makes more immediate financial sense for me to stay at home with my kids (long term not so much, I couldn’t take 4 years out and it not impact my career) but I love my job and my kids will have a healthier happier parent with me working 4 days a week. It’s not always just about them but taking a more holistic approach - what will work for you?

 

[fab01]

@nitrolisis Right ! That’s in the back of my mind but coming to the forefront as I consider all the pieces here. There’s also home day care and nannies to consider too but I’m fueled by “what is best?” For everyone, more so them than me, and what if I choose the place that doesn’t treat my kids well or the person with something on their background that was missed. And really, I can’t say I’d feel better about if my entire paycheck just went to child care and I struggle with that mentally too. Like shouldn’t I be thinking about them and how enriching that could be instead of the fact that my paycheck wouldn’t even cover the cost of them to go to daycare so I can do the job ?(its not a high end job so trying to give it worth is a little hard).

Part of me is trying to rationalize too that people always say time flies and it’s kind of true. They’re about to be two and we can basically apply for pre k next year and they’ll go into it the following. Given that my career field is pretty low key, can I make it another two years and jump in then?

 

[nitrolisis]

@fab01 I think your first question should be 'what do I want?' that will inform a lot of what happens next. If the answer is: I want to work, or I want a life outside of being a mom then there is value beyond the salary you earn in working. If the answer is: I want my children to have an enriching home life then you'll still be working at a loss (the cost of activities plus not bringing in an income plus working around the clock doesn't equal free) but you might feel that you are happier being with the kids and you won't be unhappy at work whilst being away from them.

If you put yourself and your wants and needs first. you'll probably get the right outcome! Your children will be fine, whether you're at work or at home with them. Daycare will have advantages, staying at home will have advantages, both have disadvantages. For us - daycare was without a shadow of a doubt the right option, I would be a terrible, miserable SAHM, but I know that some people thrive in that situation. No one is an expert in anything other than bringing up their own children. Certainly no one can tell you that just because they love being a SAHM then you will (or should) too. There is no superior option.

 

[hilbrand]

@fab01 You don't mention what your job is.
I think for me that might be a deciding factor.

That said, if we could financially swing it, I would be a SAHM

 

[fab01]

@hilbrand Currently I’m a remote personal trainer but have the opportunity to do in person training at a local gym that I’m very familiar with. It would be a chance to help them out and build my knowledge base. The pay isn’t anything insane though so I wouldn’t make enough to cover the child care aspect even for a part time basis .

Being a sahm isn’t bad but I do wish I had more exposure with other people and experiences. Many people have talked about structure at home and it sounds like I need to do some searching because we’ve gotten pretty used to our routine but it usually involves blocks, cars, ms Rachel, and going out side to our back yard to run around. A lot of that has to do with the colder season though so I’m hoping to have some more interaction too

 

[hilbrand]

@fab01 Depending on what exactly they wanted, you might be able to find a local college kid type for 15 hours or so/ have your spouse go in to work a little later. I feel like personal training is often at kind of weird hours so you might be able to make that work as a family. (Maybe do 6:00 to 10 am).

I think a lot of this went away at the pandemic, but my recollection is that there were some fancy gyms that offered child care. If the child care was cheaper than your paycheck, that might be another way to grab some business)

Since you said personal training, have you heard of something like this. https://fit4mom.com/locations

You might be able to teach a class like this and leverage your stay at home Mom exercise into a different part-time job.

 

[khcrocker]

@fab01 I stayed home with my twins. They’re 3 1/2 now and will be in pk4 this fall. It didn’t make sense financially for me to keep working. BUT I will say staying home is HARD. I actually think working is easier, but I would still rather be home with my babies because it goes so fast. Also, I think being multiples, they are super socialized and you don’t have to worry about that.

 

[fab01]

@khcrocker How did you/do you keep them busy and learning?

 

[khcrocker]

@fab01 We have a Lovevery subscription, which I love. I will say that we have a lot of toys because my kids are the first and last grandchildren on both my side and my husband’s. But we definitely try to focus on Montessori inspired toys rather than Fisher Price ones or whatever. We also do some screen time, but make sure it’s quality content (Sesame St, Bluey, Tumble Leaf…). We also have lots of different building toys (wood blocks, Picasso tiles, train tracks…). You can also do a lot of art/craft projects and just drawing on a huge roll of paper. My twins also really do play together a lot. Oh and we love our Nugget. They’re big climbers and fort builders.

 

[tieutien]

@fab01 Whatever works best for your family is the right choice! We were very lucky to find a daycare that offers part time scheduling as we definitely couldn’t afford full time right now. Luckily I work 4 days a week and my husband is with them some of the time too as he’s only working part time and looking for a job. Hopefully when he gets a full time job it will cover the extra day. It has been hard with all the illnesses but they do really love going and it’s nice to get the mental and physical break from parenting and just work. There would really be no way to cover our bills if either of us completely quit working to stay home so that’s how we decided. Sometimes I’m sad about missing them but most of the time I am happy with our decision. On the other hand I went for a very brief time to an in home daycare as a toddler when my mom had a job for a little while but until kindergarten I stayed home. I never even went to pre k and I turned out fine. I don’t think you are doing them a disservice keeping them home if that’s what you guys need to do financially. I’m sure they love being with you! And if you get the opportunity to go work and do something that gives you confidence and self worth that’s amazing too!

 

[gladysbrierley]

@fab01 Dont feel guilty. Having twins means built in feedback for them ie socialization. Mine are almost 15 months and we stay home for now due to how stupid expensive daycare is where I live. Both of my twins are ahead on milestones. I do a lot for them though, an example is I watch 20 minutes of Ms Rachel myself and apply that for 20 minutes to them, do learning activities suggested by pathways.com and their Dad and I switch off doing dinners and bed so its not always me they are staring at. Also my Mom comes and helps me for a few days (paid) so they get multi generational exposure.

If you decided not to do daycare, it wont stunt their development.

 

[fab01]

@gladysbrierley Oh thank you for providing that site.

Currently we do breakfast , free play, 1h Rachel together (20 min i do spend doing a chores though) then free play until lunch, nap, and sort of repeat the same in the afternoon.

I didn’t intend to do as much Rachel but they love it and have Learned quite a bit from it . I’d love to lessen it a little and do more though so I’ll check out the site

 

[gladysbrierley]

@fab01 Thats a great schedule! I am sure you incorporate more too weather permitting. Honestly just taking my twins to the grocery store stimulates them and we make it a game of "how many smiles" as far as how many smiles can we give and get just silly stuff like that

dont feel guilty

pathways gave me a ton of practical ideas, I hope you get the same

we are so lucky they have a built in playmate and lil face to see and sibling to cuddle

I know daycare has its perks and I saw someone else comment on that it affirms a schedule / routine / predicability and I kinda agree its just that for them, and its an option some people have, we never had that option so...I don't like thinking or being told daycare enriches little lives and those who go without it are some how lacking

you (our) best is good enough!