@roseforchrist I really hear you about doing it without help and doing what you know is right for you and your mental health! You absolutely should stick with your one and done plans. Sounds like time to firmly tell your friend to drop it.
But I also want to say your comment about your dad "refusing" to help... It's awesome when family helps out, but they don't owe it to you. It is a legit to have spent two decades raising kids and not want to do more childcare after! And do all the things that were put aside while focusing on kids! Family helping is a wonderful gift, not an obligation he's letting you down on IMO.
@sharpsolaris I realise how entitled I sound about my dad and wishing he’d help more. My issue with him is that he heavily relied on my grandparents for childcare and support. He had my grandmother take care of us, clean his house and make his meals for him. He even had me and my brothers spend summers with her because he went to Thailand for 3 weeks.
He outright refuses to help us at all. So I feel like he’s being a little unfair in getting lots of help raising his kids but refusing to help us. I didn’t have a baby expecting others to raise him, but some support would’ve been nice.
@roseforchrist I hear you. You're in a tough spot and he was a lot more fortunate about getting help. But your grandparents got to make their choice about how to spend their time and energy. Your dad also gets to make his own choice.
It's tough because you shouldn't have to do it alone. One of the things I find very tough is that in some universal way we all deserve support and care and help. But that doesn't mean any individual person owes us those things.
@sharpsolaris As a parent, I definitely think I owe my daughter some help when the time comes. Put the need for a break aside, it’s a really hurtful thing to do to your kid. Did you really dislike raising them THAT much?
@eagerbeaver Of course it’s great for grandparents to offer help… if they want to! But they are also their have their own full lives, their own goals, their own things they want to do, and they are not obligated to give any of that up to help with childcare on the regular. Ultimately, when you have a kid, it’s your kid and no one besides their other parent owes you childcare.
Someone’s parents (and now their kids’ grandparents) may have loved raising kids AND just be in a different part of their life where they don’t want to caretake for young children. My mom for example really loved having babies and young kids. She even worked in a kindergarten when I was young. And now she is really enjoying not having young kids, not caretaking for anyone, getting to put herself first and enjoy all her weekend hobbies, travel, etc. I say good for her.
Your daughter will be lucky to have your help but people who do it differently aren’t necessarily heartless jerks. It’s a big world.
@sharpsolaris I think it’s okay because you’re okay. Also, is it no child care for you? Not even a few hours once or twice a year? I get not often because you don’t like it, but never? Sorry that’s selfish
@sharpsolaris got it. Yeah, we definitely see things differently. I would say plan on being there for your kid some in adulthood and that includes that you might occasionally (like once or twice a year) spend a few hours watching a baby. Or advocate for better support for moms in society so your not necessary by then.
@sharpsolaris But he owes it to his grandson to at least visit him. Doesn't want to help, fine. But he never visits him and we live a 10 minute drive away. It's not just about help, it's about me wanting him to have a relationship with his grandson, like I had with my grandparents.
@sharpsolaris I have to disagree with the parents don't owe their children anything. Parents owe their children everything. As parents age, their children are going to be the main people they want to depend on to help them when they're old. When a person receives help from their parents with their children, it is that person's responsibility to pay it forward to the next generation. That's what it means by it takes a village to raise a child. That's what it means by having a strong community. That's what means by having a strong family. We are not supposed to be so freaking selfish and not help the upcoming generations with their children especially when we know how hard it is to raise a child. You cannot be an elder and think that you no longer have to contribute to society.
@sharpsolaris Imo you do owe your adult children some childcare especially if you expect those adult children to care for you once you become to old to care for yourself. That's what being a part of a family is.
@sharpsolaris Also, I'm not saying regular childcare but support when your adult child needs it. No the grandparents should not be the parents, but they should give help when it is needed.
@roseforchrist So she’s volunteering to research, interview, get on the waitlist, and pay for daycare? Ask her that next time she brings this up.
Oh and when there’s a COVID scare at the daycare, she’s volunteering to watch your son until the test result comes back and the symptoms subside? The average sniffle in our house means 4 days out of school, for which we have only recently found a baby sitter who can help some of that time.
@stronglady She doesn’t want to do daycare. She wants a big family and to be a stay at home mum. She’s also not happy I don’t breast feed and occasionally stick my son in his bouncer with the TV on for 10 mins as I need to take a call with a client or do something for work that requires my full attention.
Unfortunately I lost my job during covid and now freelance. Not everyone can afford/wants to be a SAHM, but she’s insisting she won’t work while she has her kids.
@roseforchrist Oh, I meant, her comments on your family size must indicate she’s volunteering to pony up for daycare for your firstborn. A bit catty sorry.
@roseforchrist I think… she is majorly projecting and trying to live vicariously through you, so if your choices differ, she is angry with you. She’s being ridiculous and I’m sorry you’re made to feel this way. I wonder if you can distance from her, if you’ve told her how you feel and she still doesn’t get it/ want to change. She’s not being a best friend to you and I would put her on an information diet - tell her less and she will have less to criticize you about. Hugs to you. It’s sad to have to distance yourself but honestly, I’m not sure what friendship is this at this point in time if she keeps scolding you.
@roseforchrist Glad you ar comfortable in your choice. I feel the same way.
My son is two and while we didn't originally plan to be one and done, we are and it's blissful. I absolutely love being a happy tripod.
My husband has had a vasectomy and sometimes when someone pushes the subject I will say something to the effect of, "It's a done deal, my husband has had a vasectomy," and they have literally said shit like "oh, well those can e undone sometimes." That conversation has happened basically the same way twice, two different individuals! JUST GIVE IT UP, PEOPLE. lol.
@roseforchrist Change the subject when your friend brings this up, every time. You get to choose how many kids you have. You also get to choose whether or not you engage with that person’s statements and let them affect you.
If your friend is truly pushing this topic and will not respect your OAD stance, you need to lay down some serious boundaries. "I value your friendship, but this is mine and hubby's family to raise and I've told you how I feel. Please don't bring this up again."
If she brings it up again, take a break from the friendship. She is projecting onto you because she wants a baby RIGHT NOW and her husband is saying no.
got it. Yeah, we definitely see things differently. I would say plan on being there for your kid some in adulthood and that includes that you might occasionally (like once or twice a year) spend a few hours watching a baby. Or advocate for better support for moms in society so your not necessary by then.