Childless friend keeps telling me I’ll regret not having two

@fighttheflesh I wanted four before having my little duck. I’m sitting on the fence but I’m pretty sure one and done. Absolutely no more than 2 if we do another one. But tell her to make that judgement after she has her first. Reality has a way of kickin ppl in the teeth
 
@roseforchrist I’m so sorry she’s doing this - it is tremendously unkind.

To be honest my first thought is to tell her she’ll regret not having a baby sooner and see how she likes it, but that’s not the kind of person I would want to be, so I won’t suggest it to you.

I would honestly just tell her how it makes you feel. “I feel really judged by you every time we have this conversation, I’m going to do my best to make the right decisions for my family - just like you’ll try to make the best for yours. I really need you to support me. Maybe I’ll change my mind, maybe I won’t, but this pressure doesn’t feel like friendship.”

I think that sometimes people who pressure for two think it’s what YOU want and they just need to help you solve for the reasons why you don’t want two, and they just need it spelled out.

Regardless, I’m sorry this is happening. I think it’s really messed up of her to say things like that.
 
@calpastor Her husband actually defends me and tells her to stop. I think she’s so desperate for a baby she doesn’t realise how strained she’s making me feel. I just feel like no one is really getting how tough it is. I don’t regret my son - I want to make that clear I absolutely adore him - but it’s been so hard.
 
@roseforchrist I’m so sorry - that must feel doubly isolating. I would stop arguing the point with her and just be very clear next time she says something, “it’s not in the cards right now, and this attitude is so extremely hurtful.”

Sometimes people just need their bad behavior pointed out.
 
@calpastor She actually does keep saying she wants a baby sooner rather than later (she knows we've had trouble with an ectopic and miscarriages so I know thats also spooked her)

I have explained to her, and to her husband who is far more understanding, how its not right for us. But this appears to be her hill to die on. One minute a 4 year age gap is fine, then suddenly we should consider after 2 years instead as thats better. She also was insistant I should breastfeed, despite me repeatedly saying I didn't want to as I couldn't cope with the added pressure. At the end of the day, my son needs a mum who has a happier and clearer head so he can have the best childhood possible.
 
@roseforchrist I think the problem is you seem to keep explaining her decisions to her as if you need her approval. She doesn’t get a vote, her husband doesn’t either, I would stop giving any reason for my decisions, and I would change the subject as soon as she brings it up.

“You really need to have another!”

“We’re not going to, how was your weekend?”

“But you have to!”

“Oh sorry, I know we’ve discussed this in the past and I’ve given you the impression that I want your opinion here. I don’t, we’re not having another.”
 
@roseforchrist “I would honestly rather live in regret of not having two than have my son watch his mother fall apart in front him.”

This 100%. Every time I think “well maybe…” I remind myself there are no guarantees what the second would be like. The first was hard enough and I would rather prioritize my mental health and my family’s wellbeing than add a second to the mix and risk it. I’d rather regret not having a second than regret having a second.
 
@saara This.

Sure if I could guarantee an easy pregnancy, and the delivery I wanted, and a baby that sleeps through the night after 3 months, and that my children would be best buds, and that my son would take to being a big brother and love it, I could see enjoying another child!

But it could be just as likely (if not more) that I would get the opposite of all of those.
 
@saara me too! all of this. i have longings from time to time but knowing how badly i struggled, i don’t think it would be fair to the lovely family and husband i do have now.
 
@roseforchrist Tell her that you won’t keep discussing this with her and that her comments are hurtful. I also went through this with a childless friend and they have stopped comments (for now) after I said this. If she doesn’t listen, consider distancing yourself from her. It’s a hard line but friends must respect boundaries.
 
@roseforchrist She is projecting on to you, for you think? She's unhappy.

She will also most likely change her mind or be much more reasonable after she has actually had a baby. No advice I'm afraid, but solidarity that others can just never respect a woman's choice over what her own fucking body has to go through.
 
@ioshva I agree that the friend sounds very unhappy especially when you consider the whole “can’t have kids for two more years according to her husbands plan” thing. She is absolutely projecting.
 
@ioshva I agree she's projecting. Maybe OP could say something along the lines of - you might regret it if you only have one, but I am sure that I won't regret having one
 
@roseforchrist I have a fencesitter childfree friend like this as well. She is unsure if she wants kids and I've been so supportive - telling her that it is totally cool not to have kids and she definitely should not do it if she isn't 100% certain.

So I was shocked when I told her we were considering only having our one and she immediately replied that we should of course have a 2nd. Part of me can understand, before I had my one, I thought without a doubt I would have 2 kids, but I still felt a little unsupported.

Doesn't change the fact that my husband doesn't want another kid right now or that as much as I love being a mom that I also love having a life outside of "mom!"
 
@roseforchrist My answer to this is, “ok, so?” If I didn’t ask, my regrets are my business. And I’d rather regret having only one than regret having two.

I have a friend with like 8 siblings and her mom “regrets” not having more (as in, she would have liked to have more babies). Should she have had 10? 11? At what point are our wishes and fantasies less important than our existing obligations and what we can feasibly manage?
 
@roseforchrist Just gonna throw it out there. My wife and I have one. She is 12. We regret nothing.

The correct response is, "No, you would have regretted only having one. What if I had told you 'you'll regret having a second child' ? Would that have changed how you feel?"

People don't understand that their experience is not yours and their desires may differ from yours. Don't sweat it. Teach 'em some empathy. Follow your own path.

Cheers!
 
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