Can anyone else relate?

[jlhargus]

Hi! I am 28(f) and my husband is 31(m). We have been together for 9 years in June. We have been married since April 2021. For longer than I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mother, but timing was not right at the beginning of our marriage due to job transitions, etc…
Our goal is to begin TTC this summer (June-September). I am educator, so it is really important for my pregnancy to line up with summer break to get ample time with my baby. l’ve had a very trying day. Not only are several people I look up to are pregnant and due soon, but two more women in my life just announced they are pregnant. I am so thrilled for them, it makes me want to cry. I get super emotional when I see announcements. It is like I am grieving something that hasn’t even happened to me good or bad. My heart aches for a child of my own. I just want that joy and experience for my husband and I so badly. I know the right thing to do is keep my eye on our timeline and look forward to that, but it is really difficult. Any suggestions?

 

[alfaofbetas]

@jlhargus The thing I've found that helps is concrete, physical steps. For example:
- have a pre natal appointment with your doctor to discuss pregnancy and go over anything of concern eg iron levels
- start prenatal vitamins
- eat healthy foods, exercise
- decluttering the house
- deep cleaning
- get finances under control
- organising life admin (eg wills)

I have found online research and googling things was not productive at all. It exacerbated the feeling of helplessness and made me feel worse. Physical actions are needed to clear the stress out and make everything feel real and possible.

 

[jlhargus]

@alfaofbetas Thank you so much! Those are exactly the steps we have taken though and so it is literally just a waiting game now due to work. Our finances our very healthy and we are well prepared. Our home is organized and almost ready, we are making adjustments in our home that we know we will need to have to be ready for baby. We deep clean regularly and try to tackle different deep cleaning items each weekend. I have an OBGYN apt scheduled for April. However, we do need to get a will made. So that is something to start focusing on! Thank you!!

 

[alfaofbetas]

@jlhargus No worries. If you're the creative type I have found making things extremely helpful, like baby clothes and quilts. So far I have only made them for others but I see it as getting up my skills for my own baby (and I'm keeping my favourite fabric for myself). It really gets the stress out and helps me feel like I'm mothering.

 

[jlhargus]

@alfaofbetas Yes!! I totally am. I have been learning to make bread and have been listening to audio books a lot to keep my mind busy but also at peace. I’m a needle pointer. Once I am finished with the project im on now my goal is to being a stocking for baby.

 

[lindalouie]

@jlhargus I'd also recommend term life insurance (in addition to the will). You could probably get a million dollar policy for like $30-40/month (speaking from being also 28F and having gone through the process recently).

 

[jlhargus]

@lindalouie Thank you! I’ll add to the list. Did you by chance get hospital insurance or used short term disability while pregnant?

 

[lindalouie]

@jlhargus Haven't been yet (still waiting!) but good question for me to think about too

 

[rightway2truth]

@jlhargus I relate 100%! I’m also an educator so our timeline is about lined up with yours. Sooo many pregnancy announcements lately and while I’m happy it’s a little heartbreaking somehow and I feel bad for feeling that way.

Things that have helped me:
* starting prenatal vitamins
* getting into an exercise routine
* getting into the habit of drinking enough water every day
* making an Amazon wishlist (private) of baby stuff!
* crocheting a baby blanket and hat

 

[jlhargus]

@rightway2truth Thanks for this! I need to start up a Prenatal. I am planning to use Ritualt but do you have other suggestions? I have started drinking more ware with this brand called Better Days. It is a powder that ensures you are getting all of your daily greens. You should check it out. I’m in a good routine of working out regularly (Pilates, waking and running). I have a private Amazon baby list. I should definitely try to get back into crocheting. Thanks for the suggestions!!!

 

[rightway2truth]

@jlhargus Ooo thank you for the greens suggestion, looking into that now! I’m using the brand SmartyPants because I need methylated folate, but I’ve heard good things about Pink Stork and Thorne too. I’ve also made a couple of Pinterest boards, some for nursery some for older kid things like bday party ideas and sensory activities. It’s just fun to think about

 

[jlhargus]

@rightway2truth Thank you for your vitamin recommendations! I’ll check those brands out tonight. I eat very healthy but it never hurts to have more greens, especially when I am bad at drinking water and better at drinking powder alternatives with low sugar. I also have several Pinterest boards for those items!!! It is the BEST thinking forward to those special moments! I also stay very open with my husband about how I am feeling and it helps.

 

[jlhargus]

@rightway2truth Also, side note.. are you loving teaching or would you ever consider being a STAHM for the first few years with your baby?

 

[rightway2truth]

@jlhargus I teach at the university level so it would be nearly impossible to get a tenure track job again if I took a few years off. Fortunately I do love it though.

 

[coryj]

@jlhargus Also a teacher. Also tried for this last June - September for an April baby to get the most out of baby time. Married 6 years, together 10. 30 years old. Also not pregnant with 2 coworkers now due in April. I understand the feeling I’m sorry you’re going through it too. I don’t know how to feel better about it but I hope you do soon.

 

[jlhargus]

@coryj Oh goodness. I am so sorry! I’m sending all positive energy to you and your spouse this coming June-September. If you don’t mind me asking, did you all decide to stop trying after September and just wait until next June? Would you try for another time frame if you had to?

 

[coryj]

@jlhargus We stopped trying this month because I may not be getting rehired this fall. So I’d like to think it all worked out.

If the job security was fine, I would have kept trying after next month. I really didn’t wanna be pregnant or with a new born for the holidays - nothing about that sounded fun. Otherwise, my husband and I sat down and had a good talk about if he would be willing to take a leave from his work or reduce his hours to be the child care when I went back until summer break. We thought that is he did that, we wouldn’t have to find childcare right away but only for a few months to not use it all summer. He was willing to do that, so we decided to keep trying. After months of trying, I found out his mom had fertility issues so I have it in my head we may need help, so I decided to sacrifice my time with baby in order to get help and have two kids before we are in our mid thirties (just something we wanted).

 

[jlhargus]

@coryj Thank you for sharing our experience. I truly believe that everything works out it for the best when we do stop and listen. The sacrifice you’re making now will be worth it later. I pray that everything works out with your job. I have been through that with teaching too and it can be very difficult and worrisome not knowing what lies ahead. Are you and your spouse in a position for you to stay home temporarily with the baby? Part of me yearns for the experience of being home with my baby but I know financially it would be better to have two incomes supporting the family.

 

[jlhargus]

@coryj Also, side note.. are you loving teaching or would you ever consider being a STAHM for the first few years with your baby?

 

[coryj]

@jlhargus We get housing because of my job so I would have to shift where I teach in order to consider it. With the shift of jobs possibly coming, we might shift to do that so I can make the choice when needed. But it’s not an option right now. And I’d be bored - I love the chaos that is teaching.