"Call mum and ask her to send me to foster parents", "she's a b***h that should die already" - What can I do as big sis?

[lemuil]

Quick disclaimer that I am not a parent; I'm 20F and my post is regarding two younger siblings (10 and 11)

I'm hoping you can help me, r/AskParents

I'm an older sister to my two younger sisters, aged 10 and 11. I do not live with them, and haven't lived with them in just over 2 years now. I moved out because my parents aren't the best, and my mental health was suffering due to the environment I was growing up in. The house is constant yelling, throwing things, swearing, etc. Around age 12 I admitted to my mum that I was feeling depressed and really struggling with school/moving/making friends, etc, and I was interested in talking to a professional (like a social worker or counselor) about it - her response was to tell me that I was being ridiculous and too young to think things like that.

This post is mainly focused around the older of my two younger siblings. She's fairly open with me as far as her feelings go - telling me how she wants to die, hates her life, has no friends. I also have access to her icloud which has screenshots of pages showing 'how to lose weight', 'how to stop eating' while she has hyperthyroid and is already very skinny for her age. Needless to say, I am concerned. My mum does not share the same concerns.

My mum and this sibling go at it all the time. Due to quarantine and the job I do, I do not go into the house to visit them, but I have stopped by (I live an hour away) to say hello from across the backyard. Since COVID-19, this sibling has become increasingly more frustrated with my mum (and dad a bit, but mostly mum) which is somewhat understandable. My mum is not great at diffusing situations; she'll usually add more fuel to the fire until sibling phones me in tears.

I'm so lost on what to do. I can't really take her anywhere because of quarantine (we live in Ontario Canada, just for reference at what stage of lockdown we're at). I'm also planning on going on a 3 month long vacation to another country (was supposed to be this summer, but won't be happening). I just want to know what to do right now and what I can do when I'm not around.

I'm really scared to leave the country and go on a plane for 15 hours when she can't contact me. Or generally be somewhere I can't help her or something like that. My mum has picked her up by the neck as a toddler, my parents throw things when they argue, the house is dirty and smells of weed (it's legal though), the kids do not bathe often enough. I'm just worried and I feel stuck.

I've considered:

• Authorizing her on my lowest limit credit card and telling her she can use it for emergencies (e.g. taking a taxi to our grandma's house, friend's house) but I don't like this idea because it may encourage her to run off
• Buying her an emergency cell phone because I am really scared she's going to run away, and I'd rather her have something she could contact me on for help if she did do that
• Setting up an uber account with one of my credit cards on it and giving her access (but again, I'm worried that she may feel encouraged to run off).

 

[joan_the_warrior]

@lemuil She is in an abusive situation. They both are. She is communicating thoughts of self harm. You need to contact Children's Services. Professionals need to be involved. I am sure that seems terrible and it feels like you can try to manage the situation but you can't. And it really sounds like you could use some support too...for the past abuse and the present, very justified, anxiety. You are a very good person and you are working hard for your siblings...and now you need help. Good luck.

 

[lemuil]

@joan_the_warrior I tried to get professionals involved and it made it much much worse for them. They did a house checkup once and it made it living hell. Tried to get another family member involved who I thought I could trust but she was not much help. I tried to phone doctor's office to have her speak to a counselor, but they said they would not see her without a signed form of consent from her parent, so my mum found out about that as well.

Every avenue I keep taking is making it worse and worse and I do not know what to do.

 

[joan_the_warrior]

@lemuil You must be super stressed! I am so sorry. The thing about folks like your mom is that they can always go louder, meaner, more terrible than you. It is their form of control. You try a thing and they make it AWFUL. So it becomes very difficult to try another thing. And you are eating your own soul trying to do good. But you are also a product of the abuse. And have suffered trauma. All I can suggest is that you try again. Write it all out, every awful, troubling thing, include your sister's texts and contact info. Include anything that happened to you and everything that became worse when you tried before. Then get the schools and Children's Services to listen to you. Get loud, get annoying, get rude. They have legal responsibilities. And try to get help for your own wounds. You may be able to accomplish something right now and you might not. But your sibs will see you trying and that matters. And you will know you tried and that will matter to you in the future. And you never know which effort will have an effect. Finally, you can give yourself permission to not deal directly with your mother. I really hope things get better.

 

[raykay]

@joan_the_warrior This. If you're thinking she needs a credit card and a cell phone and access to Uber, but you're not encouraging her to run away, what are you expecting of her? She's asked you to call child protection for her. Do that.

 

[lemuil]

@raykay I responded to another comment and I do not know what to do or what to expect.

 

[salkz]

@lemuil If you have the ability- would your parents allow the older of your siblings to live with you for a short time and see if its healthier for her? I'm moving into my own apartment with my bf soon and we've already agreed to have space set aside for my siblings should they need space away from our parents (who are mostly neglectful but sometimes blow up when they're upset about other things) including a small storage bin for each kid they can put clothes in and buying a fold out bed with sheets and pillows for overnight visits. My parents wouldn't throw a fit over a visit to me because its a reprieve for them to do "less" parenting but if your parents think your trying to take their kids they could freak. Im sorry you're experiencing this.

The best sibling to sibling advice i can give you is to reassure your sister she's good just the way she is and that no matter what anyone says she's beautiful to you. They'll think your cheesy AF but I know it helps to get compliments from people you know love you when your parents insult you or make you think you're lesser.

 

[lemuil]

@salkz I did consider this but one of my siblings is high-risk for coronavirus and I see 600+ people per day - I really do not want to give it to her. I also currently live with my boyfriend in his family's basement, so the house is very full with 8 people (including me) living in it. It isn't doable at the moment, unfortunately.

My parents would be the same way; wouldn't mind if I took the kids for a bit, but if they thought I was trying to take the kids then they'd lose their minds.

The other bit of my post is that I'm not planning on signing a lease anywhere here because I won't be in the country (or planning on not being on the country, but who knows how that'll go) for a bit. I've also had a reduction in hours so I can't really afford a move at the moment.

I appreciate all the advice though, especially the reassurance which she will definitely think is super cheesy but I'm sure she'll appreciate.

 

[salkz]

@lemuil Good luck with the cheesy lines and I hope your trip out of country is good. Does she have a snapchat she can use to text you when you leave? Whenever I go on weekend trips it really reassures me they can text me from wherever even if they don't have data or send me snaps to show me how they're doing. Then again, even my parents refer to me as "the third parent" so maybe I'm a little anxious when we're separated.