Should I call CPS on my best friend (who's a single parent)?

[awesome777yay]

@crownedforgiven I very recently moved out of the state so I'm not sure how that would pan out. Also, I don't completely have my tihs together either (not in a bad way though). I'm just not in a position to be a full-time carer of dependents. I don't even have pets.

 

[metalheadkara]

@awesome777yay Yes. Yes you should. The childhoods of her children are more important than anything else.

 

[heavensvoice]

@awesome777yay There’s nothing CPS can do to help this situation. They can suggest therapy but that’s about it unless she’s open to them helping her with resources, which it sounds like she’s not.

Calling them will just put her on their radar.

To be fair to your friend toddlers are exhausting. No one with a 1 year old or 3 year old has a perfect house. Mid day most houses with kids that age look trashed. You have no idea what’s happened all morning or after you leave, and that behaviour would be normal from kids who aren’t being ignored too. Kids always want attention from whoever is over and they usually don’t want them to leave.

Your friend is also stuck in kid-mode all day so it’s also pretty normal that when given the chance to talk to an adult she wants to talk about adult things.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t be worried, or that your friend sound like she has her shit 100% together. It sounds like she’s having a really hard time. That’s really normal after going through the trauma of abuse, and then the trauma of becoming an impoverished single mom. She sounds like she’s drowning and right now the only solution is to find a man to save her.

All you can do is be there for her. Keep an eye out to make sure things aren’t getting worse. Maybe instead of dropping by with gifts drop by with some cereal or frozen pizzas. If the house is getting out of control do some dishes or fold some laundry while you hang out.

 

[richbeloved]

@awesome777yay She’s your best friend and you can’t have a direct conversation w her?? Why not talk to her bc CPS can ruin people’s lives so do not make that option #1. Yea her behavior is disgusting but do you know CPS gets funding when placing kids into foster care? Often the kids are way way worse in foster for horrible reasons. Why would that be a consideration when you never even tried to talk instead?

 

[awesome777yay]

@richbeloved I've had many talks with her. I advised her to focus less on Tinder guys. I also cautioned her not to move too fast with online guys she hasn't met yet. She tells me she's in love and is absolutely sure he's the one (this has happened several times over the past two years). Then the guy leaves, she comes crying to me, I advise her to take a break from dating. She refuses. Rinse and repeat.

The only reason I'm asking whether or not to call CPS is because she hasn't taken any of my advice. Her priority continues to be finding a serious relationship. I also asked her if she's tried to speak with a counselor and she got defensive.

 

[choklitbean]

@awesome777yay Cps is not going to get her to take your advice, nor will it do anything to address her issues. It could make the lives of the kids worse, and definitely will worsen the mental health of your friend. Unfortunately there isn’t really an agency that exists to make people better parents. What can is support from friends/family/community. Your friend is an abuse survivor and sounds like she’s spinning out. If you’re concerned for the kids and her, find and build family/community sources of support. You, her parents, bd’s parents if they’re safe. The kids and your friend need support and care from family/village not strangers/foster care/separation. Cps will make everything worse and alienate you from being available to be someone steady for those kids while their mom is struggling.

 

[richbeloved]

Well it might have come off as an attack and in that case, we all get defensive. Instead of advice about moving too fast just say that you’re really worried about the kids. Ask why she feels she needs a guy to fix her situation and that you will help her instead. Tell her that eventually you may have to do what’s best for them but that’s the last solution. Say you’re being a true friend so cutting off people who care would be the worst thing and then you would have to make sure the kids are okay.
In other words, be up front and then call the family. The last solution is having the state potentially place the children in a worse position. But I get it, if you have done everything and have her ample warning while be supportive, you will then have to step it up.
I was a therapist for a facility where there was a large Medicaid population. You would be surprised about how many children and parents had their lives ruined. One foster home killed my client’s 9 month old, sexual abuse, etc

 

[jerfjerf]

@richbeloved I'm not surprised.

 

[carolcole]

@awesome777yay Hi single mom that is the same age as her. First off is it possible she has mental issues? Bipolar? PPD? My mother has mental issues and her house is filthy.
The abuse situation destroys a woman mental mind where they feel like they are worthless but still crave male attention. In a sense of “LOOK! You left but, someone still wants me.”
CPS is a system that is not good for the children as they could be separated , abused even more and who knows what else. I would suggest maybe have her join some parenting groups so she doesn’t feel so alone? Toddlers are the perfect age to go to the free group classes and meet some friends. Maybe take her kids 1-2 days a week for a few hours so maybe she can catch up on cleaning.
I hope it works out for her and the children!

 

[sergyi]

@carolcole PTSD from the abusive relationship…

 

[quenton]

@awesome777yay Call CPS. She has no qualities any decent man wants in a woman. It's only a matter of time before a pedophile finds her and she's so desperate and emotionally detached from her kids that she either wouldn't see it or wouldn't care if they're being molested.

 

[somesinner]

@awesome777yay I think yes because it would be a wake-up call for her. She sounds extremely depressed and cps could possibly help her with resources like child care so she can get some time to herself. She might be desperately searching for a partner bc single parenthood is scary to her. It is scary to raise kids alone. Cps may also help her with that and provide parenting classes. She doesn’t have to know that it was you who called and you can just deny it. You’re not doing anything wrong, you are being a good friend who cares about the well-being of this woman and her children. It seems like she needs community and support and doesn’t know where to find it outside of her codependency to men. It’s kind of terrifying that she is willing to move in with any man. There are predatory men out there looking for exactly this type of situation! Please call CPS! You are a good person for being concerned.

 

[123lx]

@awesome777yay Yes. Call.

 

[spongbob]

@awesome777yay Tbh, she’s most likely dealing with trauma and depression. Could CPS help with that? Yeah. Could they cause more harm than good? Yeah. It really depends on what the resources look like in your state and how well funded they are.

If there’s actual neglect and abuse going on then you have too. She can also call them on herself and ask for help. Again, could go HORRIBLY wrong just depends on a lot for factors. I’ve never seen a good outcome of having them involved but I’m sure people have had them.

What she needs is a way to heal, grow, and process all that hurt. She’s most likely just barely holding on, using dating apps to distract and fill that hole of loneliness and hurt. She needs family (chosen or otherwise) to step in and support them. That’s A LOT more than what most people are willing to do. She’s gotta get therapy, learn to parent better, and decompress all of the hurt that’s going on. If you’re willing and able to help with that then you should. If you’re not willing or able to, then maybe start reaching out to friends & family to help. Maybe that looks like taking the kids on the weekends, cooking some freezer meals, help with cleaning, homework, transportation to therapy appointments, etc. if you think you and your friends and family can do that better than some bureaucratic strangers then don’t call cps. There’s a reason why it takes a village to raise a children, it’s just as important for parents as it it for the kids.

Hope this helps and your friend gets what she needs to be the best parent she can be.

 

[katrina2017]

@awesome777yay Wow. That's really heavy. As far as calling CPS, I don't know, beucase the response she'd get could vary depending on the culture of the particular office that serves her location. She could get help and acces to services or they could ship the kids off the her abusive ex.

What she's doing with the dating thing is really concerning beucase it's a surefire way for her and her kids to end up back in an abusive household. Lots of predators out there looking for exactly the type of single mom she is.

I defitnelt second getting the grandparents and her extended family involved. Staging an intervention. I see these videos on social media about people who do hoarder and depression cleanups, maybe someone does that where you live?

 

[saminspires]

@awesome777yay How often do you visit her ? Going over to drop off gifts during holidays and bdays it’s not simply enough time for you to assume this is her 24/7.
Been a single parent of 2 is very very hard and been a victim of abuse makes it 1000 times harder.

Also why did you turn down giving her money ? Not saying you should but seen how involved u are in her life, why deny her help if you know she needs it.

How would involving CPS better the kids or your friend ?? Most of the time the physical and emotional abuse kids go through when put in the system is far greater than what they are experiencing at home.

It sounds to me like you are been a little harsh on your friend. Sit her down and have a talk with her . Come down with a plan and hold her accountable before you go the CPS route.

 

[nirelandgillian]

@saminspires No, she did the right thing. I was the child of a woman like OP’s friend. You’re defending a woman who told a child not right now because talking a stranger is more important that feeding your own child is important? And no, if she can’t money from the father, than she must not need it and no one else is responsible to give her money.

She’s not in the right headspace but someone else needs to get the kids away from her. Being around multiple men like damages kids emotionally and physically. This woman is an adult and no one can make her act like a parent. She is not going to find what she is loot for through a lecture. What she needs a dose of reality because these dating apps are a temporary fantasy, chasing empty promises with no guarantee. Kids need stability and they’re not going to get it from “not right now” when they’re being denied a basic human right, food.

 

[awesome777yay]

@nirelandgillian I'm sorry you had to experience that. If you don't mind me asking, how did that affect you growing up? What's your relationship with your mom like? You can private message me if you'd rather do that.

 

[nirelandgillian]

@awesome777yay It’s fine. It affects me till this day. I don’t trust people at all. I’m wary of people being nice as the only time my mother was nice was when she wanted money. I understand she was a hurt individual as her upbringing was full of neglect and abuse, like mine but her upbringing was 1960’s Mississippi. Her mother left her in foster care to chase men. I have no relationship with her as I enjoy peace and she only offers destruction. For long time I hated myself and thought if I tried harder maybe she would love, but she can’t even love herself. Each day gets better but I wonder how different my life could have been if she had a better upbringing.

ETA: I’m no contact and have been for years. I don’t hate her but she cannot be apart of my life. I’ve learned my wellbeing will come before her wanting to be in my life now.

 

[awesome777yay]

@saminspires I used to visit her often until recently when I moved out of state. Her and I still talk every week anywhere from 2-5 hours total. She updates me on everything. Sometimes I hear her kids in the background calling for her. I've sent her care packages and have bought food for her and her kids multiple times before recently moving. I also gave her information and resources to legal aid, food banks, etc. All she's been talking to me about lately is this guy from Tinder who's apparently on board with her and her kids moving in with him around May (even though they never met and are not even official). I've urged her to be careful but she never takes my advice at this point. She's really eager to be with someone, anyone really.