@laura100 I do not get the hype of the family name. It's just letters smashed together...
My husband's family on both sides are all named after someone (both first and middle), going back multiple generations. My husband himself is named after his maternal grandfather and his dad. My family is the exact opposite. Me and my siblings were given pretty common names but not named after anyone in the family, with weird middle names.
I wanted a unique but meaningful name for my child. Which we came up with. My son's middle name is the name of my husbands paternal grandfather whose no longer with us. It flowed really nicely with the first name we gave him and it was important to my husband. Now my husband's father was very clearly upset we didn't use his name. It's ridiculous! Someone is always gonna have a negative opinion.
@laura100 This is kind of a bugbear of mine, mostly because why should the parent who puts their body through pregnancy, birth and possibly breastfeeding be expected to call the resulting child the surname of the parent who doesn't do any of that? Why should the parent most likely to have majority or sole custody of a child if the relationship breaks down be the one who is inconvenienced by their child having their ex's surname?
But it's also annoying because whenever this subject comes up people act like the last 100yrs never happened and every baby born with a vagina and uterus will inevitably grow up to marry a man, change her surname to his and have children who also have his surname. That's such a narrow view. Examples off the top of my head:
women who choose never to marry and give their children their own surname, or hyphenated with a partner
women who choose never to have children
women who marry and keep their own surname which they pass to their children
women who marry and choose a hyphenated surname which they pass to their children
women who are single mothers either through choice or circumstance and so give their child their own surname
There's probably more but that's enough for one day lol rant over now.
@laura100 So I’m the first one in my family that purposely went OAD. I come from a long, long line of multiples. Grandma (p) had 5 siblings, grandma (m) had at least 4? My mom and dad both had a sibling. My dad and uncle had 2 kids each. My mom’s brother decided to unsubscribe so he doesn’t count.
My cousin had a baby but she couldn’t fall pregnant again and was devastated. My other cousin is, I’m pretty sure, asexual so he will bring no children into the world. My sister is a lesbian who abhors the idea of raising a baby. Meanwhile, here is me with my little hate potato totally happy to only ever have him.
To say that my family doesn’t understand why the heck I won’t have more is a bit of an understatement. That’s when I get really really graphic with them about pregnancy and my labor and go into explicit detail and go “would you want to do that for me? Because I don’t want to do it again.” And they usually drop it.
If you want to make it simpler you can just say:
If you want to rip your vagina open in front of strangers and shit on a table, be by guest. Ive been there, done that, and don’t feel a repeat. Thank god I’m the one who gets to decide that for my body.
@laura100 My mom is the same way. I’ve even said, if we even have another (very well may not) we would never have more than two. And she was so offended, as if I had insulted her choice to have three. And asked me “you can’t handle one?” Meanwhile I was in the throes of colic and PPD when she said this.
@laura100 Cut financial ties with any family members that will use this as leverage over you. This is life advice, but also for OAD it really isn’t healthy. Your body, your choice. I’m a man for full disclosure.
@laura100 You're always allowed to change your mind. I'm one of those women who didn't want kids until suddenly my body outright demanded it at 32.
For now, you are happy with your daughter. I found it easy to just tell people that I am trying/did try, and falter off as if it's a difficult conversation. Because it is and none of their business. You can always blame God like a good parent: you're just abiding by His plan. His time. Let your audience deal with that.
@laura100 We are in the same boat where both our families want another sibling and are strictly against OAD.
But my husband is nice he mentioned to me in very plain terms we are not some royalty that our bloodline needs to propagate through a son and genetically daughters carry more genes from father than mother. Till now nobody says it to us directly but they quietly show happiness seeing two siblings playing or getting weird toys like family of four cats puzzle.
So our boundaries with family are very strong and nobody will dare pressurise us.
But as a family me and my husband do wonder would it be nice to have a sibling for my kid as we are a bit older parents and I guess when she is in early adulthood we may be dead that’s the only bother nothing else but for a matter of fact second kid does bring in the factor of harmony and disharmony. Right now we are in complete harmony.
@laura100 My parents were OAD, I have my mom’s and my dad’s last names, married a woman(youngest of many siblings) and she took both of my last names. She said herself: “you are an only child, my brothers have already perpetuated my dad’s name enough, lets keep both of yours and I will drop mine” it does also help that I have cultural names while hers was super common.
@laura100 I kept my father’s name and so did my sister. Both of us have PhDs now. Many of my other PhD academic female friends not only kept their name but also passed it down to their male children.
@laura100 When I was pregnant with our son. my now-husband and I weren't married, yet, and my mom tried to push the idea to give our baby my family's last name since my brother and SIL had a girl (one and done, too). I shut that down real quick, though - no way I would have taken that away from my SO and who says that my niece won't keep her last name, anyway?
@laura100 My daughter is also five months old and we have talked about trying for a boy, but I realize it’s quite stupid to have a second just in hopes that it’s a boy. We literally invented our last name though… we both changed our last name to something new together, so it is kind of sad that it won’t be carried on, but, oh well I’ll be dead anyways, and maybe my daughters future husband will like her last name so much he will change his. You never know.
I’ll be dead anyways, and maybe my daughters future husband will like her last name so much he will change his. You never know.