BF v FF shame and “attachment theory”

@pastorchrisparker I think everyone else has covered everything I wanted to say but I figured I would chime in, anyway. I exclusively formula fed my baby from birth and he is the cuddliest, happiest baby and he is very attached to me! I felt a bond with him from the minute he was born. This was after an extremely anxious pregnancy that was beyond horrendous for my mental health- I was worried I wouldn't be able to bond with him as a result, but instead it was instantaneous and automatic... and I gave him his first bottle in the labor and delivery room shortly after he was born. I actually think breastfeeding would have been more damaging to our bond because I would have had anxiety over producing enough milk, having to wake up throughout the night and feel the pressure of being his exclusive source of food, or have to pump and take time away from actually playing with and cuddling him. Formula feeding was the best decision I made for my mental health and I know that my baby and I are happier and healthier as a result.
 
@pastorchrisparker My son is two years old now. He latched once, ever. He just refused to after that. I tried pumping but produced almost nothing. He was bottle fed from the start and EFF from three weeks old, when I followed my OB's advice and put the pump away.

If anyone tries to tell me this kid doesn't have a strong bond with me, I'll fight them. Once I quit pumping and got on antidepressants and stopped worrying about all of that crap, it became so much easier for us to bond. He still constantly runs up to me and asks for hugs or kisses, climbs on my lap for cuddles, etc. I can just tell by his behavior that he trusts me fully.

He also is incredibly close with my husband - he's a total daddy's boy. Whenever my husband is off work, our son is basically attached to him. Whether he's cooking something, playing a video game, working on one of his other hobbies, our toddler is right there like his little shadow. Which is actually another part of the "you need to breastfeed to bond" thing that really bothers me, because it implies that the other parent isn't as important and can never have as close of a bond.

Forget all that. A bond is formed by spending time together, being close, and being there for them. None of that requires a specific feeding method - just love and care.
 
@pastorchrisparker I gave birth two weeks ago and am exclusively formula feeding and I promise you, it will not impact your or your babies attachment. She still gazes up at me while I feed her, she still falls asleep easily on my chest, I still had a rush of oxytocin after she was born despite an awful and traumatizing labor experience. I'm also only two weeks out but my milk has mostly dried up and emotionally, I feel much more like "myself" than I have in months. I doubt that is a universal experience, but I feel much more capable (am I am much more well rested) than I might feel otherwise. You will do great.
 
@pastorchrisparker As a psychologist, attachment theory is ONE theory of developmental psychology amongst several (dozen) theories. There are some studies showing attachment styles in babies (the strange situation research) but the way this has been twisted and generalized to make sweeping statements about a child’s entire future is simply not substantiated by current research. In addition, many parenting programs have co-opted the word “attachment” (eg attachment parenting) and used it in a way even attachment theory researchers wouldn’t.

In other words, as a behavioral psychologist and new parent, I’m super over people using “attachment” as a way to shame, bully, and pressure moms. Formula feeding will not diminish your baby’s love for you.
 
@robertnethromik Thank you! I said to someone else that there’s a staggering difference in the breast feeding sub than this sub and I feel like there are a lot of comments in there that are a little holier than thou about EBF and attachment. Honestly because of this post I know know EFF is for me and the attachment thing is BS.
 
@aimee3915 I’m not a developmental psychologist so I can’t begin to answer that question but if it’s anything like the rest of psychology, there is no easy 1 answer. It’s probably a balance of a combination of things that are slightly different for every baby. Not a satisfying answer, I know.
 
@pastorchrisparker Keep in mind that people tend to be biased by their experiences. Most EBF mothers never looked into research and data on formula feeding because they didn't need to. Some of them then give over the top advice about how their choice is better than something they have never experienced and don't understand. They could mean well, but they're still uninformed. I exclusively pump and supplement with formula on doctor's orders, and have experienced that with my mother and a good friend.

There are also cultural factors. I live in an area with a diverse range of families and child-rearing styles, so people here are generally less judgmental about breast vs. formula, including medical practitioners. In fact, when I felt that pumping was not working for me and wanted to switch to EFF at 2.5 months, my biggest supporters were my baby's pediatrician, my LC and the nurse-midwife who was treating me for mastitis.

The attachment argument is so bogus IMHO. The image that people have in their heads for "mom bonding with baby" almost inevitably involves breastfeeding, so they think anything else is not bonding. I felt a strong emotional connection the moment I saw my baby through the plexiglass isolette in NICU. I stare at his pudgy little face during bottle feeding. When we're done, I cuddle him and do all the stereotypical doting mom things because he's not hungry and screaming, which would be the outcome if I tried to nurse--which I did try with LC support, but it didn't work out for several reasons. Tell me that's not bonding!

I'm sharing all this because it's so easy to feel guilty about your decisions even when you know you shouldn't. Parenting is a holistic experience. It's not just about feeding. I hope you'll feel confident and supported in making the best decisions for you and for your future baby.
 
@dobichlan18 I honestly feel no guilt after all these comments and my whole outlook has changed. No lie I just cried for a little because the stress of this had been so high and now I feel relief. This sub rules.
 
@pastorchrisparker We switched from BF to FF at 6 months. My daughter is 19 months now and we're on cow milk. She is still SUPER attached (maybe too much so?)

As long as you are holding your baby and giving them plenty of love and eye contact while you feed them they will attach to you just fine. Also keep in mind breastfeeding is hard for mom (sometimes) but it can also be hard for baby. Figuring out how to latch properly and efficiently get milk out is an acquired skill on both sides. Some babies are happier bottle feeding because it is easier FOR THEM. So don't feel like you are withholding some amazing experience from your child. By the end of our formula journey I had to hide bottles from my daughter when it wasn't feeding time because she LOVED the bottle. A lot.
 
@ajarrett Love this. I just think the whole latching drama, cluster feeding, nipple issues etc made me really nervous and I also had no idea what to expect with FF so this is all really helpful! Thanks!
 
@pastorchrisparker I was formula fed from birth, my mom said it was popular in the 80s and her Dr recommended it so she didn’t question it. So I’m lucky that she didn’t give me any flack about my choice. That would’ve definitely made it dm row complicated if she had.

I strongly suggest you read Emily Oster’s books, she aggregates data on breastfeeding and breaks it down simply about what’s true and what’s been blown way out of proportion (shocker: a lot of it has)

My son is almost 9 months old now and has been formula fed since birth, we have had zero bonding issues. I think you develop this bond by the closeness and the time you share together. He didn’t need my boob for me to hold him. I held him in my arms for hours and hours and hours through the night and naps and everything. He absolutely loves me and his daddy.
 
@pastorchrisparker It sounds like your Mom had a great experience with breastfeeding and she wants you to have that same thing which is very well meaning. If you are close to her, and she is as great as you say she is, I'm sure she will respect however you choose to feed your future baby! She may even enjoy getting to help with bottle feeding.

As for the "attachment theory" there may be some truth to it, but who knows? I had to formula feed my first baby and we have a great bond. I was able to combo feed (yes that's a thing!) my second and I feel like the bond is the same. My formula fed baby cuddles and snuggles me all the time.

As for the shame part of it, I was never shamed for using formula. Any shameful feelings I experienced were in my own head due to the pressures of society and feeling like a failure. All in my head. I am not a failure for feeding my kids, and looking back, I wish I hadn't felt that way.
 
@jiaru You know what it’s definitely in my own head more than anything and you’re right about my mom wanting the same experience because I think she loved BF me so much (clearly since she did it for a long time in my case). Thanks!
 
@pastorchrisparker I attempted breast feeding when my baby was born. I made it 12 hours into the first cluster feed and it broke me mentally. I just couldn’t let my child suck on my boob in hopes that it would eventually trigger my milk to come in. Couple this with a very pushy and non compassionate lactation nurse, we went completely formula feeding as soon as we were out of the hospital.

Since then, my husband gets to take feeding shifts which really takes pressure off me. We can have a nanny come to let us sleep at nights so we aren’t full zombies. And we can monitor how much she gets which helps us on growth spurts.

As for bonding and attachment, frankly she’s doing great with us. She knows our faces and voices and will smile and turn to us even when someone else is holding her. She is only 7 weeks now, so smiling and turning towards us is her level of engagement.

Since my kid also has vicious reflux, being able to change formula and not have to worry about what I am eating constantly is a huge plus. I’m here as a comfort and a mom, not a cause for her discomfort because of my diet.

I wouldn’t worry about attachment only coming from her latching on to your boob. The tiny little human you have is going to look to you for everything. And it’s up to you to make sure that whatever choice you make means you are still mentally and physically able to help that tiny human and that’s what builds the attachment.
 
@melbourne This great advice, thank you! would you mind elaborating on the sleeping shifts with your partner / nanny - what the sifts are and how you work with a 3rd person? I think that’s what I would most likely do. if you’re uncomfortable sharing you can ignore me!
 
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