BF v FF shame and “attachment theory”
- Thread starter pastorchrisparker
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@pastorchrisparker I FF my son and I felt no shame in it. He was born early. Was in the nicu for 2 months and needed to grow so he was on a higher calorie formula. He’s 6 months now and very attached to me regardless. He loves me and would rather me hold him. I’ve never seen a lack of attachment because I don’t breastfeed. I’ve never had any backlash because I’m not open to it. I don’t care who thinks breast is best, I know for a fact my son being fed is what’s best for him. &&& I was pumping while he was in the nicu religiously every 3 hours and that singlehandedly gave me ppd. I would be obsessed with how much I’m making which was never enough and I would cry cry cry everyday all the time. And one time I spilt some milk and had a complete breakdown, I was literally on the floor crying. and I didn’t visit my son for 3 days because I thought I was such a bad mother I didn’t deserve to see him. (This is my experience with a traumatic birth and then my son being in the nicu with lots of tubes in him and I didn’t get to meet him until 4 days later )
At the end of the day. It’s up to you how you want t feed your child and everyone may have a opinions but unless they are the ones day in and day out they don’t matter.
At the end of the day. It’s up to you how you want t feed your child and everyone may have a opinions but unless they are the ones day in and day out they don’t matter.
pastorchrisparker
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@pastorchrisparker
No offence to your mom, but fuck all of this noise.
My mom tried to tell me that putting my daughter in full time daycare at a year old would mean that she would no longer be bonded to me and will instead bond with her daycare teacher.
Like, for reals. Fuck all of that.
This is your child. She will OF COURSE be bonded to you as you will her. Cuddling, singing, talking, playing...all of this ALSO helps bond you and your child. It’s not like you’ll be hooking baby up to a feed bag for an hour and chucking her in the closet 8 times per day. You WILL be feeding her! Nothing is different except she will be sucking in a bottle rather than your body.
Her lips around your nipple is not the sole catalyst for a mother/daughter bond.
No offence to your mom, but fuck all of this noise.
My mom tried to tell me that putting my daughter in full time daycare at a year old would mean that she would no longer be bonded to me and will instead bond with her daycare teacher.
Like, for reals. Fuck all of that.
This is your child. She will OF COURSE be bonded to you as you will her. Cuddling, singing, talking, playing...all of this ALSO helps bond you and your child. It’s not like you’ll be hooking baby up to a feed bag for an hour and chucking her in the closet 8 times per day. You WILL be feeding her! Nothing is different except she will be sucking in a bottle rather than your body.
Her lips around your nipple is not the sole catalyst for a mother/daughter bond.
pastorchrisparker
New member
@pastorchrisparker I felt like crap forever about having to formula feed, but this clip from Adam Ruins Everything and the podcast that goes along with the episode really shines light onto how this whole debate started and why it shouldn’t even be a debate! (Sorry, on mobile and forgot how to make a pretty link)
pastorchrisparker
New member
@orthoserf Lol I worked on Adam Ruins Everything when it first came out. Not kidding! I’ll check this one out - love him. Thank you!
@pastorchrisparker Oh, wow! that’s so cool!!
If the day comes and you’re a mom, you’re gonna do great. You clearly love your future kids so much already and that’s what’s most important.
If the day comes and you’re a mom, you’re gonna do great. You clearly love your future kids so much already and that’s what’s most important.
pastorchrisparker
New member
@orthoserf So sweeet!! Thank you I love this sub
@pastorchrisparker I had a double mastectomy prior to having a baby, so my baby was formula fed from birth. She is 9 months and is incredibly attached to me, she won't even let anyone else feed her. Which is frustrating since that's one of the plus sides of bottle feeding (other people sharing feeding duties), but I'm glad that not breastfeeding didn't stop us from bonding.
pastorchrisparker
New member
@eddie12 I had breast reduction surgery so definitely not the same boat as you at all in anyway. but there’s a large chance I wouldn’t be able to regardless. That with my mental health issues means I don’t really have another choice. My mom almost didn’t want me to get it because of I couldn’t breast feed, clearly it means a lot to her! Thank you for sharing your story! 
bobbysarah
New member
@pastorchrisparker I didn’t start to bond with my child UNTIL I formula fed. Even after seeing specialists she would not latch, period. Pumping was exhausting and not helping my developing PPD. I started to hate my baby. I wanted my body back. I wanted to be able to go out and not have to worry about pumping. My kid was jaundiced and starving. We still vividly remember when we gave her a bottle of formula how she chugged it and slept for hours...she was so hungry.
Once we went to all formula around 5 weeks (with some milk I had pumped in the freezer) it was like a weight was lifted off of me. My husband could share in the feeding duties. He loved feeding her and being able to bond with her. I wasn’t tied to a pump for a large portion of the day (when I would rather be sleeping).
Once we went to all formula around 5 weeks (with some milk I had pumped in the freezer) it was like a weight was lifted off of me. My husband could share in the feeding duties. He loved feeding her and being able to bond with her. I wasn’t tied to a pump for a large portion of the day (when I would rather be sleeping).
pastorchrisparker
New member
@bobbysarah Yes this answer puts me at so much ease! All the comments do. I had such a negative feeling already about my mental health get in the way of being there for my baby. I almost felt like I wasn’t ready because of that. I feel like that weight has been lifted from with with all these comments! Thank you for sharing.
@pastorchrisparker I think for me, the #1 thing showing breastfeeding isn't necessary for attachment is how much my daughter is attached to her dad. Obviously, he never breastfed her, but she's extremely attached to him and always has been.
I think, to me, the quality of your relationship is more important than whether you feed them from the breast or not. Breastfeeding itself didn't ever work out for us (she used to unlatch herself and scream because she was hungry and I wasn't producing enough) but I was pumping routinely to get those breast milk benefits.
At the same time, I was upset, sleep deprived, having to deal with pump parts by myself while my husband was at work. I barely said a word to my baby. I loved her so much, but I was in such a bad place I didn't laugh, sing, etc. Things weren't perfect after I stopped pumping and switched exclusively to formula, but I could actually nap from time to time instead of staying up pumping. I was more well-rested. I started smiling, appreciating, singing, laughing.
That may not be everyone's journey (I definitely read a lot of successful pumping stories) but it was mine.
I think, to me, the quality of your relationship is more important than whether you feed them from the breast or not. Breastfeeding itself didn't ever work out for us (she used to unlatch herself and scream because she was hungry and I wasn't producing enough) but I was pumping routinely to get those breast milk benefits.
At the same time, I was upset, sleep deprived, having to deal with pump parts by myself while my husband was at work. I barely said a word to my baby. I loved her so much, but I was in such a bad place I didn't laugh, sing, etc. Things weren't perfect after I stopped pumping and switched exclusively to formula, but I could actually nap from time to time instead of staying up pumping. I was more well-rested. I started smiling, appreciating, singing, laughing.
That may not be everyone's journey (I definitely read a lot of successful pumping stories) but it was mine.
pastorchrisparker
New member
@pastorchrisparker I hope it helps! I feel like newborns are stressful enough without having additional guilt for making the objectively best choice for your family, just because that choice isn't the same as others.
I post about this a lot, but one of the things I've found is that there is "best on paper" and then there is "actually best for your family and unique situation".
If I'm trying to breastfeed but I cannot produce and my baby is losing weight and jaundiced, then it isn't the best. If I was someone who needed to take medicine to be healthy, and not taking it would cause me and my family to suffer, then it isn't the best. Stuff like that, you know?
People think that if you can't sacrifice absolutely everything, you're a crappy parent. That's just not true. For example, you really can't outrun biology. For me, I had to weigh the real-life risks: what was more dangerous, formula or falling asleep when I had no one home with me and possibly suffocate her? What was more beneficial, losing sleep over 2oz of breast milk a day (basically less than 10% of what she was eating), or being rested enough to interact with her and stimulate her?
And now that she's almost a toddler, I can see that my initial fears were all kind of for naught. She's a healthy weight, meeting/exceeding her milestones, super energetic, brave, passionate, incredibly sweet and engaging with others. She LOVES food of all kinds, especially fruits and veggies.
Luckily, I haven't dealt with too much backlash. But then, we've mostly been on quarantine since she was born (she was born during flu season so we didn't go out much, then covid-19 hit as soon as we started getting out). I've gotten a couple rude attitudes, but pretty much just brushed it off. It was mostly the lack of enthusiasm and support -- from doctors to family, everyone was eagerly and profusely supportive when I was attempting to breastfeed. When I switched to formula, the response was usually a flat "oh" and moving on. I did get some encouragement from other people who also couldn't breastfeed, which was nice.
Good luck on your journey!
I feel like newborns are stressful enough without having additional guilt for making the objectively best choice for your family, just because that choice isn't the same as others.I post about this a lot, but one of the things I've found is that there is "best on paper" and then there is "actually best for your family and unique situation".
If I'm trying to breastfeed but I cannot produce and my baby is losing weight and jaundiced, then it isn't the best. If I was someone who needed to take medicine to be healthy, and not taking it would cause me and my family to suffer, then it isn't the best. Stuff like that, you know?
People think that if you can't sacrifice absolutely everything, you're a crappy parent. That's just not true. For example, you really can't outrun biology. For me, I had to weigh the real-life risks: what was more dangerous, formula or falling asleep when I had no one home with me and possibly suffocate her? What was more beneficial, losing sleep over 2oz of breast milk a day (basically less than 10% of what she was eating), or being rested enough to interact with her and stimulate her?
And now that she's almost a toddler, I can see that my initial fears were all kind of for naught. She's a healthy weight, meeting/exceeding her milestones, super energetic, brave, passionate, incredibly sweet and engaging with others. She LOVES food of all kinds, especially fruits and veggies.
Luckily, I haven't dealt with too much backlash. But then, we've mostly been on quarantine since she was born (she was born during flu season so we didn't go out much, then covid-19 hit as soon as we started getting out). I've gotten a couple rude attitudes, but pretty much just brushed it off. It was mostly the lack of enthusiasm and support -- from doctors to family, everyone was eagerly and profusely supportive when I was attempting to breastfeed. When I switched to formula, the response was usually a flat "oh" and moving on. I did get some encouragement from other people who also couldn't breastfeed, which was nice.
Good luck on your journey!
jezzelaine
New member
@pastorchrisparker My baby and I are more bonded than I think we would have been if I continued to breast feed. It wasn't working for us, she was almost a month early and had latching trouble and I had a low supply. She lost almost an entire lb before we started supplementing. Between pumping and breast feeding and her weight loss, it was not a good fit for my mental health. We switched to just formula at 6 weeks. She is so healthy and happy now and we enjoy each other. Maybe it would have worked eventually, maybe we would have found our groove. But I wasn't going to sit back and starve my child while killing my mental health to wait for things to get better.
As far as doctors, in the hospital, I didn't have any backlash about formula feeding to supplement. She wasn't latching, and her bilirubin was low, so we were doing whatever we could. I met with lactation every week and peds every other until she got her weight back up, and surprisingly the only person who made a negative comment about supplementing because of my low supply was my OB, but he's been fine with me formula feeding, I think it was just all in one way with him.
My daughter is still more bonded and attached to me than she is to anyone else. Again though, she's my first (and only) so I don't have that full EBF experience to compare to.
As far as doctors, in the hospital, I didn't have any backlash about formula feeding to supplement. She wasn't latching, and her bilirubin was low, so we were doing whatever we could. I met with lactation every week and peds every other until she got her weight back up, and surprisingly the only person who made a negative comment about supplementing because of my low supply was my OB, but he's been fine with me formula feeding, I think it was just all in one way with him.
My daughter is still more bonded and attached to me than she is to anyone else. Again though, she's my first (and only) so I don't have that full EBF experience to compare to.
@pastorchrisparker I exclusively breastfed my first baby and exclusively bottle fed my second after only a couple of week. He became exclusively formula after 4 months.
So take it from me, there is NO DIFFERENCE in the attachment level my two children show me.
People are going to judge. When breastfeeding I got all sorts of comments and I get comments now with the bottles. People just love the idea of being right at the expense of others.
Honestly if they are not my child's doctor or my partner, then I don't give a fuck what they have to say.
So take it from me, there is NO DIFFERENCE in the attachment level my two children show me.
People are going to judge. When breastfeeding I got all sorts of comments and I get comments now with the bottles. People just love the idea of being right at the expense of others.
Honestly if they are not my child's doctor or my partner, then I don't give a fuck what they have to say.