Anyone on here who’s partner isn’t an abusive a-hole?

[vigilantrogue]

I’m going to be a SAHM when my baby is born in a few weeks and a few survey of the posts here are that a lot of women are married to abusive men. I guess I’m asking for positive stories of wonderful functioning family units because some of the stories on here have me scared that my husband is going to turn awful.

 

[fostera]

@vigilantrogue I’m laying in bed right now. I asked my husband to let me sleep in today. He grabbed the kids at 7am. It is 8am and I’m scrolling Reddit. I haven’t heard any screaming. I’ll go downstairs in a few to a fed baby and clean toddler, and I’m sure the older two are vegging out somewhere. I didn’t have to kick him out of bed this morning. Baby woke up and he got up. We make our needs known and they are met.

Is he perfect? FUCK NO. Am I annoyed daily? YES! But we communicate and love each other. I am not lesser than him because I don’t work.

 

[mem5]

@fostera

I am not lesser than him because I don’t work.

I've started making the distinction between working and employed. I work, but I am not employed. My husband is employed. Just wanted to offer that to you if you like it, because it's been a mental shift that's helped me feel more secure in being a SAHP.

 

[wheatpenny]

@mem5 Yes! I work harder than a lot of people who are employed do. In fact if I started to be employed it would probably be easier lmao

 

[ice_bear]

@wheatpenny Especially between when my toddler was 1 year and 18 months, my partner and I would be EXHAUSTED at the end of the weekend. And secretly almost glad that we could drop him at daycare the next day . We love him dearly but I cannot imagine how tiresome taking care of multiple kids every single day would be. (We are both employed).

 

[dibela]

@fostera Super agree with the sentence “we make our needs known and they are met.” I feel like a lot of relationship conflict I see is people hoping their partner will read their minds.

Every week or two, we do a team meeting and evaluate how the schedule we’re working is going for each of us and if there’s any way to make it better for the other person. It really helps when one of us is feeling a little shafted on personal time but we aren’t sure how to bring it up.

 

[katrina2017]

@fostera This is me and my husband. He knows being a SAHP is harder than working. I’m annoyed every day with him though, but we still love each other and work together as a team.

 

[daughterofgod99]

@fostera Communication. I don’t care what the problem is, have constant communication and it will either not be a big deal or won’t grow into a huge issue.

 

[katrina2017]

@fostera I struggle to much to not feel lesser just because I hate feeling utterly dependent. But knowing he has my back when he comes home after work, when I've had a bad day at home with baby, makes me feel so much better.

 

[ayakuro]

@vigilantrogue My husband was a good man before and is still a good man now. You have to understand that people that are posting bad stuff here, a lot of them have been dealing with crap for the whole time, and it has boiled over by the time they post here. Much like fb or Instagram only give you the good and wonderful snippets from someone’s life, you’re getting the shitty snippets here. People aren’t going to post as much on sahp sub when things are wonderful. So look at posts here through that lens. But a happy story? My husband came home earlier then usual the other day, told me to go take a break and took the kids to park for a while. It was really nice, I needed the break. I still felt weirdly guilty about not going with them and taking a break, even though he tells me not to, and I have no reason to. But that’s my own head and my stuff I need to work on lol.

 

[blazewater]

@ayakuro Thiiissss

 

[blessart]

@blazewater We found Nagini!

 

[rickyrajesh]

@ayakuro This! When times are happy, we're there enjoying our families. When times are bad, we ask the internet for help.

 

[kingdomsound]

@vigilantrogue My husband is a great guy. We were together for 5 years before I became a SAHM, which I’ve now been for 4 years. It’s a learning curve! We’ve had some weird times but overall, it’s been a great experience. And having him work from home since March 2020 has helped a lot. He sees that I’m not just sitting around all day, which I think he maybe used to think just a bit it’s a partnership, you just have to stay open to communication

 

[splinter215]

@vigilantrogue My husband has been nothing but amazing and supportive in the nearly 5 years since our son was born. The thing you have to remember is that people who are posting about abusive husbands are in bad situations, and need help. But the majority who aren’t with abusive spouses and don’t need help don’t post as much. So it’s not a realistic snapshot of the true percentage of abusive relationships.

All that being said, if you don’t trust that your husband won’t turn abusive, I implore you to consider couples therapy or something like that now.

 

[fcs2525]

@vigilantrogue This is making me cry. I thought I had the perfect partner and he turned into someone I don’t even recognize under the new stress. No, no PPD/PPA. Some people just aren’t open to adapting to new stressors. Baby is 13m and it hasn’t really improved. Im so glad so many have such amazing partners and I know it takes work every day! Good for all of you, genuinely so envious

 

[allan1967]

@vigilantrogue Some men don’t show their true colors till they become fathers, some men show them before fatherhood but their partners hope that a child will fix things, some women want children so bad they overlook red flags in their partners, and some people are broken by how stressful and triggering parenthood can be.
If you’ve chosen a partner that shows you genuine respect, intimacy, affection, etc., and you two nurture that throughout the whole process of parenthood then you can reach new heights of love and connection.
I have that, and it sounds like many others here do too. I recommend both of you get therapy before parenthood in order to identify any dysfunctional relationship and family patterns, increase coping skills before you need them, and solidify a support system before this big change.

 

[vigilantrogue]

@allan1967 We did couple counseling last year, not because of any relationship problems but because I wanted to make sure we were an absolute unit before trying to have a baby.

 

[yozjif]

@vigilantrogue Parenting subs are really a picture of what people experience in their homes and give a face to the statistics we often see. When I was pregnant with my first I was terrified my incredibly loving, supportive husband would become useless and uninvolved when our baby showed up. He hasn’t changed, except by becoming so much more amazing. The best advice someone gave me before I met my husband was “there’s no formula to make sure you don’t end up with a rubbish partner, the only thing you can do is always be ready to leave if the situation calls for it.”

Do you have a support system you can turn to if your husband starts acting up? Knowing I had people to turn to if this marriage, sahm, coparenting thing doesn’t work out has been a really great assurance.

 

[lookingforlovely]

@yozjif This is the best response