Am I being unreasonable?

[joan316]

I am just looking for an outside unbiased perspective on this.

I left my partner of 17 years 8 months ago. We have a 12 year old daughter, who lives with me full time.

At the beginning of our seperation, the agreement was that she would be with me Monday to Fridays and with her dad on weekends.

This worked well for a little bit, until he met his new girlfriend 2 months after we moved out.

I work two jobs and am in school full time to become an ECE. I work weekends as a waitress to make ends meet, the only reason I took a night job on weekends was because I was under the impression that he would have our daughter on weekends.

Well, now that he has his girlfriend (who is childless) he is away constantly on trips with her.

I wrote him an email the other day asking him to commit to having our daughter on Fridays (not even asking for the entire weekend!) until I am done school and able ti quit my waitressing job. I work Friday nights from 4 pm to 2am. It’s far too late and long of a night to leave our daughter home alone.

He phones me and told me that that’s very unreasonable. He will only commit to every second weekend as he requires every other Friday because “he has a life”. I reminded him that this was a safety issue and that I have no other childcare options, we have no family close by, and again I am only asking for a commitment for one day per week until the end of July when I finish school:

He replied with “well, that would really mess up my whole summer. I need Fridays off twice a month to get away.”

To me this is ridiculous, but I just wanted an outside opinion maybe from some other dads?

I completely understand needing time to oneself, and I have been very accommodating with all of his trips (a week to Mexico, 10 days to Vegas, and every long weekend including holidays away…this is just over the last 3 months)

I am contacting a lawyer this week but just wanted to know if my expectations are perhaps too rigid.

 

[waiting4]

@joan316 Firstly this sucks and he sounds awful to deal with. However, you can't force him to see her. Most courts also don't like every weekend custody. You need a court order, but it still won't force him to show up. Is he paying support?

 

[joan316]

@waiting4 Thank you for the reply. He is paying support. My expectations were so low that I figured one day per week wouldn’t be unreasonable (I am happy to have her saturdays and subdays as I don’t work as late)

 

[waiting4]

@joan316 Your expectations are so low, and most people would just step up and help you especially for such a short period, but he doesn't sound decent.
I have no suggestions really, but I can offer solidarity - I remember crying in a cupboard at work and begging my coparent to help me with childcare and he said he had to get off the phone because him and his (now ex) wife were going for dinner. He came to see our kid about once every two months. Kids remember this stuff though, and they're loyal.

 

[spookydawg77]

@joan316 Yes it's ridiculous, no you're not being unreasonable, but you're not likely going to be able to change him, so let's look at solutions.

How have you worked out child support? Does your jurisdiction have a standard calculator, or have you just come to an arrangement privately? If privately, tell him if he's going to have your daughter less than you originally agreed, he needs to pay more child support. He's not likely to agree to that, but good to have it on record that you've raised this as an issue for when you go to court.

Can you get a babysitter for the hours that you're working? They'd probably have to sleepover I guess, won't be cheap (hence why you should ask for more money from him).

Have you talked to him about having your daughter on other nights? Eg, every second Wednesday and Thursday night? If he would agree to that, could you change your shifts to work those nights instead?

How responsible is your daughter? To me, 12 years old is on the border of being able to leave at home at those hours. If she was a particularly responsible girl, it may be ok to stretch it a bit. Do you have any neighbours that you trust, that if she got into trouble she could go to, and that could even check in on her at 8pm or something like that? Could you try and establish a relationship like that with a neighbour?

 

[joan316]

@spookydawg77 He does pay me support, we agreed on the amount privately.
He has asked to take her for sleepovers during the week, but the issue is that he starts work at 6am and has no ability to drive her to school the next morning. We tried a sleepover once mid week and she was having to wake up at 5am so that he could drop her off at my house at 5:45. She hated it and it disrupted her whole schedule as she usually gets up at 7:45 to get to school for 8:30.

I don’t really want to “force” her to stay at her dads overnight during weeknights because of this, I don’t mind him taking her for dinner, he can see her anytime he wants to as I have always said from the beginning but he rarely does.

 

[spookydawg77]

@joan316 So, you have her so that he can work, but he won't have her so you can work? Have you pointed out the double standards in that?

 

[joan316]

@spookydawg77 This is a great point. He has a very inflated ego, and without getting into it too much, he definately thinks that he is more important than most people.

He told me that I should change my shifts (which I actually can’t-I was hired by a company that gives you a set shift per week and I agreed to Fridays when I was hired) or change my job. This job is temporary until I am finished school and I’m extremely grateful as the income has been pretty great throughout the winter. I live in a small town and restaurant jobs aren’t that great in the off season, this one place I work at is at a large casino that stays busy year round. I also have benefits which is a huge plus.

I will mention this to him next time we talk for sure.

 

[harsin101]

@joan316 Definitely not unreasonable.

We can't force people to be parents, and we certainly can't force them to be good parents. But he also made agreements he should stick to, or find a way to make it right for you.

I would ask him to increase his support to provide you with childcare for the weekends he is traveling, since the original agreement was weekends. That way, he can still "have a life," and you can find a trusted sitter who can be there for some of the time with your daughter.

In my state, both parents are responsible for splitting childcare costs for either parent to attend school or go to work. My child is also a toddler, so I don't know if that changes once a child is in school.

You should definitely have a parenting agreement as part of your divorce settlement. You don't have to split 50/50 if he doesn't want that. I split 85/15 with my ex, in part because of being in different states, but also because there's no way he could handle 50/50. If y'all agree to the parenting plan, you can file jointly and not have to go through a court mediated agreement.

Your ex sounds like someone who is ready to avoid accountability, so use that in your favor, if you can. Good luck!

 

[vanhiep240594]

@joan316 I don’t think he’s necessarily being unreasonable. The pattern of custody that you had initially setup is fairly unmanageable, and he is beginning to feel that. So his desire to have alternating weekends seems reasonable enough.

That said, there does need to be some give and take. Like, either he then finds some other time to have your daughter, in order to balance the loss of those weekends. Or he needs to increase his CS to you.

I don’t know what led to your separation, but being separated will throw you for a loop, regardless. And now he’s on the rebound. My point is, what seemed reasonable to him on day one might not seem reasonable to him now.

You definitely need lawyers or mediators to figure out a long term arrangement. For me (father to two), 50% physical custody was the minimum I would agree to. That required a more complicated pattern than merely “every weekend” or every other. You may have to be prepared to alter your schedule as well, unless he is happy with such limited parenting time. I have a hard time empathizing with dads who want less, but to each their own.

 

[panheadvic]

@vanhiep240594 LOL, are you the dad's girlfriend? "The pattern of custody that you had initially setup is fairly unmanageable, and he is beginning to feel that. So his desire to have alternating weekends seems reasonable enough."
???? Mom already has her daughter for a majority of the month compared to dad. Dad can't step up for 2 days out of the week to be a parent ? Apparently not-- and that behavior should NOT be validated. He is ALSO a parent so he should ALSO be parenting. Regardless of whether it's reasonable to him or not, a good dad would step the fck up and be a parent not put himself and his girlfriend first because when you have a kid, it's a given that sacrifices must be made. It's not fair on mom to struggle as a parent when there's another parent in the picture. Dad is being selfish and again, that behavior should not be validated cause at this point he's not even putting in the bare fcking minimum.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@panheadvic Jeez, get a grip.

So, dad can work 5 days per week, and then always parent all weekend, every weekend. Which he did for months. Why? So OP could continue on her planned trajectory, with as a little interruption as possible, considering that she left him.

Dad eventually figured out that he was committed 24x7 to support his STBXW so she could initiate a divorce AND continue to follower her own dreams.

He should petition for 50/50 custody. Immediately.

 

[panheadvic]

@vanhiep240594 No really, are you dad's girlfriend ? because you are real defensive of this father who doesn't even parent his child 2 days out of the week because he's too busy prioritizing himself and his girlfriend, instead of spending time with HIS child.

YES, Dad CAN work 5 days per week AND then parent all weekend cause he's a PARENT. Mom works 2 jobs and goes to school AND parents FIVE days out of the week.

50/50 custody ? Really ? Dad can't even handle 70/30. What a joke.

The only one who needs to "get a grip" here, is you.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@panheadvic Dad never said he couldn’t handle more time. Dad said he couldn’t ONCE AGAIN adjust his life to meet OP’s needs.

When my ex first left to be with her AP, I had many people assuming and suggesting that my new role would be the “every other weekend dad”

When I pushed back to say, “But… these are my kids! I WANT to be their dad!” I had many (most?) voices in my life telling me I was nuts.

At the same time, becoming a 50% single parent was a scary proposition (my ex was moving right on with her new man). I loved being a dad, and was a pretty good one, but I was afraid.

Thank goodness I wasn’t dissuaded.

But had I been? Might I have eventually figured out that every other weekend was simply not right for me? Hopefully. It may well be that this guy is on that journey. You don’t know. You just hear OP whine about how hard it is for her since the divorce (which she initiated), and how now when she needs everyone to again adjust to her needs, she complains that the dad is selfish for not complying.

 

[panheadvic]

@vanhiep240594 OP was with this guy for 17 years-- if she was happy in that relationship, she wouldn't have left. Dad is selfish because of the things he says and does. If this dad really cared about being there for his child he would step up to be there for her and fight (like you did), but he is literally stepping down so he can go on trips with his new gf and "have a life." Meanwhile mom is working 2 jobs and going to school full-time and at times, parenting full-time without help from dad (because he goes on week long trips and weekend trips.)

You love your kids so much and it shows... because even scared, you fought to be a parent to them 50% of the time.

Let this sink in: this dad is literally fighting to be a parent like 20% of the time. A dad who wants to be there for his kids would not allow anything to dissuade him from doing so and you are a perfect example of that. This dad does not care about spending time with his daughter because if he did, he would fight to do so, just like you did. But this dad is fighting to see his daughter less on his own accord.

OP has adjusted to dad's needs, she mentions all the trips he has taken on weekends which is when he agreed to parent.

If dad wanted to be a parent 50% of the time he would fight for it (just like you did) but he is wanting LESS time with his kid. Did you not read that part? He's not even an every weekend parent, he's an every other weekend parent, out of convenience to himself. He does not want to be a dad and it shows. If he wanted to be there for his kid, he would be there, like he agreed to do. Whether it's on the weekend or weekdays he would step up but he is NOT doing that OR fighting for that.

 

[panheadvic]

@joan316 OP, please share with me how you're able to stay alive all while being the primary parent, working 2 jobs, and being a full time student. I could use some help/tips with time management, please and thank you

 

[jada11]

@joan316 Go to court. Work out a custody order that he agrees to. And get a babysitter or someone for your kid to hang out with, because it doesn't sound like he'll agree to every weekend. You're not being unreasonable for wanting him to stick to your agreement, but he's not unreasonable for wanting some weekends to himself.

 

[katrina2017]

@joan316 I'm sure others have said this, but:
Don't look to your "coparent" for help. Ever..

Can you find a neighbor or something that will help? Can you tell them it's for a short period, and if they know you will, treat it as an IOU until you have money to pay?

There are generous people out there. If someone asked me for childcare, and I was available, I'd do it to help a fellow mom. Maybe find a moms group on facebook and see if someone will help- make sure you call references etc like you would any other sitter though!!

 

[joan316]

@katrina2017 Thank you for this; I see this point now and I won’t be asking for help again.

 

[scoobs]

@katrina2017 Or maybe she could have Friday overnights at a friend's house whose parent(s) you trust. This is what I've done in the past with my tweens as my coparent lives several states away. The kids love it and never even know that's it's a schedule thing. It also doesn't make them feel like I don't trust them by being babysat when they are old enough to be a babysitter themselves.