Are we being unreasonable?

[saveoursoul]

@lovefaithandhope All we want to go to court for is child support enforcement. Not increasing it just enforcing what is already agreed upon. We aren’t trying to make him to see the kids more. I would love that for the kids but here we are.

 

[jonathan46]

@saveoursoul You probably don't need to go to court (or even have a discussion with your ex) to enforce child support. Google "child support enforcement + State" and follow those procedures. Or post, with your state, on r/childsupport.

 

[walkingoneggshells]

@saveoursoul You need to stop with the we. You need to go to court. You need to have it enforced. You need communicate. Your partner has nothing to do with it. You and your ex.

 

[evenstar001]

@saveoursoul You should be able to just file the court order with enforcement. You shouldn't need to go to court for that.

 

[saveoursoul]

@evenstar001 Good to know. I have as going to reach out to our lawyer about how to do it if it gets to that point and I’m sure he would have informed me. Just was afraid since we have done it all outside of court it would have to go to court to get enforced.

 

[evenstar001]

@saveoursoul Do you not have an order at all?

 

[saveoursoul]

@evenstar001 No we don’t.

 

[gettokimono]

@saveoursoul Honestly, your ex sounded completely reasonable in his responses to you. You threatened court as an ultimatum based on your baby’s due date... And why in the world do you phrase it “We would be willing to sit down and discuss it before court”? Why is your current partner in that conversation at all? Your ex is rightfully upset at you and you need to get the parenting boundaries straight. Your partner is not a main decision maker regarding your child on any matter - it’s you and your ex and that’s it. Do not convince yourself or your partner otherwise. That’s really messed up.

 

[leras]

@saveoursoul Your partner is not really a part of this equation, I’m sorry to say. And I get it. Bc my husband is basically the only stable dad my kid has had her whole life. But, he still doesn’t dictate how my coparenting goes. Try and imagine how you’d feel if your ex was saying “we need to go back to court bc my gf/fiancé/wife doesn’t like the way things are going”. I imagine you’d be very unhappy.

Now, I can ALSO understand not wanting to hear from him a zillion times a day. So set the boundary then enforce it. If he calls more than once a day, block him. Or whatever you feel the boundary/consequence should be.

 

[nguyencuong9102]

@saveoursoul You heard this already. But, just a different spin. My ex used the "we" thing when he was married. I hated it.

It was a team against just me. His "stable" home against the "single mom." It was pretty scary to have that bandied about with criticisms, threats, accusations of alienation, and constant court dates.

YOU are responsible for your boundaries. Set your phone on silent and respond when you are able. Learn what a boundary is, and stop trying to control your ex. Focus on your child and your family.

Court will NOT help. It will make things worse.

 

[agapebondservant]

@saveoursoul Not to be a dick but you sound like the one in the wrong here. Just being honest.

 

[nemo]

@saveoursoul Any agreement between you and your ex is between you and your ex. Leave the partner put of the discussion. Don't mention what your partner thinks or wants in any conversation. If my ex brought up to me what his wife thinks and wants, my thoughts would be, "So? Why would I care? (And I get along great with my ex's wife, probably because she stays out of it and doesn't try to intervene in our agreements). She's not part if this conversation." When speaking to an ex, consider it from their point of view and how you'd feel in their place, hearing those same words.

Be clear about your expectations from the ex. No multi calls and spamming you texts. Pay the agreed amount of child support on the agreed upon day. Show up for the kids when expected. If he can't do what he supposed to, then sure, go back to court and have all payments go through them. In some places, you don't even need to go to court. Just submit a child support order request form with supporting docs about the agreed upon fees. Done.

 

[drybomber]

@saveoursoul You've already got some pretty good feedback and things to think about.

I'd apologise to your co-parent about how you went about it and try to start again.
- you'd like to talk about communication
- you'd like to talk about child support
- you thought this might be easier in person

You and your partner can talk about what is bothering you, ideally get on the same page, and then you take it to your co-parent to discuss. Co-parent doesn't need to know or hear about your partner's opinion. It's not co-parent's responsibility to respond differently because you are having a baby.

Then you can set some boundaries, for example:
He can text or call you if it's easier for him, but only call a second time if it's urgent. Do not call more than that. You will follow up by the end of the day. Send an email if it's multiple questions or requires thought. Ask how he wants you to communicate with him. Tell him you need child support on time. Let him share his opinions on your daughter being home alone, tell him you will take his thoughts into consideration. Etc.

If you cannot come to an agreement, look at what legal options you have, maybe try mediation. Talk to your co-parent about this.

Then have some conversations with your partner.

 

[dachinedur]

@saveoursoul Starting off your conversation with “I think we need to court” is horrific and you will be very much reprimanded by any judge for trying to use the court system to threaten your coparent into doing what you want. Your ex is exactly right. You are in the wrong. Big time.

If his communications bother you just don’t respond. Be an adult. Send an email when you need to and ignore anything that’s not an emergency.

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@saveoursoul The partner's thoughts should not be in any texts or any parts of the conversation you're having with the father of your child. He accepted being with someone who has a child, and now he has to accept that the biological parents are still in some sort of union with each other for 18 years and need to communicate. The ex doesn't need to be calling so many times per day, but not because your partner doesn't like it. He knew what he signed on to when he was coming around and establishing a relationship with you.

 

[katrina2017]

@saveoursoul Stop throwing your current partner under the bus if these are decisions you feel are right. You need to own them, not put it on someone who is completely irrelevant to the discussion. Your ex has no obligation to give a shit about what your new boyfriend wants. He has no say.

 

[amanwalking]

@saveoursoul I don’t think he seems too far gone, I wouldn’t want my son to stay home alone honestly at 11.5 I don’t understand why you guys did, but you should try to understand why he doesn’t agree. If that’s his child then your current partner has nothing to do with it, they are the stepparent and they don’t lay any rules when it comes to the kid if both of the parents are in the picture. If he’s constantly driving, I don’t know if he’s a trucker, but maybe the visitation agreement should be altered to some thing that works better for the both of you and allows him to see the child. If that’s his child he should be able to call them and talk to them whenever he wants. I know it’s frustrating having a coparent with someone that you don’t like and don’t feel like you get along with but in this case it does seem like you’re being unreasonable because you want things to be a specific way for you and your new partner but that’s not their child, so it won’t be 100% how you guys want it to be. I agree was going to court to set some boundaries and guidelines but it shouldn’t be because that’s what your partner wants it should be because that’s what the best for the child

 

[bmabramczyk]

@saveoursoul I might be reading between the lines here, but I have a feeling you are dealing with a narcissistic ex? I'm watching my bestie go through the same thing. It's almost like every boundary you set is meet with huge push back. Using your spouse takes the heat off of you and sometimes works because he respects a man's voice more than yours. And when he agrees to things it's short lived and thrown back in your face later.

Court will take a long time and draw this out and just increase the texts and calls.

My suggestion is to figure out what you want and propose that. There are the apps, non emergency messages can be hand written and passed at pick up, or emails only. Write it up and you take the lead in the conversation. Be prepared for his response. I find they are the same arguments that they have been making so know your boundaries and sick to them.

 

[saveoursoul]

@bmabramczyk Yes, so much yes. He respects my partner being upset but not me. My opinion doesn’t matter. He also thinks he can just bulldoze me on everything. He will literally stand over me and argue until I literally can’t speak anymore because he has a response to everything. Having my partner there makes him tone all of it down.

 

[hmoon155]

@saveoursoul You should absolutely go to court for child support enforcement, ignore the extra calls and texts or you can set a boundary such as one phone call a week to discuss kid, text messages will be answered once a day if it’s urgent otherwise they will also be ignored. From your comments, it sounds like ex likes to bully and backseat parent. The only way to deal with this is to establish firm boundaries instead of blaming current partner. If you’re going for child support anyways, you can ask to modify the parenting plan to limit contact to an app which may be useful in documenting how unhinged his behavior is. Good luck!