@agapeos1080 I wouldn't be upset. I'd ignore.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and "set a boundary" by reiterating my rights as mom.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and "set a boundary" by reiterating my rights as mom.
I need to know if I’m being unreasonable
- Thread starter agapeos1080
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agapeos1080
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katrina2017
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@agapeos1080 I’d definitely be upset. She has no place asking something that concerns you and YOUR side of the family like your mom. What would she have said if you told her yes she around my mom?? She has no input on what you do when your daughters with her. And if it concerns her so much then maybe she should suggest to her partner that he spend for time with his daughter or something lol. Like what was the reasoning for even asking you that. I agree with everyone that’s saying to ignore. If it was me I’d probably tell her that doesn’t concern her, you live with your mother and she’s the one who primarily helps you with child care while you’re working. BUT you could just ignore her too. & I would’ve definitely thought her putting her name first was on purpose but only she knows if it was intentional or not. I’d take the paper out of her backpack as it serves no purpose. You’re her mother, if you felt like she needed written emergency contacts I’m sure you would have done it.
agapeos1080
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@katrina2017 Thank you! I appreciate your input, I will probably ignore it but if she tries to overstep again I will most likely say something. The first time was enough, this time might be a mistake, but if it happens again I’ll have to say something.
@agapeos1080
You have every right to be upset about her behaviour.
What an absolute cheek, her asking God much time your daughter spends with her Grandma. Even if she thought it, she has no place asking the question. Silly woman.
You have every right to be upset about her behaviour.
What an absolute cheek, her asking God much time your daughter spends with her Grandma. Even if she thought it, she has no place asking the question. Silly woman.
agapeos1080
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my mom was more angry about it than I was, truthfully. I thought it was definitely bold of her lol but I brushed it off because … what a ridiculous question. My mom was very upset about it, but she’s a hothead sometimes.@agapeos1080 Tbh I can understand you mum being upset about it. It's really not your Ex's partners business. A great deal of coparent issues are caused by overstepping by overzealous stepparents, who would be better leaving the coparenting to the parents.
@agapeos1080 You're being petty about almost all of this.... time outs are not the worst thing in the world... that's what your child will get as punishment in pre school. 1 minute for each year of age.
Anyway, ignore all of it. Relax about it. Let her be on the pick up list if it makes her feel important. Take the path of least resistance because none of this sounds harmful to the child
Anyway, ignore all of it. Relax about it. Let her be on the pick up list if it makes her feel important. Take the path of least resistance because none of this sounds harmful to the child
agapeos1080
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@hallbee66 I’m being petty by ignoring it? As long as they aren’t hitting my child I don’t care what kind of discipline they implement. I never once said I intended to acknowledge the way they choose to discipline, however - I don’t appreciate your comment. Time outs are not the only way to discipline a child, and there’s empirical evidence to back up the fact that they don’t work. Leaving a child alone to deal with big emotions is a perfect way to make sure they never discuss their emotions with you. She goes to a Waldorf school that does not implement time outs.
I would know, I had timeouts when I was little and I attempted suicide rather than talking to my mom about it because I was taught my emotions were something to keep to myself.
I don’t mind putting her on the PU list, the point is she put herself before me. I don’t want them calling my ex’s girlfriend before they call me in an emergency. If she needs medical attention in a desperate way, she doesn’t have the authority to give permission. My daughter could die if something terrible happens to her and needs emergent surgery. She could be in pain if she doesn’t have the authority to authorize pain medication. It sounds harmful to me.
I would know, I had timeouts when I was little and I attempted suicide rather than talking to my mom about it because I was taught my emotions were something to keep to myself.
I don’t mind putting her on the PU list, the point is she put herself before me. I don’t want them calling my ex’s girlfriend before they call me in an emergency. If she needs medical attention in a desperate way, she doesn’t have the authority to give permission. My daughter could die if something terrible happens to her and needs emergent surgery. She could be in pain if she doesn’t have the authority to authorize pain medication. It sounds harmful to me.
@agapeos1080 I don't think they would call her before you. Even if her name is listed first, I actually think they have a legal responsibility to call the custodial parent first because the step parent, even if she is on the pickup list, doesn't have rights to educational info. They know who the mother is, and I'm positive they have your custody agreement on file so that they know who to call in an emergency
@agapeos1080 Also time outs don't always equal leaving a child alone to deal with an emotion. but it's a parenting preference regardless of how it is implemented and i would choose my battles concerning that personally
agapeos1080
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@hallbee66 I didn’t say anything to them. I allow them to discipline how they see fit, I just don’t know why she is the one putting my daughter in timeout. I don’t let my boyfriend discipline her and he’s been around longer than her father. I just don’t find it appropriate, but again, I don’t say anything about it because it’s their house not mine
@agapeos1080 Yeah that's a big issue. I divorced a guy like that. He had me, then a childless single person, dealing with his very damaged toddlers severe tantrums. I made a ton of mistakes that I didn't make on my own daughter and resented my ex for making me do the discipline with his children. It's because he's a lazy parent and she is probably good natured and willing. I'm sure she will get burned out. My husband doesn't do any discipline with my daughter because it's not his job. My ex has had 2 different women live with him doing all the mom stuff at his house since we divorced. Some guys want to be able to say they have custody but not actually do the parenting.
tonyflake2
New member
@hallbee66 Just stepping in as an early childhood educator.. if it's a decent program, the children absolutely will not be getting time outs in preschool. It's developmentally inappropriate pretty much until it's completely ineffective. Time outs are an outdated way of dealing with disruptive or challenging behavior.
Not to say that she should say something about it happening at dad's house. Just clarifying incorrect information.
Not to say that she should say something about it happening at dad's house. Just clarifying incorrect information.
@tonyflake2 Idk, my child goes through the school district and they do time outs, but I'm not a child specialist, i only work with adults. I do know that 1 minute per year of age is what my childs play therapist suggested in terms of time outs. I know when I give my own child time out I do it with empathy and she just has to sit in a chair and chill for 4 minutes. Honestly my kid doesn't need time out often anyway. Either way, that is interesting info since I always thought of it as a pretty benign positive punishment.
tonyflake2
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@hallbee66 Yeah that doesn't sound like a quality program (or therapist unfortunately). The whole concept of "punishment" is pretty outdated - the goal should be to teach children rather than punish them.
A positive way to handle incidents you would normally use time out for: first you have to distinguish from a child who is emotional and overwhelmed vs a child who is purposely breaking rules or norms. A child who's having trouble controlling their feelings needs to be sat with and talked through that process. Help them identify the feeling, how it makes their body feel, and what they can do to react to that feeling in positive ways vs negative ones.
If they're purposely acting out, they need to face the consequences, but it should be related to the offense. Like if an adult says something mean to someone else, they don't have to go sit in a separate room for awhile lol. They have to figure out how to fix it and repair the relationship. Children need to be guided through that process. Like if your four year old hits, have her check on the victim "are you okay?", then offer appropriate comfort (can be a hug or an ice pack if there's an injury etc), then acknowledge the hurt they caused and apologize.
These are all so much more effective than time outs, and actually teach a child how to deal with issues instead of punishing them for not doing it right.
A positive way to handle incidents you would normally use time out for: first you have to distinguish from a child who is emotional and overwhelmed vs a child who is purposely breaking rules or norms. A child who's having trouble controlling their feelings needs to be sat with and talked through that process. Help them identify the feeling, how it makes their body feel, and what they can do to react to that feeling in positive ways vs negative ones.
If they're purposely acting out, they need to face the consequences, but it should be related to the offense. Like if an adult says something mean to someone else, they don't have to go sit in a separate room for awhile lol. They have to figure out how to fix it and repair the relationship. Children need to be guided through that process. Like if your four year old hits, have her check on the victim "are you okay?", then offer appropriate comfort (can be a hug or an ice pack if there's an injury etc), then acknowledge the hurt they caused and apologize.
These are all so much more effective than time outs, and actually teach a child how to deal with issues instead of punishing them for not doing it right.
@tonyflake2 She was a pretty decent therapist. I don't know that you can make a generalization about her whole career.
tonyflake2
New member
@hallbee66 Not that she's a bad therapist, but unfortunately the techniques and knowledge are not up to date if she's recommending time outs.
@tonyflake2 I don't remember her recommending time outs. She asked me about my discipline style and one minute per age is what she recommended if time out is being used. She also coached me in positive parenting techniques so basically everything you wrote above. Probably that is why I don't use time out except as like a last resort. Like 5 time outs a year lol. I am a counselor (as I said, for adults not children so I don't claim to be any kind of child expert) also so I'm kind of naturally averted to harsher parenting style. I mostly help her identify feelings instead.
tonyflake2
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@hallbee66 Ah I see. Your initial comment made it sound as if she was recommending time outs.