Am I being petty

K

kallim22

New member
Background info: So I have my toddler full time for 90+ percent of a given month (mom not in the picture). A weekend or 3-5 days out of the month she stays with her grandparents (my parents) who are about 2 hours away. I have a group of extended family that we were connected while growing up. I haven't had a good relationship with them for many years, but we do support each other during hard times. I am single dad.

Basically I hear absolutely nothing of communication from the rest of the family to me ..total radio silence. Part of that is on me because In the past I have not wanted to be involved in some drama so I have intentionally stayed away and kept distance. Now as a result the whole family only communicates with my mom in regards to my daughter. all updates, pictures, video calls. And my mom only has her for 3-5 days a month. I thought I didn't give a shit about this situation, but I'm realizing its getting old and its both hurtful and makes me angry. The hardship of parenting is on me, but I am getting 0 of the social support. Meanwhile my mom is being "trophy" parent and taking the "glory" and I know she's presenting it practically like she's the one raising her. See now I feel like I am sounding petty. But it is genuinely disheartening that none of them asks me about my daughter, how shes doing, since I'm the one who actually knows. Or how I'm doing and how things are going as a single parent to a toddler. She's had some extensive health issues as well where I lived with her in the hospital last year that she's still getting better from. Not gonna lie I also feel partly its due to being single dad and not single mom.. if I was single mom alot of the past issues w my family would be swept under the rug on their end and they would be far more doting / connected etc. /Vent

Anyway I'm just being petty right?
 
@kallim22 Send the entire list of people a monthly update of your daughter. Be sure to mention the 3 days she was with grandma. You need to own the narrative and not communicating with them will only serve others interests. It's not petty to want to be recognized for your work as the actual parent.
 
That last sentence!! Wanting recognition isn’t petty at all.

My sons dad has come to visit 4 times in 8 months, never for more than a day and a half, never spent a night with his son, and asked if he can take our son to another city 5 hours away to introduce him to his family. No? I have no problem bringing him to meet the family but they’re also gonna meet his mom who does 100% the work 100% of the time. You don’t get to do nothing and then be Proud Dad. It’s the school group project thing all over again.
 
@kallim22 Parenting isn't something we do for recognition, but at the same time if there's recognition being thrown around it's definitely irksome when it's misplaced. I don't think you would be alone in being irritated by this.
 
@kallim22 For me, it does sound like your mom loves your daughter and grandmothers can overly dote. I assume the 3-5 days is for your sanity and to get a break? For me, I'd laugh and brush it off. Like someone said.. parenting isn't about recognition or awards. People will eventually realize who raised her and your daughter will know.

Parenting a toddler is extremely hard. I know people say this all the time, but it does get better. 0-4 was rough. 4-11 were magical.. my daughter and I did everything together: bike to parks, go camping, playgrounds, carnivals.. truly an amazing time.

When your daughter is going to school, you will be immersed with new friends, because of her friends' parents. Just hang in there and do what you're doing, appreciate the time and moments that you have and mainly only you have. Wouldn't trade those for the world. Instead of worrying about toxic extended family or your mom's time with your daughter, start thinking of adventures, things to do together, playdates, and enjoying what you have. If you want recognition, then start taking and posting more pictures. But I tend to focus on the actual "having fun" part.
 
@frater_domus Thank you. Your post definitely made me feel better.. She turns 3 next week so almost there :) Definitely can't wait til she progresses to talking in full sentences, being potty trained and all that good stuff.. so we can do all the fun stuff together like you and your daughter. but I also know then all those magical toddler moments will be gone forever too
 
@kallim22 Don't stress over her family - want a real horror story look a my posts in /r/singledads about my wife dying and leaving me with 4 kids. I have twins that are 2, a 5 year old daughter and a 14 year old stepson.

My wife's side of the family literally took him out of the house and insisted that he shouldn't live with me and haven't had anything to do with my 3 kids since.

People are nuts, focus on your own life and being as happy as you can with your daughter. Try not to focus on the maternal family BS.
 
@weezee Hey man I am too a single dad with my wife dying 7 months back leaving behind a day old daughter and a six year old daughter. For time being I have moved in with my parents as it was not possible for me to move back to my own apartment in my city since my wife was with her folks in a different city during final stages of her pregnancy.

I faced lot of tough times with my wife's family trying to separate my daughters and me forcibly removing them and move in with my parents. I also have no contacts with my relatives and everyone mostly inquires about my younger one through my mother whereas sometimes I feel it should be me as I know the most.

I am waiting for pandemic to be over and my younger one a bit older so I am able to move back to my city and till that time just bite the dust.

I suggest just lay low a while, do best for your kids and wait, your time will too come.
 
@kallim22 It’s a little petty. Annoying, tho, for sure. My mom acts like she such an active grandparent, meanwhile I live 5 hours away and in 7 years my parents have made the drive to visit us maybe 2-3 times. Otherwise I’m almost expected to drive there so they can see my son. I just let it go. Life is too short. Go to the gym and work out the frustration and let people think whether they want. (I run mostly for sanity reasons. Lol) Personally, I can’t waste brain power worrying about how people perceive my parenting, even family.
 
@kallim22 I second the monthly update suggestion. You could for instance create a whatsapp group for the family for your kid’s pics and updates. I understand there have been past issues, but it’s a bit of a two way street too, they might be even scared to approach you if you have distanced yourself in the past, seem oblivious now, etc.
 
@kallim22 Is it worth inviting all the drama that you say you're avoiding in your life to reach out and reconnect with that side? If not, grandmas dote and you gotta let it go.

If you're really saying you want more connections or help from the family, then that's gonna have to be a risk you take with them.

If not, then what does it matter really?

Also, if you're not connected to them how are you hearing what they think or how they perceive the whole situation? Through grandma? Or are you assuming?

If it's through her, when she starts on it just tell her you don't want to talk about any of that and change the subject.
Hopefully she'll get it and stop eventually, because she wants to see her granddaughter and that's what's important, not how anyone views you.

If it's your assumption, yeah I think you're dwelling to much on something that might not even be true.. just don't.

You know the truth. Your mom knows the truth. And most of all your daughter is taken care of. Who cares..

I say this because I'm doing this alone without the entire side of my dad's family and without most of my mom's side because they aren't worth entertaining in this way. People who are negative to assume the worst or semi worst about you and your kids aren't going to have their minds changed and I personally think it's not worth the extra effort and energy you'd have to put in to correct this. You're already doing alot.

But if this has become a toxic situation between you and your mom though.. that's different and should be addressed because your daughter doesn't need to hear all that if she's talking to these others around her and you don't need all that extra pressure either.

It's pointless and not helping you. So you can decide to just ignore it or say something. But you know your family and your own boundaries best.
 
@kallim22 I understand the feeling of what you're going through.. This last year I've had to regrettably put some distance between myself and my mom as well.

I let it go as much as I could, but when it became something that was going to affect my daughters, I put my foot down and dealt was just prepared to deal with her not being able to be around to help while she got her head on right.
Hopefully that won't be the case for you all.
All the best!!
 
@whycalvary Thank you and I hope that you are able to find a good solution as well!

I ended up actually having a long convertsation with my mom and it turned out to be really positive. We both listened without judgement and I let her know my feelings about it and she actually said she could see where I was coming from. Sometimes talking it out does work!
 
@kallim22 Nice! Glad to hear that's gone well.

Knowing my mom and having had to try to talk issues out with my mom, straight talk hasn't worked so much. She's in the past hung up on me, even if I use "I" sentences and speak very carefully and tactfully.

I know she means well and doesn't set out on purpose to hurt myself or my siblings. I know she's trying to make up for not being there when we were kids and has issues with boundaries because of that.

My solution at this point is to remember that, put a little distance and just not depend on her for now. Just keeping her in small doses.

Hopefully it won't always be that way.
Glad you listened to your gut and got some resolve on this!
 
@kallim22 let grandma be grandma and brag about your daughter to anyone, any time.

You are being petty.

You dont get credit for making a baby and then raising it.... and if you want to control the narrative about your daughter, send out emails or post stiluff to fb or whatever.
 
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