AITA - Dinner time

[convictionofgod]

I (f49) and hubby (m50) have three kids, 8,13,&15. When they were little, we had three semi balanced meals and two snacks everyday as part of the routine. As they got older, it all loosened into what now is me feeding the 8 year old breakfast before school, one big family breakfast that everyone likes each weekend on what ever day works, and sharing a few favorite lunches or midafternoon snacks here and there. Plenty of choice otherwise - always have fruits, but buy ice cream, crackers, granola bars, whatever snacks they want on hand for the week.

Except dinner. I’ll get suggestions from everyone when meal planning for the week, but the meal that’s cooked is dinner.

I love family dinner. I love that I or hubby can cook nutritious food and serve balanced meals. It’s still often pasta laden, or covered in cheese; but always accommodates the two vegetarian kids. Lots of beans or tofu to get them some protein, various grains and veggies, etc.

The problem is the 15 year old, who used to eat everything, thinks it is torture to eat most of the dinner food now put in front of them. They just want their standard favorites that they already get plenty of, even up to and right after dinner. I’m just trying to add a little balance.

Family dinner used to be that picture perfect time where we all gathered and talked about our day. Now, when 15 is home, it’s a bit more of a gripe fest because I dare try to feed them. Is it too much to ask them to eat a little of what I prepared when they are home for dinner? Am I being unreasonable? I’ve been told I’m too controlling about it. I feel like dinner is all I’m basically asking.

 

[michaelo]

@convictionofgod I can only half-way relate, maybe it is the age? My 16-year-old is a bit more picky than ever, BUT what I cannot relate to, the gripefest. Nope, nope, nope. My husband would shut that down so fast, totally not OK on our home.

Our rule: Any meal that someone has cooked for you = sit with a serving in front of you politely and respectful. Do not have to finish it, but you show gratitude for the thought behind it. We all love our dinner conversations and debates. It is fave time for the family.

A couple of thoughts:

Has the 15-year-old prepared & served a family dinner? This might help with more comprehension on their end about what it feels like when family eats a meal that took a lot of work to prepare.

And two, is there strain among family members & a missing connection in general, that really is not about the food, but more just about manifests itself at this moment since this is like;y the only time the family gathers?

 

[convictionofgod]

@michaelo Thank you for your response. The gripes are so disrespectful, you are right.

15 does make popcorn or ramen for the other kids and even me, sometimes. For a while they’d make as pasta dish or help cut up salads. Now they rush home just in time for dinner because they are so busy at school, if they even get to be home in time. I did just tell them at dinner that they’d fix dinner Wednesday (home at 5!) and it would need protein and veggies. I have been letting them have that afternoon to themselves because the rest of the week is full of such long days.

To your second point, maybe. They are in therapy. There is as little upheaval and lack of trust in authority that we are trying to overcome. It does seem time to touch base about basic respect. It could be that they are plain tired, too, which isn’t an excuse.

 

[tours]

@convictionofgod My daughter wanted to eat nothing but noodles and crackers when she was a teenager but I held fast to family dinners and now she actually cooks real food for herself in college. I agree with the other comment about insisting that everyone sit down and not complain even if they don’t eat everything. Good luck! It’s so frustrating!

 

[convictionofgod]

@tours I told 15 they only had a very few more years before they would be on their own completely with their food choices and to just hang on. I’d love to see them take an interest in cooking real food once they’re out in the world!

 

[jocelynvenus]

@convictionofgod My 15 year old will OFTEN turn her nose up at what I'm cooking now. I tell her that she can make herself pasta or eggs. Basically, she's on her own if she doesn't want to eat what I'm cooking. Occasionally, if it's convenient I can make her something at the same time. She likes the Hormel turkey and gravy dinners with rice which is easy to just pop in and make at the same time as something else. But, mostly she just has to feed herself.

Is it more that you want 15 to sit at the table whether they eat or not? Can 15 bring whatever they're going to eat to the table and eat it instead of what was made?

 

[rolltider39]

@convictionofgod The kid is a teenager so this is part of for the course.
What I did when my kids were picky is make one meal. They sit at the table with us and they can eat or not. Their choice. Then when meal is done they can get themselves something to eat.

 

[convictionofgod]

@rolltider39 Thank you for your help. I hope we now have a solution that may work. They can grab their own choices of proteins and veggies and sit down with us. Better than what it has been lately - complaints, then straight to crackers.

 

[chadm]

@convictionofgod Mom, He's 15 and old enough to make his own food for dinner.

If my 16 year old doesn't like what my husband cooks for dinner, she's not allowed to complain about it. She must make her own meal. It's usually something simple like a sandwich and vegetables from our family dinner. She's happy with getting to make her own choice in food. And I don't have to hear her whine.

 

[convictionofgod]

@chadm Thank you all for the shared experiences and suggestions.

15 and I talked tonight and agreed they could come up with their own choices of veggies and proteins and sit down with the rest of us. They want their own choices and I want nutritional variety and family time. This could be considered a win for both of us if it works.

 

[ajhnh]

@convictionofgod Persevere with family meals. Not sure how you serve the food but perhaps try putting the food in the centre of the table so everyone helps themselves so it’s a bit more relaxed and the teens are more in control of how much of each thing.

 

[convictionofgod]

@ajhnh Oh yes! Cuts down on food getting thrown out, too! We did have 15 cook for is yesterday! We had pasta Alfredo with homemade sauce! Delicious! And I get it for lunch today

 

[cujones]

@convictionofgod If the important part to you is sitting down together and talking about your day and being connected, maybe you could say this is what I'm making for dinner. If you don't want it, you can make yourself something (and maybe you have a few options of what they can make, not sugary snacks) but I'm not preparing two meals. And then just let it be. I bet there will be times they will want what you're serving, and times when they don't. (and to get ahead of it, I would tell children 2 and 3 that they can make their own choices when they are 15 as well, or something like that, just so it establishes this is not a free for all for everyone!) and I bet if kiddo #1 eats enough cereal for dinner or PBJs or whatever, eventually they will want what you're making.

The truth is, even if you are trying to establish good eating habits, it wont be long until that child is out on their own and can eat whatever they want, regardless of what dinner used to be at mom and dads. So all you can do is model good habits and offer good food.

I also think the suggestion someone else had of them preparing dinner for everyone is a good idea! If they aren't swamped with school and activities, maybe once a week they can make dinner. So on the weekend, they plan out a meal, make sure the ingredients are purchased, and prepare it for everyone (and see how it feels when their hard work goes unappreciated lol)

 

[convictionofgod]

@cujones Thank you. Part of me thinks you’re right that we should let it go in favor of togetherness. Part of me wants to provide protein and veggies. Maybe I can stipulate that and have them fix their own inside those parameters. And occasionally cook for us all inside those same guidelines.

 

[cujones]

@convictionofgod Yes! My teen will basically only eat raw veggies with ranch in the veggie department so I just tell myself it’s better than NO veggies.

 

[huanjo]

@convictionofgod Have 15 help you meal plan, and maybe cook dinner if their schedule allows.

My 14yo is in charge of dinner 2x per week and usually has to plan and then shop for the ingredients for those meals. He struggles with understanding the value of things, and with cleaning so those are the areas where this is very helpful for him. However, with my former step children, putting them in charge of meal planning also really helped with complaints at dinner time!

 

[convictionofgod]

@huanjo Tomorrow is a dinner by 15! And other days they are going to eat what we have or grab their own veggies and protein. I’ll take it if it works out.