AITA for not wanting to go to restaurants with our 13 m.o. twins?

[dm33]

@james02s40 I have a larger twin and a smaller twin. It's been that way since about month 3 and they are 4.5 now

I have literally fed the smaller child straight up butter and she's always in the 20% percentile.

My advice? Don't panic. Some days they will eat more. At restaurants, they may eat less or slower. They may decide they don't like that places seasoning. They may just be taking it all in.

My smaller kid is a slow eater. She takes her sweet time and sometimes doesn't eat before we have paid. She eats a lot of what we call 'car snacks' where she will grab a roll or a piece of chicken or something and just carry it out of the restaurant.

Focus on offering a balanced meal, but if they don't eat, don't force it. Just wait. They typically know their bodies well and just because one isn't growing at the same rate as the other kid doesn't mean they aren't growing. They are different kids completely, being fraternal this is even more true.

At 4.5, my smaller twin is actually still taller than my 'larger' twin. Her bottom still fits in 18m or 2t clothing but the length she needs is 4t.

I'm not trying to feed her more or change her. She has energy. She grows. She just doesn't grow in the same way as her twin sister or even her older sister.

It's hard not to be anxious, but the anxiety around the food will cause its own problems. You are offering a balanced meal, that's what matters.

You've gotten a lot of good advice and I'm reiterating, but hoping showing that being on the small side of the percentile can continue and be normal. It's just in relation to other kids their age and they may just be smaller humans forever. As long as there is weight gain year over year, you've accomplished it. And growth spurts will change eating patterns greatly. I watch my kids go a week grazing and barely eating then dive into 'I will eat a whole cup of rice and half a steak' this meal the next week.

But getting them into restaurants and comfortable at this age is good. At least from our experience, it makes our lives easier. Vacations are easier. Meeting with family and friends is easier. Try and confront that anxiety.

Best of luck! It gets easier and easier with time!

 

[nylah201]

@james02s40 With toddlers, it’s best to focus on making sure they’re getting the nutrients they need within a week rather than a day, and they generally need a lot less than we think. They will go through phases of being hungrier or less hungry than normal, and that’s okay! I would highly suggest following Kids Eat in Color on IG for some tips, tricks, and reassurance that you’re doing great. I’d also gently suggest getting your anxiety around this under control, because it seems like at least one of you is heading for disordered eating at some point. You got this!

 

[mdhess]

@james02s40 Coming from a 56%er and a 15%er. Please please please don’t sit your toddler in the chair eating for three hours straight. That’s really unhealthy and not developmentally appropriate. If he doesn’t want to eat a lot that’s okay and perfectly normal. Some meals will be scarfed down and some meals will not be touched. Toddlers can survive on air and stale goldfish for days. Trying to force him to eat is a battle you will eventually lose, and sitting him around that long to get what you deem “enough” is going to create lifelong unhealthy relationships with food. All you can do is offer balanced meals, it’s up to him whether he eats it or not. Look into intuitive eating. Kids naturally know how much and what kind of food they need and you don’t need to pressure them to have more than that.

 

[callmejoe]

@james02s40 You are not an asshole, but you are likely worrying too much about the eating. We were told that unless they were in the 10th percentile or below it wasn’t really a concern.

You are going to go through lots of different eating stages. My guys are almost 3. We have been through stages where everybody eats everything in sight. Then stages where nobody ever seems to eat anything no matter what I cook or buy. Sometimes
only one eats.

I’ve realized that it’s out of my control and they are going to eat when they want to. If your boy is hungry he will let you know and unless the Doctor tells you he is too small the 25th percentile is not so bad.

Relax man. Being a twin Dad is hard enough without trying to be perfect. You are obviously trying hard and doing an awesome job, but that anxiety will eat you alive if you let it.

 

[rheenah]

@james02s40 I skimmed replies and there’s solid advice already… but I’m not here to give advice. I’m here to give you empathy and maybe even hope if I can.

It sounds like this might be caused by some partially or totally or unprocessed trauma from your own childhood… you mentioned that “ I feel like my own physical development was messed up because my parents didn't really concern themselves with my nutrition from like age 8 on, and I'm dead set on not doing that.”

I think this part of it might be key. And I wish I could give you a HUGE bear hug. I grew up in a hoarding household, which sounds very different from your situation BUT stay with me… I understand how much a tough childhood experience can carry through years later and reallllly rear its head when it’s our turn to be parents. To this day I still experience anxiety-driven feelings in response to certain triggers (for me it’s my parents bringing any unsolicited item into my house or having my son in a very cluttered or dusty environment).

And for me, talk therapy to address my own anger at my childhood and the conditions I grew up in was the difference. To get validation that my childhood home was in fact very abnormal, and it is not wrong of me to feel repulsed by it or feel an unusually strong desire to ensure that my kids have a home that supports enjoyment, friendship, and safety. That talk therapy has 100% been what helped me heal, and start to separate the feelings of anxiety from the need to act on those feelings in a way that affects my husband and kids. It’s been a night and day difference, and I wish the same for you, sooner than you think is possible.

Edit: my twins are on the way, but not here yet. I know it’s gotta be super tough to find time and money for test driving and then doing sessions with a therapist… but I think the wife will support and help cover time and money spent, when you frame it as something to help your marriage and your parenting. She’ll probably be over the moon if you tell her that you worried about your own response that night, talked about it with some friends/online, and decided that talk therapy can help and you’d like to take action to improve her quality of life because you love her.

And I guess I’ll sneak in a second bit of advice try at least three different therapists before you decide it’s not a good fit. It usually takes 3+ tries to really click, and the click makes healing much much sweeter and even faster.

 

[celina17]

@james02s40 Not sure if someone already suggested this site/instagram account. But take a look at "Kids Eat in Color." It is a great resource on feeding kiddos, but especially on feeding picky eaters. It has given me so many tools and so much peace of mind.

As most have said, NAH, but you do seem really triggered and anxious around feeding your smaller boy. Try to keep in mind that if you didn't have a chunky boy to compare to, you would be less likely to fixate on your slim jim's size. I am there with you, my singleton has always been in the 95th percentile. My infant twins are under 10, and always have been. I have like, a twice monthly panic over thier weight gain. Their doctor continually assures me they are fine.

Lots of great advice here, but yes to casual dining establishments. Especially outdoor places. And be an extremely generous tipper, but don't clean after. A quick tidy of the table top, maybe stack the dishes and gather the trash. But definitely dont bother wiping or sweeping. I have worked food service. Messy families is par for the course. As a server/busser you are always going to re-clean. I never once cared if someone did or didn't clean a bit. I always appreciate that cash money though

Your wife's social needs matter too, so I encourage you to make this work at least a few times a month. Ask her to communicate earlier in the day so it doesn't get sprung on you as you walk in the door and you can get into the right mindset.

 

[drow57]

@james02s40 I don’t think you’re unreasonable for not wanting to take your twins to a restaurant- mine are 14mo and it would be no fun for anyone and no end of stress. Agree with the previous poster that coffee and cake is a good compromise- mine can manage 15 mins or so in a cafe, especially if they can nibble some cake too.

However, your anxiety and your wife’s wishes need to be taken into consideration to find a compromise that works for everyone.

Going out with family members might help, although in my experience with my first they promise to assist and then I was left entertaining my 2 year old whilst they tucked in drinking wine and my food went cold. From then on I refused- taking young children out for meals is no fun for parents or the kids. She’s now 4.5 and could sit through a short meal but at 2, no chance.

Otherwise more casual dining options with a social aspect might help- takeaway pizza, or a BBQ rather than a sit down meal.

 

[asvin]

@james02s40 NAH. I'm with you 100%. Maybe 98%, but still.

Taking 13mo twins to a restaurant is a fantastically stupid and futile endeavor. To me it's less about the food and more about the "this is not enjoyable for anyone". She's not wrong to want it, but it just doesn't often work.

You should probably relax about the percentile thing though. Mine have been at like the 8th percentile, they're still small at 6yo. They're fine. Yours will be ok with one rough meal.

If you must go, feed them before and go at off hours, like 2pm or 5pm.

 

[apostolic1]

@james02s40 Hello fellow anxious person with twins! I would say try a super chill place with outdoor seating and go at a non busy time, maybe try an early lunch. A local pizza shop maybe would be good for this. That way there’s things for them to look at, car,people, animals etc., and their noises won’t be a disturbance. Also, everyone likes pizza and if he doesn’t then no big deal, it’s just lunch and you can load him up with the good stuff for dinner! Also, the snack time before you go should be minimized so he’s a little bit hungrier than normal. So maybe just some fruit or something fast to digest so he’s ready to chomp come meal time. Also, CBD for you

 

[wingedove]

@james02s40 I have 15-month old twin boys and we haven't even considered taking them a restaurant. You and the wife are brave! We don't want to be "those people" with the fussy and loud kids who disturb everyone else. Perhaps a year from now depending on their behavior, but we haven't reached that point yet where we feel the need to take them out to eat. Unfortunately, your wife may just need to take a chill pill and wait. Restaurants will still be around a year from now. Your anxiety is completely normal FYI. Fatherhood changes people! your anxiety just means you care and have common sense (IMHO).

Best of luck!

 

[carrieflo]

@james02s40 Less about your anxiety and more about your little guy. We struggled with getting enough food into our little guys. We asked the pediatrician for a referral to a feeding therapist to just get evaluated. It really helped us. Just a thought.