AITA for not wanting to go to restaurants with our 13 m.o. twins?

[rushamania]

@wandererofthewastes Both my babies are on the 9th centile or something for weight. But they are otherwise happy and healthy and developmentally on track. Somedays they eat double portions for every meal, somedays they pick at breakfast and only have breastmilk (and throw all my lovingly made nutritious meals on the floor). That's kids. Mine are 11 months and I'm pretty sure they're only going to get worse!

 

[frank3]

@james02s40 It seems like you're more likely to give him issues with food if you don't manage to get your anxiety under control.

 

[questor_]

@james02s40 Lots of great comments and suggestions here! My three cents (parent and grandparent of fraternal twins):

1. To get some ideas about reducing your food-related anxiety (and especially not transmitting it to your kids), take a look at Ellyn Satter’s work, including Feeding with Love and Good Sense and https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/ .
2. Yes, trying to enjoy restaurants with toddlers, especially two of them, is a lost cause. But suffering with never going out is equally crazy. Figure out ways to go out as a couple or with adult friends, together or separately. If your wife is at home alone all day with the kids, she absolutely needs her own time to get out of the house and do whatever. If you’re peopled out from working all day, maybe you should stay home with them more often while she goes out. It’s fine for couples to have different social needs!
3. The next couple of years will probably be hard, but they will pass soon enough. As long as your kids have frequent access to nutritious food, they will eat when hungry, sometimes not eat much and other times eat more. It will balance out over days and weeks, but don’t expect any toddler to eat three “normal” meals every day. You’ll all be happier!

 

[iheartmacsgaydiack]

@james02s40 My little guy is in the 4th percentile while his sister is in the 61st percentile. Don’t get stuck on that. One meal out will most likely not be enough to cause a significant issue with their weight. And, eating new food in a new place could be a great learning experience for them. That being said, I totally understand your apprehension as far as the chaos is concerned. If I was you I would start small and work my way to a restaurant. A visit to a grandparent’s/aunt’s/uncle’s or friends house. Maybe a more kid friendly place. A place with smaller crowds. I just started taking my now 10 mo old twins to mommy & baby time at the library once a month. I’m not ready for a restaurant, but I think the key will be to not go alone. Not only do I plan for both hubby & myself going, but maybe bringing along grandma or something.

 

[johnvladimir]

@james02s40 Um, does it sound like crazy-town to take 13 month old twins to a resturant? Yes. I'm not taking my nine month olds because that sounds like a lot of work, I assume I'll feel it similarily five months from now.

But once you got there, yeah, you're kind of TA for making your wife get up RIGHT THIS SECOND, while she's eating, because of your anxiety.

Look, one bad meal isn't going to starve your child. I mean, come on now. Maybe plan ahead and bring things you'll know he'll eat. Just always have snacks in the diaper bag.

ETA - My younger brother was almost just skin and bones until he was like, 22. Small appetite. Incredibly picky. But, did he have any serious health issues as a child? No. Was he malnourished? No, he was fine and his doctor felt he was fine. Guess whose now 6'4" and weighs 200 lbs, and whose favorite food is sushi? Yeah, same guy. My parents were exsaperated at what he wouldn't eat, but they didn't push it.

You've aknowledged you are very anxious about this, but I want you to examine what's driving it - that he must have three nutrious meals every day - and really interogate whether that pencils out as a logical concern. If you look across time and across cultures - what kids are feed and when varies greatly. Yes, obvisouly lots of kids do not get enough and are malnourished - but a middle class kid living in a developed western nation? He's not going to starve. He's not going to get rickets.

Pushing him to eat no matter how long it takes could very well be counterproductive. It could make him even more entrenched about not wanting to eat if he's feeling pressured.

Offer him a wide variety of food, have his favorites available, but stop stressing unless your doctor is stressing. So what if he's in the 25th percentile? Is he sticking to his growth curve? If so, you're good. Stop comparing him to his brother. I know it's hard not to when you have twins, but they are different people developing in their own way.

 

[blindy]

@johnvladimir I typed out a very long response, probably to long. You hit all my points with less words.

Also if you and your wife differ in your comfort with the circus that is twins out, then you should discuss that with her ahead of time. She was clearly ok staying and eating a meal in response to what she saw and you saw the same thing and declared it a disaster. Most probably agree that the reality was somewhere in the middle.

 

[katrina2017]

@james02s40 Have you considered going out for a coffee or brunch instead? It's generally less formal than a restaurant, less expensive and takes less time. If the kids are being difficult it's easier to leave early when you're having a coffee vs a full meal at a restaurant.

In my view you're getting the best of both worlds this way - you're teaching your kids how to behave in a restaurant setting (without shoving an ipad in front of their face) without all of the pressure of sitting at a restaurant for an hour.

However, I can feel the anxiety through this post, OP. I'm prone to anxiety too - in my experience it would be valuable to see a therapist about it as it's difficult to manage with small children (let alone twins)

 

[jess1231]

@james02s40 I hated taking my boys to restaurants mostly bc it simply isn’t enjoyable.

I agree with the sentiments around your anxiety so I won’t get into that. Try thinking of the percentiles like this. My son is bigger than 1 in 4 kids his age. Take a look at his growth chart. Is he following his growth projection? That’s what peds are looking for when they look at them. If he suddenly dropped to the 8th percentile that’s cause for concern.

You should follow kids.eat.in.color on Instagram. She talks about the amount of food your toddlers need vs what we think they need. And she’ll talk about nutrition on a weekly basis rather than a need for perfection at every meal. Feedinglittles is another good one.

And then chill. You can’t force your kids to eat. Your job is to offer a nutritious variety of foods and his job is to decide what and how much his body needs. If there’s a true nutritional concern your ped will refer you or you can seek out help. I know it’s hard but you can’t control this whether at home or at a restaurant.

My final word is- go out to eat sometimes. Stick with family friendly places and tip well. Places like Panera are great bc they have to practice restaurant behaviors but you can easily cut and run. It’s terrible with them at this time but this is how they learn how to behave in restaurants. Mine were 13m when Covid hit so they weren’t in restaurants at that age. They’re now 3.5 and we are working on it at local pizza places, Panera and Applebees. Eventually we will be back at our favorite sushi place with them!

 

[almi]

@james02s40 Mine are 2 and we don't really take them to restaurants. If I wanna get out, I do it with a friend while my husband stays back or we get a babysitter and go together. We took them once when they were 14 months and it was zero relaxing for us and we had help. Just not worth the stress and spending money to me haha

 

[msgtcjl]

@james02s40 No assholes here but the lines of communication need to open up.

Your twins percentiles and eating habits sound VERY similar to mine. I almost thought my husband could have been writing this post until you spoke of going to a restaurant with twins. My big twins just turned 3 and we have never taken them out to a restaurant to eat, aside from McDonald’s.

From an outsiders perspective and reading this, your anxiety about feeding your smaller guy is a major issue here. Kids pick up on that stuff and the more pressure there is to eat, the less likely it is that they will eat. It will actually cause them to become more picky. You did not mention in your post that you are trying to persuade your son to eat, please don’t take my comment as accusing you of that. I’m just trying to share the information.

I can sympathize with you. I used to be very anxious and concerned about my smaller twin. Over time, I have had to teach myself not to compare him to his much taller and heavier brother who eats anything put in front of him. This has helped me not focus so much on what the little guy eats. They are different people, after all. Toddlers need less food than we think they do.

That being said, have you spoken to a pediatrician about his eating habits? Is the pediatrician concerned? Could they suggest or create a plan to help him eat more nutritiously? Does your wife share your concerns about your son? My impression here is that you’re overthinking this and it’s consuming you because of your past history. Does your wife know about it?

I would highly suggest following @kids.eat.in.colour on instagram. She is a registered dietitian and has many suggestions on how to help picky eaters, as well as a recipe guide to purchase and tips to prevent picky eating get worse.

 

[nanettetron]

@msgtcjl Upvote for kids eat in Color - she’s rad.

 

[photovid92]

@james02s40 Try breakfast restaurants first. It’s always noisy and there’s usually plenty of other kids around too that no one cares about your babies

 

[simsodep12]

@james02s40 One, let go of expectations when you are out with kids. Everything may go right or you may have to bail after just arriving. Be okay with that. And don’t expect the kids to eat at the restaurant. Take snacks, feed them right before and right after. Plan to make part of your meal their leftovers. And so long as they are happy and safe, enjoy the time as much as you can.

Second, you are hitting a tough spot for restaurants right now. They are old enough to be a PITA but not old enough to teach how to behave at a restaurant. The terrible twos (and threes and fours) are real. My kids just turned five and I feel like I have a decent handle on being able to talk through discipline with them and the “why” of our rules. Some may be because they went to preschool and other adults have reinforced our rules or because they are just older. Either way, you are entering a tough phase THAT WILL PASS. and not every moment is terrible either. But expecting anything to go smooth will turn into resentment.

 

[preston354]

@james02s40 First off, the more you push the food issue, the more he’ll push back. Stop focusing on the percentiles and just focus on whether or not the scale has gone up when he has his checkups. I have 1 twin from each twin set that didn’t even make it onto the growth charts until somewhere in elementary school. However, as long as the pediatrician saw growth on both the height & weight charts, she was fine. Now that they are 17 & 16 they are 5’10 and XC runners. They are just built with a fast metabolism and very slender bodies (and my weekly $300 a week grocery bill proves that they eat now)

Now, onto eating out. That was a nightmare situation until mid elementary school age. The only time it was worth going out, where we could be somewhat noisy and take our time, was lunch. Dinner time was always too busy, too loud and too overstimulating. The restaurant wants to turn tables over quickly, so there’s always that feeling of being rushed. A late lunch or 4pm dinner is better if your family absolutely insists on going out. Look at the menu before you go and order as soon as you sit. The faster you get your food then there’s less sitting time for the kids. And tell the restaurant to bring their drinks with the food, not before. Otherwise they fill up on liquid and are no longer hungry. If you bring sippy cups or little snacks to entertain them until food arrives, then they’re no longer hungry for the meal that was just ordered. Find a different way to keep them entertained until food arrives.

 

[judithmotta]

@james02s40 Agree with most, no Assholes here. Coming from a father of identical 6mos olds, who goes from 0-100 REAL QUICK, and who has a wife that is very laid back, seems like were in the same boat.

PREFEED, I understand she said she was hungry (I get the same from mine), but we had to adjust our schedule to theirs. THEY dictate OUR schedule. I have told friends and family to expect us when we get there.

I feel your pain, I have told my wife again and again I do NOT want to be those parents that have their kids screaming in a restaurant.

The only time we go out to dinner, is with my family. My parents, sister, and nephews are a HUGE help and take the twins as soon as we get there, and hardy every cry (I guess I am lucky)

 

[anglicanpeace]

@james02s40 My pediatrician: “Your job is to provide them nutritious things to eat. Their job is to eat it.” If I’m providing the right things at reasonable timing and they don’t do their job? It’s all good. They can get hungry and eat at another time. One meal or snack won’t ruin a kiddo.

 

[nanettetron]

@james02s40 My twins are the same age as yours, but they are not my first kids. I have absolutely been where you are, and honestly I am there quite often with my older kids. Mealtimes are a STRUGGLE, for so many reasons, for so many years. But I don’t worry about my 13 month old twins when it comes to food, here’s why: some days they eat a ton, sometimes they don’t eat much at all, but I have to trust that they are responding to their own biological cues. Meaning they’ll stop eating when they have had enough, and will absolutely let me know when they need to eat again. Watching cues (and responding to them) will serve you much better than counting calories.

For what it’s worth, one of my twins is also a Chunkyman (hilarious term, btw), the other is so tiny by comparison. But both are healthy, and following consistent, if different, growth curves. My daughter, the smaller twin, has an excellent appetite but has dialed back the nursing quite a bit in the last month. My son never eats as much as his sister in terms of solids, but he’s a nursing champion. I just trust that they’re following their own internal cues, which is exactly what you want (easier said than done, I know.) My older kids (4&7) still go through cycles of voraciously eating everything in sight, and then back to eating like tiny birds. The appetite increase often coincides with a growth spurt. All see their paediatrician on at least an annual basis, and as long as she’s happy, I’m happy.

Also, I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think you are still a relatively new parent trying to do the right thing for your kids. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[michaelaland]

@james02s40 I understand the concern about your smaller guy not eating, but unless your ped is concerned, you might be over thinking and worrying unnecessarily. Both my girls were born low birth weight (5.4 and 4.13). They are 2 now and around 25lbs. Some days they eat a ton, some days it seems like nothing. Our doctor has assured us that it is normal and as long as they are still dirtying diapers, the pickiness is a stage. So unless there is a medical reason your son isn’t eating, try to relax and trust that he will eat when hungry (I know…easier said than done!)

That said, we have never taken our girls out to a restaurant. honestly, I can’t imagine it would be enjoyable trying to entertain & feed them and ourselves…while trying not to annoy other patrons. We save restaurant trips for when we have childcare, that way we can actually relax, enjoy our food and have a conversation without constantly having to respond to “mommy! Mommy! Daddy! Daddy!” Alternatives might be getting takeout and having a picnic or bringing another couple who is willing to help with the boys so everyone has a chance to eat and/ or letting wife have a girls night so she can still socialize. Or maybe try restaurants with a more kid friendly atmosphere?

 

[meehan8381]

@james02s40 Our twins are 13 months as well and both are on the tiny-er side. We had a really great restaurant experience on their first birthday and we've used that as our model for all future restaurant experiences (not that we've had many since or plan on having them frequently).

What's worked for us:

• Plan to go shortly after their nap so they're in a good mood
• Call ahead to make sure they have two high chairs and that we will be able to use both
• Read the menu ahead of time so we know what we're ordering for the kids and what we're ordering for ourselves
• Ask if we can bring our stroller in and park it next to the table
• Bring cheerios/puffs
• Have suction cup toys to stick to the table
• Bring dog poop bags to clean up any floor food (also helpful just to have on hand for diapers, dirty clothes, and other situations!)
• Put the kids' order in when we get there and tell them to bring it when it's ready
• Ask for the check and a to go box when our entrees arrive in case of meltdown
• Have an iPad with some Cocomelon episodes downloaded as a last resort

Bonus - bring additional adults with you. Friends, family. Whoever. More adults than babies is ideal.

 

[chestertonleddihn]

@james02s40 It screams anxiety to me and believe me, I know what I'm talking about, I'm on meds for it. I suggest talking to your doctor about it.

But honestly, you'll never be able to get your kids all the nutrients they need every single day. Kids are super picky. And, speaking from experience with two picky kids... they'll be fine. Promise.

That being said, from what you told us, I wouldn't take them out to restaurants if "their noise fills the entire restaurant." Other customers won't find it cute. That's why we skipped restaurants for a while, out of respect for other patrons.