AITA for not wanting to go to restaurants with our 13 m.o. twins?

[rushamania]

@wandererofthewastes Both my babies are on the 9th centile or something for weight. But they are otherwise happy and healthy and developmentally on track. Somedays they eat double portions for every meal, somedays they pick at breakfast and only have breastmilk (and throw all my lovingly made nutritious meals on the floor). That's kids. Mine are 11 months and I'm pretty sure they're only going to get worse!

 

[frank3]

@james02s40 It seems like you're more likely to give him issues with food if you don't manage to get your anxiety under control.

 

[questor_]

@james02s40 Lots of great comments and suggestions here! My three cents (parent and grandparent of fraternal twins):

1. To get some ideas about reducing your food-related anxiety (and especially not transmitting it to your kids), take a look at Ellyn Satter’s work, including Feeding with Love and Good Sense and https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/ .
2. Yes, trying to enjoy restaurants with toddlers, especially two of them, is a lost cause. But suffering with never going out is equally crazy. Figure out ways to go out as a couple or with adult friends, together or separately. If your wife is at home alone all day with the kids, she absolutely needs her own time to get out of the house and do whatever. If you’re peopled out from working all day, maybe you should stay home with them more often while she goes out. It’s fine for couples to have different social needs!
3. The next couple of years will probably be hard, but they will pass soon enough. As long as your kids have frequent access to nutritious food, they will eat when hungry, sometimes not eat much and other times eat more. It will balance out over days and weeks, but don’t expect any toddler to eat three “normal” meals every day. You’ll all be happier!

 

[iheartmacsgaydiack]

@james02s40 My little guy is in the 4th percentile while his sister is in the 61st percentile. Don’t get stuck on that. One meal out will most likely not be enough to cause a significant issue with their weight. And, eating new food in a new place could be a great learning experience for them. That being said, I totally understand your apprehension as far as the chaos is concerned. If I was you I would start small and work my way to a restaurant. A visit to a grandparent’s/aunt’s/uncle’s or friends house. Maybe a more kid friendly place. A place with smaller crowds. I just started taking my now 10 mo old twins to mommy & baby time at the library once a month. I’m not ready for a restaurant, but I think the key will be to not go alone. Not only do I plan for both hubby & myself going, but maybe bringing along grandma or something.

 

[johnvladimir]

@james02s40 Um, does it sound like crazy-town to take 13 month old twins to a resturant? Yes. I'm not taking my nine month olds because that sounds like a lot of work, I assume I'll feel it similarily five months from now.

But once you got there, yeah, you're kind of TA for making your wife get up RIGHT THIS SECOND, while she's eating, because of your anxiety.

Look, one bad meal isn't going to starve your child. I mean, come on now. Maybe plan ahead and bring things you'll know he'll eat. Just always have snacks in the diaper bag.

ETA - My younger brother was almost just skin and bones until he was like, 22. Small appetite. Incredibly picky. But, did he have any serious health issues as a child? No. Was he malnourished? No, he was fine and his doctor felt he was fine. Guess whose now 6'4" and weighs 200 lbs, and whose favorite food is sushi? Yeah, same guy. My parents were exsaperated at what he wouldn't eat, but they didn't push it.

You've aknowledged you are very anxious about this, but I want you to examine what's driving it - that he must have three nutrious meals every day - and really interogate whether that pencils out as a logical concern. If you look across time and across cultures - what kids are feed and when varies greatly. Yes, obvisouly lots of kids do not get enough and are malnourished - but a middle class kid living in a developed western nation? He's not going to starve. He's not going to get rickets.

Pushing him to eat no matter how long it takes could very well be counterproductive. It could make him even more entrenched about not wanting to eat if he's feeling pressured.

Offer him a wide variety of food, have his favorites available, but stop stressing unless your doctor is stressing. So what if he's in the 25th percentile? Is he sticking to his growth curve? If so, you're good. Stop comparing him to his brother. I know it's hard not to when you have twins, but they are different people developing in their own way.

 

[blindy]

@johnvladimir I typed out a very long response, probably to long. You hit all my points with less words.

Also if you and your wife differ in your comfort with the circus that is twins out, then you should discuss that with her ahead of time. She was clearly ok staying and eating a meal in response to what she saw and you saw the same thing and declared it a disaster. Most probably agree that the reality was somewhere in the middle.

 

[katrina2017]

@james02s40 Have you considered going out for a coffee or brunch instead? It's generally less formal than a restaurant, less expensive and takes less time. If the kids are being difficult it's easier to leave early when you're having a coffee vs a full meal at a restaurant.

In my view you're getting the best of both worlds this way - you're teaching your kids how to behave in a restaurant setting (without shoving an ipad in front of their face) without all of the pressure of sitting at a restaurant for an hour.

However, I can feel the anxiety through this post, OP. I'm prone to anxiety too - in my experience it would be valuable to see a therapist about it as it's difficult to manage with small children (let alone twins)

 

[jess1231]

@james02s40 I hated taking my boys to restaurants mostly bc it simply isn’t enjoyable.

I agree with the sentiments around your anxiety so I won’t get into that. Try thinking of the percentiles like this. My son is bigger than 1 in 4 kids his age. Take a look at his growth chart. Is he following his growth projection? That’s what peds are looking for when they look at them. If he suddenly dropped to the 8th percentile that’s cause for concern.

You should follow kids.eat.in.color on Instagram. She talks about the amount of food your toddlers need vs what we think they need. And she’ll talk about nutrition on a weekly basis rather than a need for perfection at every meal. Feedinglittles is another good one.

And then chill. You can’t force your kids to eat. Your job is to offer a nutritious variety of foods and his job is to decide what and how much his body needs. If there’s a true nutritional concern your ped will refer you or you can seek out help. I know it’s hard but you can’t control this whether at home or at a restaurant.

My final word is- go out to eat sometimes. Stick with family friendly places and tip well. Places like Panera are great bc they have to practice restaurant behaviors but you can easily cut and run. It’s terrible with them at this time but this is how they learn how to behave in restaurants. Mine were 13m when Covid hit so they weren’t in restaurants at that age. They’re now 3.5 and we are working on it at local pizza places, Panera and Applebees. Eventually we will be back at our favorite sushi place with them!

 

[almi]

@james02s40 Mine are 2 and we don't really take them to restaurants. If I wanna get out, I do it with a friend while my husband stays back or we get a babysitter and go together. We took them once when they were 14 months and it was zero relaxing for us and we had help. Just not worth the stress and spending money to me haha

 

[msgtcjl]

@james02s40 No assholes here but the lines of communication need to open up.

Your twins percentiles and eating habits sound VERY similar to mine. I almost thought my husband could have been writing this post until you spoke of going to a restaurant with twins. My big twins just turned 3 and we have never taken them out to a restaurant to eat, aside from McDonald’s.

From an outsiders perspective and reading this, your anxiety about feeding your smaller guy is a major issue here. Kids pick up on that stuff and the more pressure there is to eat, the less likely it is that they will eat. It will actually cause them to become more picky. You did not mention in your post that you are trying to persuade your son to eat, please don’t take my comment as accusing you of that. I’m just trying to share the information.

I can sympathize with you. I used to be very anxious and concerned about my smaller twin. Over time, I have had to teach myself not to compare him to his much taller and heavier brother who eats anything put in front of him. This has helped me not focus so much on what the little guy eats. They are different people, after all. Toddlers need less food than we think they do.

That being said, have you spoken to a pediatrician about his eating habits? Is the pediatrician concerned? Could they suggest or create a plan to help him eat more nutritiously? Does your wife share your concerns about your son? My impression here is that you’re overthinking this and it’s consuming you because of your past history. Does your wife know about it?

I would highly suggest following @kids.eat.in.colour on instagram. She is a registered dietitian and has many suggestions on how to help picky eaters, as well as a recipe guide to purchase and tips to prevent picky eating get worse.