Accepted my fate that I am just a vessel for my kids and this lifetime will be spent living in the shadows. Single mother of 4, 30 y/o

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acts2031

New member
I am 30, soon to be 31. I have always considered myself to be the hopeless romantic type. Obviously, I have allowed my heart to lead my life….because I wanted to build a family and did not allow myself to really analyze the partner I chose to father my kids. In short, their father has always lusted over women and was not fully happy with me. Now I’m a single mom by choice because I don’t want to be cheated on.

I dreamt of building a family that I never had. A loving one. Now, as I realize men do not want to date single moms, I have accepted my fate that I’m just alive to raise my kids. I have completely given up on love. Recently read a post saying that men see single mothers as a pass time.

Don’t even want to get started on the bitterness I have towards their father. Because, if you didn’t want me, why did you allow us to continue growing our family?

At times, I have a small (extremely small) ounce of hope that maybe in 30 years I will find a man who has his own bundle of kids, perhaps grown at that time, and now wants to find his own happiness.

Until now, I’ll admire lovely couples who are enjoying life and cheer for them from afar. As for myself, I am at peace knowing that I have to raise my kids to the best of my ability and prioritize their happiness over mine. Hopefully they don’t grow up to remember their mother as being a sad, frustrated mom. Trying my best to hide any sadness and pretend like life is alright.
 
@acts2031 My stepmom married my dad in her 40s. She had four kids, two still living at home. He had five kids, four still living at home. They’re happier together than they ever were before. Definitely gives me hope. Don’t give up!
 
@acts2031 Single doesn’t have to mean miserable. I only have one kid and I’d have time to date but I’d rather spend my energy elsewhere. Most people I know who are in relationships are miserable. I’m not. I have a job and hobbies I enjoy and I decide what, when, and how to do everything in my life. It’s very empowering.

Your kids need to know you have a life beyond them so pursue one. Make friends, join groups, volunteer. Kids grow up and if you did your job well they will be independent even before they leave you. Don’t make them your whole identity. Cultivating other interests also makes you more attractive to the opposite sex if that’s what you want but you may find you enjoy it for yourself. Even people in happy relationships should have individual interests and activities.

Finally, be grateful for the losers who tell you they don’t want to date a woman with children. They make it easy to avoid them because your kids are package deal and anyone who is worthy of being in their life and yours should know how lucky they are to get such a family. You deserve more than to be something someone settled for. Start by loving yourself and you won’t need it from anyone else, sis.
 
@jc4us This is where I am at right now. I can do things like travel and get to do less chores now that dad is gone. Also, kick-starting my career.
 
@acts2031 I am gaining a new career as well! I have a lot I want to do, and relationships are not one do them at the moment. I do think about the future a lot, and I try to grieve once a year the growth of my kids, yes intentionally, so I’m not going through empty nest syndrome when they grow up and move away. I feel like pple get let life rush by and don’t really take the time to reflect in the moment and that leads to the shock when it’s all over, which can lead to depression, one that may last a long time.
 
@jc4us This! Single mumming it can be very empowering. You get to decide how your life turns out. Men are a distraction and often a hinderance so don’t worry about ‘em.
 
@mrkidzeal Yes exactly! I have no desire whatsoever to live with another man. And right now my free time is so precious I would never choose to spend it with a stranger over my good friends.
 
@acts2031 Don’t lose hope. I’m a single dad and when I date, I date single mothers exclusively. They know how important being a parent is. They understand if I can’t make it somewhere or that I have to cancel something because my kid is sick or something. I know most single mothers have an innate ability for patience and understanding.

Last time a dated a woman who was childless, she legit asked me one time why my son gets more time and love than she did. Was genuinely mad at me for going to watch my son play a hockey game instead of just coming over to her place to watch movies.

Single moms are the best.
 
@feudum You know what, that sounds like a good dating tip— parents only! If we have the hearts to raise little ones….we definitely have the hearts to care for a partner!

My fellow single-mom friends pay extra attention to how active a dad is in a child’s life.
 
@acts2031 It’s usually a good indicator. Dads get a lot of shit for bailing or being deadbeats. There’s certainly a reason those dad stereotypes exist, but a solid majority of us love being dads. I divorced my son’s mother, not my son! He is my whole world
 
@feudum Not all childless women are like that. I dated a girl 13 yrs younger than me a couple years ago and she was amazing. Childhood trauma on her end (she was 22 at the time) ultimately led to things falling apart, but she showed me how to be loved and what a good relationship is supposed to look like. Before her, it was either toxic relationships or short-term time wasters.
 
@acts2031 You sound like me. Single mom of one, I only ever really dated one guy, he completely ruined me and I seriously never want to date again. I sometimes want somebody but then I enjoy coming home and it being quiet and it’s just me and my daughter.
 
@acts2031 There are so many people on this planet. There are good men who don’t see a number of children, they see the woman. There are guys who love dating moms. There are great men who step in, step up and raise children they did not father. Love yourself, love your kids, heal the parts of you that believe you don’t deserve whatever it is you desire for your life and you will find your person. Or maybe several persons. Or maybe you’ll decide “fuck having a partner, I just want a cool guy to date here and there on my own terms.” 🤷🏻‍♀️
 
@bkcutler7 This is the path that I’m going through now. Shifting my focus from relationship-oriented to just living life getting prettier and healthier. Of course, have fun…which is something I did not have with my ex.
 
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