Accepted my fate that I am just a vessel for my kids and this lifetime will be spent living in the shadows. Single mother of 4, 30 y/o
- Thread starter acts2031
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katrina2017
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@james685 I hate small talk, I hate the process of trying to get comfortable with a complete stranger who I know intentions are in the intimate field, if they say start off as friends, it doesn’t help, bc what does it end with? I don’t like the pressure, I don’t want to open up to someone I don’t even know, even getting to know them, my guard is up, and who knows if I’ll let it down. When I did date, all but two became obsessive over a few weeks period. Some younger then me, (only by a couple years) most were childless, I didn’t understand and still don’t, why they behave In this way, it only runs women off.
@acts2031 While many men are assholes, not all are/you never know what the future holds.
However the thing is you don't need a man to have a happy, fulfilled life.
So while it's important to raise your kids as best you can, you should also spend some time reconnecting with yourself.
Finding that person who you were before the toxic ex, and your children arrived into your life.
If you can't go out and do things, I'd highly recommend creating or joining online groups on discord or other soical medica apps which meet online for an hour to two each week. They are often built around hobbies and the like and it's good to spend time around others doing something you enjoy(as a means to build up yourself in contexts outside of being a mom or romantic partner).
So if you like movies, writing, painting, crafting whatever go forth and interact with those like minded types.
Then also (even if only for a half hour each day) squeeze in time to do things you want for yourself. So go read, or learn math or an instrument or history or cooking or anything you've ever wanted to try, a little bit each day.
Also work into your time with your kids little things like going for walks at a park, or yoga with your kids, or some other random physical activity. As just moving a out for 15 or 20 minutes a few times a week can do wonders for your mood and overall sense of wellness.
Do the above will help you find yourself again, which is important Since one day your kids will move out and on with their lives, so you need to build yourself and not define your existence only by what you can give others.
I know it isn't easy op, but if you put in the work it will eventually lead you to what you're currently missing.
Will save you from becoming that person you're afraid you'll become.
However the thing is you don't need a man to have a happy, fulfilled life.
So while it's important to raise your kids as best you can, you should also spend some time reconnecting with yourself.
Finding that person who you were before the toxic ex, and your children arrived into your life.
If you can't go out and do things, I'd highly recommend creating or joining online groups on discord or other soical medica apps which meet online for an hour to two each week. They are often built around hobbies and the like and it's good to spend time around others doing something you enjoy(as a means to build up yourself in contexts outside of being a mom or romantic partner).
So if you like movies, writing, painting, crafting whatever go forth and interact with those like minded types.
Then also (even if only for a half hour each day) squeeze in time to do things you want for yourself. So go read, or learn math or an instrument or history or cooking or anything you've ever wanted to try, a little bit each day.
Also work into your time with your kids little things like going for walks at a park, or yoga with your kids, or some other random physical activity. As just moving a out for 15 or 20 minutes a few times a week can do wonders for your mood and overall sense of wellness.
Do the above will help you find yourself again, which is important Since one day your kids will move out and on with their lives, so you need to build yourself and not define your existence only by what you can give others.
I know it isn't easy op, but if you put in the work it will eventually lead you to what you're currently missing.
Will save you from becoming that person you're afraid you'll become.
blmartinez
New member
@acts2031 I could have written this myself. 33, mom of 4. Lied to about how he wanted the same things. The last 2 years have been horrible. Rebuilding my friend group is helping. Dating looks scary, it really does seem like most men just want hookups but I will still try. You are not alone mama, our happy ever after WILL come.
@acts2031 I divorced my ex husband when I was 29 with 4 kids. Now I’m 33 and I have full custody of my 4 kiddos, but I’ve been able to date more than I thought I would. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, learned a lot about myself and what I’m looking for, and had some great experiences. It’s taught me to be more present. At first, I was nervous about dating since I have 4 kids, but it hasn’t been too big of a deal. I’m confident about myself and my family, and I think people can see that. I’m still young, as are you, so there’s time to meet someone. I’d love to meet a man who also has kids and who has been divorced, but it might take time. A lot of people our age are just starting to have kids, whereas mine are all in school. I did delete the apps to put my energy towards myself and accomplishing my goals, but I also want to meet people IRL. So we’ll see what happens. But please don’t be ashamed of having 4 kids and trying to date; that can make it hard because that gives that feeling of shame energy. You are a super woman and what you are doing is amazing. Four kids isn’t easy, so be proud that you can manage a lot! You got this!
@uziel This is an amazing response. Thank you!
I have been single for well over a year. When I was in a relationship with my ex, he’d never take me out on dates or take us out as a family. I shouldn’t say never but it was extremely rare. When he lived here in the home, I had to do more chores because he is a man-child. Now that we are separated, he is forced to take care of his kids…meaning, I now can have some time to myself! It feels nice that I can grab my purse and keys and hit the mall or go to a bookstore. Motherhood has taken over my life, I feel and look exhausted. But I’m slowly getting back into self care. I have been told by men that I am good looking. I’m educated. I definitely value myself lol. There’s definitely some hope. Ngl, I like to cut the fat from the meat straight up by telling men I’m a mom of 4– I love when men cancel themselves quickly.
I have been single for well over a year. When I was in a relationship with my ex, he’d never take me out on dates or take us out as a family. I shouldn’t say never but it was extremely rare. When he lived here in the home, I had to do more chores because he is a man-child. Now that we are separated, he is forced to take care of his kids…meaning, I now can have some time to myself! It feels nice that I can grab my purse and keys and hit the mall or go to a bookstore. Motherhood has taken over my life, I feel and look exhausted. But I’m slowly getting back into self care. I have been told by men that I am good looking. I’m educated. I definitely value myself lol. There’s definitely some hope. Ngl, I like to cut the fat from the meat straight up by telling men I’m a mom of 4– I love when men cancel themselves quickly.
katrina2017
New member
@uziel It’s four more people to love and who loves you back. Agree. I’ve never been ashamed of having my kids and that thought anyone should be made to feel that way is disturbing. We are talking about little human beings, innocent at that, are worth way more than anyone who makes you feel shamed for having them.
christiansarecrazy
New member
@acts2031 I’ve come to this same conclusion in the last few days. I will be 35 in a couple months.. I have 2 boys, an 8 and an almost 2 year old. I’m single for the same reason as you, I refuse to be cheated on repeatedly. The man took our infant to another woman’s house.
It’s not the worst thing. We can be completely in the moment with our kids. We will show them that self love is important because we didn’t stay with someone who wasn’t honest. We can make their childhood memories happy. It’s going to be lonely no doubt, but full of love for sure.
It’s not the worst thing. We can be completely in the moment with our kids. We will show them that self love is important because we didn’t stay with someone who wasn’t honest. We can make their childhood memories happy. It’s going to be lonely no doubt, but full of love for sure.
@christiansarecrazy He took your son to the mistress house?! Wow. Well one thing is for sure, you’re going to raise these boys to not end up treating women like that.
christiansarecrazy
New member
@acts2031 Yes he did! They were together a whole month before she left my fool baby daddy for her kids dad. It was Jerry Springer live in my life for a while there.
I am going to raise them to be kind to all kinds. I do worry about him seeing his dad’s treatment of others and how it will affect him.
I am going to raise them to be kind to all kinds. I do worry about him seeing his dad’s treatment of others and how it will affect him.
katrina2017
New member
@christiansarecrazy Haha my ex could have written jerry springer himself, I just refused to play into his drama. He was ordering stuff for the other women and sending it to our house, he was too comfortable thinking he was the “king”. Then he man child told me I needed to pay him back (I was married to him, had not left him yet, he claimed it was for his sister, and he forced me out of my career, friends and family) to be isolated in no where vile while he was away 10 months out of the year. The clothes were size small, his sister is a 1x. So how dumb do I look. I simply put it in the fire pit. Pay him back, 
I realize there is so much drama and yet the same men claim they don’t want women with drama.
I realize there is so much drama and yet the same men claim they don’t want women with drama.katrina2017
New member
Cause men order their sisters clothes, not their wives. He never bought me any clothes, never.or when he was 32 in the military, sleeping with the 18-19 year olds he was recruiting. “I can’t help if it girls flirt with me I’m not doing anything” I was younger than him, and at the time, a lot more naive.you know what girls of that age do? Seek out the wife on social media and give the guys up when they were burned. And that’s what they did. And he always made up some “good” lie on the spot. I got to where I ignored him and emotionally checked out before I left.
katrina2017
New member
mrmarkyboy
New member
@acts2031 I am only 5 months into my divorce and I can’t even picture trying exactly for this reason. Sometimes I think what quality is even left out there? I know it’s not true but being divorced feels like a scar on my name, and anyone else’s. Like if I meet a man who is divorced I think what went wrong? What is them or the ex or both… sooo many questions so much baggage. Sigh. Maybe in 10 years I will meet someone. Maybe you will too. I am expecting the worst hoping for the best. My kids are forever, and nothing else in my life is right now besides me… that is what I’m focusing on my kids and myself.
@mrmarkyboy I hear you. Unfortunately, we are in an age group where 80% have at least one divorce. It’s a risk spending time to find out if he was the reason for the divorce.
mrmarkyboy
New member
katrina2017
New member
@mrmarkyboy If you don’t know the reason, and you get with them, you’ll soon find the reason 
katrina2017
New member
@mrmarkyboy Or the guys in their forties never married. I think the same, dating two, and dodged a bullet, they thought they were too good for everyone, had a laundry list they expected, bc they waited so long, it was like stuck in sunk cost fallacy. Wanting me to have a kid with them, bc they don’t have “their” own yet, expecting some awesome salary from my end, although aware I’m fairly newly divorced, three kids, expecting me to be able to pick up and travel, be available for them all the time, and flirt and entertain them like a 20 something free spirit, while this is what I got in return, a pic of their dinner or them golfing talking about their new air jordons. Yay!