A bigger age gap can be a good thing

[tantman]

My first is 4 months old and, so far, is a unicorn - sleeps beautifully, rarely cries, is perfectly healthy, and loves to smile.

I’ve been super on the fence about adding a second. I love the idea of having more love in the family and giving him a sibling, as well as the chance of having a daughter, but I’m terrified of having a baby that doesn’t sleep/cries all the time and not being able to give my son the attention he deserves.

Then it hit me: why not just space them out by several years?

Here’s my reasoning:

Dealing with a difficult baby will be much easier when the other is sleeping consistently, can dress and feed themselves, is in school every day, and can go on play dates without me. Not to mention they might be willing to help! (I.e. get mom a drink, watch baby for a minute while I pee, etc.)

My first will get several years of my undivided attention, and the second will get the same once the first is older.

Many only children say they loved being an only when they were kids and only started wishing they had a sibling as an adult. Age differences are way less significant as adults (ie. the difference between a 30 year old and a 35 year old is pretty small) so it won’t prevent them from being able to relate to each other as adults.

The first may enjoy taking on a more caring role, and that could be a bond as beautiful as any other.

ETA: I can get back to my career for a few years, advance, make some money and save before taking another maternity leave.

Most importantly though, it makes me excited about having a second versus dreading it.

Can you think of any other reasons to spread kids out by 5+ years?

Tl;dr - if you want a bigger family but don’t want two little ones at the same time, know that you don’t have to! There are so many awesome reasons to space your kids out by several years.

ETA: I realize thinking this way is a privilege of being relatively young (I’m 29) and not every parent has the luxury of time. But if you do, don’t be afraid to take your time!

 

[fullofjoy]

@tantman Someone here once made the point that it’s okay to rest between them and it really resonated with me a lot. I want a couple years of rest. I am not a “power through the baby phase back to back” kind of person. I want to settle into our little routine, enjoy having a toddler/preschooler, and honestly I want to forget a little bit how hard the newborn stage was. At least get some distance from it. I am looking forward to a breather in between kids!

 

[tantman]

@fullofjoy Yes this!! I’m the same way - I want to enjoy and savour my children’s baby stage, not power through it.

 

[yahu_]

@fullofjoy This is me . I don’t want to suffer for the sake of suffering and I like just having the one now. I’m a fence sitter and this age (2.5yo) is NOT easy as it is. I can’t imagine adding a baby right now. But next year, when he’s turning 4, sounds much more manageable!

 

[wiscguy]

@tantman My husband and his brother are 6 years apart - my MIL mentioned that it took that long for her to be ready to have a second. My husband doesn't seem to have any downside and enjoyed having an older brother who could buy him booze when he was in high school.

I've come to realize that age gap really isn't a huge deal at the end of the day and having parents who get to enjoy time with their kids is more important. I don't necessarily have 5+ years to wait (had my first at 32), but I'm no longer in a rush to have a 2nd, if we decide to have one at all.

On the flip side, the further out we are (at 19 months now), I can also see the appeal of just getting it over with. Like the baby years are fast, but sometimes even now the thought of going back to dealing with a newborn/young infant does not sound fun (and my kid was pretty easy!). Plus, I don't want to have to wait do age restricted things with my family (like a white water rafting trip where everyone has to be 8+).

Feels so much better though to not feel like I'm in a rush!

 

[lilybetofthevalley]

@wiscguy Yes it’s so hard to think about going back to square one with the baby phase once you’re out of it! I’m kind of hoping baby fever will kick in at some point but so far it hasn’t.

 

[christbeloved]

@tantman BIG benefit: you aren't paying two daycare bills at the same time. One of my personal benefits is that it gives me more time to work on my fitness and health, so I can have a healthier second pregnancy.

I always thought I wanted my kids close together, but it's looking my oldest will be seven or so by the time I get around to having another one. The more I think about it, the more benefits I see. I personally have large age gaps (6 and 8 years) between my siblings and myself, and now that we're all adults, it's pretty insignificant.

 

[tantman]

@christbeloved Totally! And you also get a bit more time to save for college lol

 

[lilybetofthevalley]

@tantman I needed to hear this. I have a 3 year old and I am 29. Realizing my first will be at least 4 before she has a sibling is a little sad but I agree with your points. The newborn phase wrecked me and when we started considering a second the pandemic happened and I didn’t want to have a baby during a pandemic (not knocking anyone who does - I just struggled so much with my first I did not want to add another complication).

From a personal perspective I got along way more with my youngest brother (5 year age difference) than my other brother (2 year age difference) when we were children. We all get along fine now. I loved “helping” with the baby when he was born and there was no sibling rivalry or competitiveness.

 

[jazzyd777]

@tantman This is actually what the "science" says! That either a

 

[tantman]

@jazzyd777 Oh interesting!! I actually didn’t know the science supported my feeling but that’s certainly validating haha.

 

[lillianjacks]

@jazzyd777 Great point, thanks for sharing! I just found this thread. Our son will be 3 in August. We thought we’d be ready for a second but there’s no way I could handle being pregnant/having a baby right now. Having an almost three-nager is way harder than we expected. Do you have a link for the research you found? Would love to have the science to support our decision.

 

[angelj]

@tantman Also, I LOVE the baby stage (toddlers, not so much). But I really wanted to savor my short time with each baby without a toddler tantrum-ing, running away, pooping on the floor etc. My first two are 3.3 years apart and it was just about doable. Our second and third will be almost 5 yrs apart and I’m even more excited about those ages. That said, agree with you that it is a privilege to be able to have that choice- parents have to have the first while young-ish.

 

[tantman]

@angelj I also love the baby stage (so far).

 

[lulahigley]

@tantman I think about this a lot, my daughter is 18 months and IF I were to have another, which I really don’t think I will, I always thought a bigger age gap would be great for all the reasons you listed. However, when my daughter is out of nappies, dressing herself, putting herself to bed, going to school - am I really going to want to go back to the sleepless nights, the constant nappies, and the never getting a minute to myself? It’s just a question I ask myself a lot, because I’m still a little on the fence.

 

[tantman]

@lulahigley Totally understand the hesitation to “go backwards”!

 

[kdm1984]

@tantman I have 3 and they are 8 years apart each. Which is an incredibly long time of child care. If I had the choice I would have liked to have the third sooner. Maybe have the second after 6 years and the third after 3 years.

Yes, the older ones can dress themselves and set the table, but they are not really helping that much. They produce a lot of laundry and they eat tons.

However, the real challenge is to keep up with three different lifes of people you love, the daycare and playground life of mini, the bike tour, adventure with friends and reading and playing board games together life of midi and the fridge, bed head, loud music, high school life of maxi. I am a bit torn...

So, gaps are fine, but be careful of them not getting too wide, I'd say. I still love my life AND my kids, but the gaps aren't perfect...

 

[tantman]

@kdm1984 Yeah 8 years is a pretty long gap between 3, especially between the oldest and youngest. I can totally see how that gets tricky. I’m 7 years older than my little brother and there were certainly times when it wasn’t ideal.

 

[traceyn]

@tantman This is not what you are suggesting, but I also think the success or otherwise of all of this stuff comes down to parenting too. There are 10 and 12 years between me and my older siblings. Although I was planned, once I became a preschooler, my parents seemed to have been finished with children and did not really adapt their lives to a small child. I was often very lonely and very bored. This would have been different if they had considered things differently and tried to involve me in activities or brought me to child-friendly places. My kids’ (3 and 1) cousins are teenagers now too.

 

[katrina2017]

@traceyn this exactly. i never did “little kid stuff.” my older brothers are 11 and 7 years older than me and, while i also was planned, i was more of an after thought. thank you for making this point. i didn’t realize why i was so averse to having a child much later than my toddler (we are still undecided).