5 years into WTT, I’m done waiting

H

hagiang3396

New member
Husband and I have been married for 5 years. I’m 30, he’s 28. I was clear about wanting to have kids in a few years when we have settled down more, and have more money. The whole 9 yards. We make pretty good money now, enough to have a few bucks in savings. I’ve traded in my unreliable undergrad car for a nice, reliable mom SUV, have awesome health insurance and we have a 4 bedroom house now. I feel like we’ve had that “newly wed” thing done. We’ve traveled, moved to a new state and had established our careers.

So...what now? I’ve been itching for a baby the past 3 years but the husband wasn’t “ready”. Last week he had mentioned that we should start trying. I was fucking ecstatic, I was so happy that I cried. I started peeing on ovulation test strips and checked my temperatures, cleaned up my diet immediately. I looked at environment friendly diaper subscriptions. Car seats. Birth centers. I fucking ordered baby bonnets and looked at Montessori preschools in areas we could possibly move to in the next few years. (No, he doesn’t know that i did all this. Just the ovulation strips) I was beyond ready. And today he drops a bomb saying he takes that back, and isn’t so sure if he is ready yet anymore, and not so sure if he will be for a while. We had a huge fight.

I’m devastated. I almost feel like I just had a miscarriage. Now I’m scrounging to unfollow baby accounts on Instagram I followed this week because I cannot bare to look at them. I tossed the rest of the ovulation test strips, the BBT thermometer, and my prenatal that I’ve been taking the past 3 years that I was ready for a baby. I almost want to take leftover birth control from last year just so I can fuck up my cycle so don’t have to look at my fertile vaginal mucus when I ovulate in the next couple of days. I don’t know. I didn’t tell anyone about it, just because I don’t want anyone to know just how badly I want to have a baby. I’m so sad.
 
@hagiang3396 I think you two should go to couples’ therapy.

It’s okay for your husband to not be ready. It’s okay for you to really want a baby. But it’s not okay to both be unable to talk honestly and openly with each other about what you want.
 
@chaoticjoy3 Yeah, and while I don’t know exactly what went down, it sounds like OP’s husband just kinda dropped a huge bomb, and that seems....insensitive. Certainly the sort of thing to want to talk about in a therapy situation.
 
@hagiang3396 I've been through this exact thing with my husband.. TWICE.
I have no advice. It hurts so badly every time.
I feel like I've got no control over the situation and I'm just waiting for permission to have my baby, like a child waiting for permission to eat the candy bar. It's crushing.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.
Big love to you.
 
@calimom86 That’s EXACTLY how I’m feeling. Thank you for articulating what I couldn’t. I’m so sorry this happened to you twice. I don’t think I could do it again. I’m feeling super resentful too, because i was perfectly “fine” in my bubble pretending I didn’t want a baby, just enjoying my life not haunt responsibilities whenever people would ask about a kid. He was the one that said something about trying. Not me. I was just waiting for a permission.
 
@hagiang3396 Couples therapy really helped my husband and I get on the same page and develop a mutual timeline. I was in your shoes - husband gave me a date that we could start trying, and then he backed out of it. With a few months of therapy we were able to decide on a date and he has stuck to it thus far! Good wishes to you both! It’ll all work out in the end.
 
@hagiang3396 Is there a reason for the sudden change? It’s a bit jerking to go from let’s start trying to not ready after all. Maybe it didn’t become real until you started doing the strips?
 
@zigsmom91 He’s kind of in a limbo with his job. Does he leave the current one and go for another? A lot of it will get determined on Monday when he gets a second opinion (he wants to be a pilot in the military). We have insanely good health insurance because of his job in the military. So I understand kind of why he’s getting “cold feet” again, but fuck, I was completely heart broken.
 
@zigsmom91 Yeah, maybe making actual steps towards ttc made it a little more real than he was anticipating? I experienced a very similar situation with my husband when I mentioned taking prenatals after a timeline discussion we had previously - taking prenatals made it a little too official for him at that point and put him off of ttc, which really hurt.
 
@hagiang3396 I'm only about two years in. But recently I've been feeling like at least emotionally I'd be better off if I just assumed we'd never have kids. It was working for me, but I started to get the uterus and heart pangs every time I saw a kid again. I don't know that my heart will ever stop breaking at this point. I've been with DH 10 years and married for 6. Even though I haven't had kids on the brain for the majority of it, it sucks that I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about it...
 
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