23f and pregnant with my first, relationship w baby’s father is rocky at best

O

o0ofaytheo0o

New member
Well, I am pregnant with my first child at 23 years old. I’m 10 weeks in, so I’m early enough to terminate, but I saw my ultrasound and felt connected.

I’d like the feedback of r/singleparents because I feel like you all will have the greatest insight on what choice someone in my position should make.

Cons:
  • My baby’s father doesn’t want to commit to me. He is supporting me rn and said he would continue supporting our baby as he/she got older. I am not heart broken over the relationship, but I worry he will turn his attention to someone else and become negligent towards us when the excitement of being a new father wears off.
  • I’ve never really spent time around children and don’t know what to expect. It’s going to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, I don’t have much maternal experience.
  • I am broke. Baby’s father is my main supporter right now along w my dwindling savings account.
Pros:
  • I have traveled, had love affairs, and done a lot of stuff I feel people want to get out of the way before they have a child.
  • I like that I am young and would have the hardest part of parenthood out of the way in my early 30’s.
  • Though baby’s father is cold as fuck, he is also smart, good looking, and level headed. I would be happy to share genes with him as opposed to many others.
  • My baby’s father and I don’t really fight or get along poorly. It could potentially be healthier than relationships where parents do stay together or bitterly coparent. Even if he wasn’t in the picture, lots of awesome kids from one parent homes have become amazing adults.
  • I have decent work opportunities that I can start soon with a company I have worked with and have faith in, and a well to do family to help support me if needed
 
@o0ofaytheo0o Ppl grossly underestimate the physical energy, mental strain and financial cost it is to have a child. Whatever you think it is, multiply that by 10. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are very naive with your reasoning.

I wouldn’t wish being a single parent on anyone. I divorced after a long time and the father walked away and into his new family like we were nothing. If you think a baby will trap someone into being with you, you are sorely mistaken. Having a baby will not change his mind about a relationship. I’m not saying that is what you are doing, but homeboy can decide to walk away at anytime and you will be left with the lions share of raising the baby. That is when you will feel the gravity of your situation.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o If you keep the child:
  1. Who will be your support person/persons during labor and the months following birth?
  2. You absolutely need to make plans for long term financial stability like yesterday. Not just job stuff, but long term career and educational goals for you and your kid.
  3. Will you need to apply for welfare and support services while baby is young? What do those require, you should talk to a social worker now.
  4. How is paternity established in your state for unwed fathers?
You should not assume that Dad is just going to bankroll you in perpetuity or that his support won't come with increasing demands for control over your life and he's kid's life. You should not assume that any of his intentions are altruistic towards you and your child. Yes, he absolutely will resent you attempting to get him involved with your child if he has other women that he wants to pursue.

If you're still wanting to keep the kid, you should plan to operate independently of him, but also understand that you could be facing a massive custody battle down the line no matter what you do.

A lot of single Dad's like this are deadbeats and just leave you alone but some of them have zero moral issues with snatching up one kid from a illegitimate baby mom and installing that kid with the new girlfriend that he likes better when it pleases him.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o IMO, the most important question is: do you want this child? Most of us know, in our hearts, that answer.

The other thing I would consider is: how do you handle hard things? Do you have a tendency to lash out at people? Cuz, while I disagree with many of the comments here, they are right that this will be THE HARDEST thing you’ve ever done, by far. It will demand of you things you never thought possible. And if you’re the type of person who takes that out on other people, I’d seriously question (because the only person that’s gonna be there to take it out on is your kid, and that’s not cool). I’m not trying to be judgy, but relentless and honest self-assessment is part of how you get through solo parenthood.

FWIW, I’ve been a solo parent since I found out I was pregnant at age 33. I kind of wish I had done it younger when my body was more resilient and I had more energy.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o I had my daughter when I was 31, in a relationship and well off. Things changed and I ended up struggling on my own with a toddler who spent months in hospital. I went on a journey I never want to repeat. Being a single parent can be brutal, lonely and scary. Let me say it louder for people in the back : it's fucking hard. I have an 8 year old now, love her to the moon and back, BUT if I was to live my life again I would be child free. You seem naive OP, and your baby daddy is already making his escape plan.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o I lol’d at getting the hardest part of parenthood out of the way… don’t tease fate that way. I’ll say with my oldest his hard part of growing up was 12-20, being in my 30s didn’t help at all. You never know these things, but the philosophy of getting them ‘out of the way’ may set you up for a lot of disappointment.
This is all your choice obviously but at 23, not supporting self, speak nothing of education, savings, weird relationship with partner…like why not give yourself a chance to do this once settled with a partner who wants this?
 
@o0ofaytheo0o You miss the biggest con. Having a kid is a shit ton of work that needs (at least) two people. If you don't have an absolutely amazing support network I would not keep a kid in your situation.

Edit: I read this again. Literally your two biggest pros are (get this out of the way). That is literally the worst reason and you list it as a pro. Please dont do this. Have an abortion or adoption.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o The total cost of daycare for my now teenage daughter was over $80K. And I live in the Midwest with a low cost of living. How are you going to support a child when you can't even support yourself?
 
@o0ofaytheo0o The cost of having a baby is immense. During pregnancy my doctor had me start pre-paying for birth. They said it would cost at least a couple thousand out of pocket and wanted $300 a month when I was six months pregnant.

Do you have good health insurance? Does it cover maternal care and the cost of routine exams for a child? My child saw the doctor just about every month for a year and a half after being born. Regular checkups and stuff like croup and ear infections. Does your job il give you maternity leave and plenty of PTO? Cause you’ll burn through that in no time.

The cost of daycare is usually $1,200/month for newborns. Depending of where you live. Are you prepared to take on that financial burden for 5 years until they go to kindergarten? And then pay for before and after school care once they start school?

Not to mention all the paperwork to file for different social services. Cause if you’re broke you’ll need to be on some kind of food assistance and then special assistance for women and children. And you might qualify for daycare assistance and medical insurance, but you will have to put in some time and work to apply for the necessary programs you need to survive.

Then lastly, no your hypothetical relationship with the babies father isn’t going to be better than traditional couples. After about a year of doing everything by yourself while he gets to come in and out with no responsibilities is going to make you pretty bitter pretty quickly.

That’s just the harsh reality I’ve faced being a married woman who’s husband dipped out early. I never wanted to be a single parent and wouldn’t wish it on anybody. So if you have the choice, I would advise against it.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o I chose to be a solo parent in my mid 30s and I can safely say that the newborn stage is the most physically and emotionally challenging thing I've ever been through.

Not only is my body recovering from birthing a tiny human, my boobs leaked constantly and my son woke up almost every hour on the dot.

I'd be too exhausted to sleep so I'd try to clean, but I was too exhausted and had no energy. My body was repairing itself while I had to provide for my son.

I would not be able to do this in my early 20s.

The choice is ultimately yours, however I know I'd be naive enough to think i could take this on myself at 20-25.

Plan to do this with no financial nor emotional support if your partner isn't around.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o Don’t do itttttt I had mine at 25 thinking I’ve done just about everything so why not, let me tell stuff to do never runs out and 23 is still pretty young. I get a lot of help from my family cuz I’m a single mom and I feel bad for putting it on them. I will say you’re in a better (hypothically) situation then I am as far as the dad goes, mine is not involved and I knew that from the start.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o So there seems to be a slew of negative comments here and I don’t doubt they come from a good place and are from genuine experience...I’ll throw in my own experience which may or may not have anything to do with you.

I was never you at 23. In fact it was my nightmare scenario. So i spent my 20s and 30s working on me. I traveled, took risks, moved all over the world, went to graduate school, worked hard at my career, and amassed a huge savings for the future. I did everything the “right way.” I didn’t prioritize kids because it never seemed like the right time (echoed by all the negative comments in this post about how hard and expensive kids are— society told me the same things and I listened).

I stopped using protection w the person I was dating at 37 and become “accidentally” pregnant. I lost that child in a miscarriage and spent the next year pursuing expensive and emotionally and physically painful IVF. I was lucky, I could afford it because I worked hard at my career like society told me to. I will now deliver my miracle baby a few months shy of 40. Although I don’t regret my choices in my 20s and most of my 30s, I’ve looked back at them and wondered how I could have been so selfish as to choose less time with my son over living my life for me. I would do anything to have more years with this unborn baby I worked so hard for because from the moment of my first pregnancy it felt like nothing else mattered in my life but my kid(s) and I had spent decades sleepwalking through something that felt like life but was in fact very superficial.

What’s my point? Don’t be me. I know you have many many many years to go before becoming 38 and infertile...and if you decide to terminate you can still have another when you’re in a more reasonable scenario...but don’t let people tell you your situation isn’t the right one for motherhood. My choices were a mistake for me. I let the chatter of society tell me how tough it was, how I wasn’t in the right relationship, how sleep deprived I’d be, how I would give up my freedom...the same stuff I read in the comments here. people love telling you how imperfect your situation is, and how it’s not the right one to raise a kid, until you reach about 37-40 then suddenly pursing single motherhood (say, through a sperm donor or one night stand) becomes a liberating and empowering choice — like wtf?!).

And I let these opinions take away years of motherhood from me. It’s truly the greatest joy I have ever experienced and I deeply regret letting so much time go by. Pregnancy and parenthood is a miracle. It’s a privilege most folks commenting here are not acknowledging. They tell you how hard it is but no one had admitted they would go back and terminate their kids lives. No one has said they’d rather be 38 and infertile. They haven’t touched on all the amazing things about parenthood. It’s a very lopsided perspective you’re getting.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o It is hard as a single parent. You may end up regretting keeping the child. BUT I have also seen posts in r/parenting from moms and dads in couples who regret becoming parents. There are no guarantees in life. If you want to keep this baby, keep it. If you don’t, don’t. It will be hard no matter what. I’ve also seen posts in r/parenting where moms and dads in couples are not only overwhelmed with the kid(s) but with the spouse. I’ve seen one where one guy caught his wife on the nanny cam ignoring her crying infant for hours cuz she was hungover so he didn’t want to go to work. All I’m trying to say that yes, this is hard as a single parent but it can also be really hard or harder in a couple. If you want this baby start making the moves now to make it possible. Round up your supports (family and friends) who are not the father. Decide what you can do for income. The infant stage is very difficult but if you have à mom or a sister or a very good friend that can relieve you so you can sleep it is doable alone. And the infant stage doesn’t last long (although it can feel like an eternity). You sound like an intelligent woman. You know your heart. If you gave this baby away or terminated, how would you feel? If you kept this baby and suddenly had no life of your own and had no money, how would you feel. I’m not trying to push you either way (I am pro choice and would not judge you for making that choice) but I do want to assure you that having my baby was the best thing I ever did and I love her as I’ve never loved anyone or anything before and 100% worth all the sacrifices I’ve made. Good luck OP.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o Whoa, I am surprised that people over here instead of supporting OP suggesting not to keep the baby.
OP, here is my story: had my baby at 33 so kinda late. Left my ex husband 2 weeks before giving birth. No money, no family here, no even immigration status. Nothing. But I am strong and I am resilient and my son gave me ENORMOUS strength to keep moving forward. He saved me. Was it hard? OMFG it was! Would I do it again? Yes. My life has never been that meaningful. I fight for things, I was able to get back to work and have a full time job. I found a better apartment for us for less money. He motivates me. Do I cry? Yes. Do I want to die sometimes? Absolutely. Am I exhausted? Yes!!! It is hard! But you will never be alone in your life. You would be a universe for this little human. It is so responsible. And when your baby gives you a first hug or kiss - that is precious.
Try to build as much support as you can. Try to apply for social benefits, try to apply for affordable housing. Be proactive. File for child support. And by the time your 33, your child will be 10, that’s big, you’ll have more free time for yourself. You are strong and I wish you and your baby the best!
 
@iowa52241 This. So many comments are urging to not have the baby or to give it away. I am a new parent and I've been faced with the reality of possible single-parenting. It is scary but if you have a foundation (finances set -- soooooo important and can even start now, support system figured out), it helps a lot. If I was utterly alone, had no one to lean on, and was broke, I wouldn't recommend keeping but spiritually it is really hard for me to go through an abortion (and I had one a few years ago). OP can figure things out if they really want to. And my advice would definitely be to figure out the job ASAP as well as the support system and a place to stay if she and the guy she's with separate.
 
@o0ofaytheo0o I promise you they don't get easier as they get older. And by the time you reach your 30s you'll be mentally and physically exhausted; you don't simply hand over your youth and energy and ambition as a deposit now and get them back once baby grows up.

I remarried when my daughter was 12 (raised her myself from age 3 when her mom and I divorced), and while blending families is never easy, having that extra parental figure in the house has made a world of difference both from a parenting and from a feminine perspective.

Also, all are perfectly respectable personality traits but the baby won't care one bit how smart, good-looking, or level-headed dad is. "Cold as fuck" will matter and it will matter a lot, and as they get older, the kid will take notice. I do think you're right about him finding someone else when he gets tired of being a parent. You'll get tired of it too. Not a matter of if, but when. It happens to every one of us. Don't mean to sound negative, and I certainly am not judging. Just know what you're getting into, hope for the best/expect the worst, all that.
 
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