WIBTA for not wanting more kids/suggesting that one of us gets “fixed”?

[musicoceanview34]

POSSIBLE TRIGGER

For context | 21 f and my husband 22m had our first child in march, I absolutely love her to death but PPD/PPA has taken a huge toll on me. I have a history of depression/ anxiety. In the past l've had suicidal/physical harm tendencies. And now I'm having what's call suicidal ideation. For those who don't know it's where you don't want to harm yourself but if something were to happen to you it wouldn't upset you if that makes sense? But we have recently been talking about our future and he says he wants another child but I don't. I don't wanna go through this feeling again. And when we have intimacy though we have condoms. We don't use them a lot of the time because heat of the moment. But we can't afford to keep buying plan Bs and hoping that they work (I am on birth control). And I as a joke said well we wouldn't have to be worried about getting a plan b if one of us got
"fixed" and he got very upset about it. He said that he's never going to do that to himself because that's a terrible idea to think of and so I thought you know maybe it's just because he doesn't like that idea I asked him what he'd thought about me getting a tubal. Which as you can imagine didn't go so well. I love him so much but I can't/ don't want another child for the simple fact that I don't want to go through PPD again (still going through it).
Some days are good and some days are just utter shit. For the first month l've felt numb since having my baby. Like I'm physically there but mentally I'm just checked out. And I feel so guilty about it. I feel like l've missed the first month of her life. So AlTA for not wanting more kids and suggesting that one of us gets "fixed"?

 

[harmonmarie]

@musicoceanview34 NTA, but in the meantime at least get an IUD or an implant. Something to protect you from getting pregnant again. He doesn't need to know about either of option if you are concerned.

 

[musicoceanview34]

@harmonmarie I am on birth control, and he knows I’ve been on it since we got together. It also regulates my cycle so he doesn’t have a choice in it I have to have it . When I got pregnant it just happened to be when my BC was getting changed and the pharmacy didn’t have it so I had to wait and the condom broke and the plan b didn’t work.

 

[harmonmarie]

@musicoceanview34 Based on what you have said, you need to make sure those pills are in a very secure location he cannot mess with and set up hard boundaries that he wears the condom every single time. Hormones and sex cannot throw everything out the window and put you at risk. You said so yourself, the condoms are not used often and Plan B sounds like it was more than once. You cannot play young and dumb with your mental health. The options I mentioned are the closest you can get to permanent birth control until a resolution is made.

 

[musicoceanview34]

@harmonmarie He’s never had an issue with me being on birth control because he knows I have to have it in order to have normal periods and not be in excruciating pain when I’m on my period. He’s never tampered with my birth control or anything like that.

 

[dreamer2007]

@harmonmarie What kind of messed up relationships have you had that your first sentence in this paragraph is to hide the pills so he doesn't mess with them?

I am not attacking you, but that line of thought is not normal.

 

[vilixwann]

@dreamer2007 It’s actually very common for people to do that, I used to work in a DV shelter. It’s called reproductive coercion and it happens all the time to both genders.

 

[dreamer2007]

@vilixwann So, thank you very much for the information. After doing some research, it seems that it is a lot more common than I thought it was.

Being as young as they are, and their pre-frontal cortex not being fully developed, perhaps hiding the pills from her partner isn't necessarily a bad idea.

I still think it is horrible that we have to resort to this because people can't trust their partners nowadays. I couldn't imagine doing something so distasteful. People make me sick sometimes.

 

[vilixwann]

@dreamer2007 Yeah it’s so so sad for the kids. I always encourage anyone who is one and done to get sterilized as soon as they are sure if they have a partner who is really pushing for more kids. If you don’t take complete responsibility for your own fertility “accidents” seem to happen. And some people are just not equipped to be parents of multiples.

It happened recently to a friend of mine who is a veteran with pretty severe PTSD from his extensive combat experience. He told his wife he absolutely did not want another baby because he was really struggling with his colicky baby and I told him to get a vasectomy immediately because I knew she always wanted a huge family. He didn’t and she “accidentally” got pregnant and he unfortunately went completely off the deep end. He won’t talk to anyone (even me or his siblings) or leave the house and she’s scared he’s going to kill her and the two babies if she tries to leave. It’s so effing awful. She’s just hoping it gets better as the kids get older. He owns a ton of firearms and just watches crazy prepper videos on YouTube all day long.

 

[harmonmarie]

@dreamer2007 Actually my partner decided he would do a vasectomy when we were done having kids and followed through with it. He was caring and understanding. He didn't erupt in anger like OP's husband at the mention of sterilization for the benefit of her mental health, or refuse to use condoms because he is mature and responsible.

But it isn't unheard of for a partner, male or female, to manipulate birth control to have another child. And considering OP was suicidal and in a horrible mental situation, with a partner who has zero compassion, she really needs to protect herself. I have helped friends who have been in similar situations, and it isn't hard to find stories on Reddit about abusive partners coercing the other into a pregnancy.

 

[dreamer2007]

@harmonmarie Well except he doesn't seem to have zero compassion. In another comment of hers she states that he is understanding of her PPD and has even helped her with finding help and therapy. She never once said he has zero compassion.

Now I don't know the guy but that at least seems like he cares about her mental health.

As for being mature or not, they are 21 and 22, so their brain isn't finished developing their pre-frontal cortex which makes people react more on emotions, so that is a little bit understandable, though it does not excuse the behavior.

As for stories on reddit? Those are just that, stories, on reddit. You can't base a statistic on "he said she said", especially over the internet. However, it is quite common, as I said in another comment, I did some research and found that there are studies done and it is quite common. Though the statistic varies on location, it is still common enough.

 

[godwithus]

@dreamer2007 Happened to my friend. It’s called reproductive abuse.

 

[catlover88]

@musicoceanview34 There’s a lot to unpack here. This sub usually does not discriminate against young parents or parents who slip up with contraception- we are all human, after all.

That said, habitual slip-ups seem like a problem and perhaps point to bigger maturity/relationship issues.

I second PPs suggesting something like an implant or an iud, as they are semi-long tern and would mitigate the need for plan b so often.

Give yourself grace. You’ve just gone through a LOT. I’m sorry your husband isn’t being supportive. If you are in a healthier place mentally and still are OAD, I’d suggest taking sterilization into your own hands. There’s a very active and helpful sub on Reddit for sterilization; I post to and read on it regularly.

Wishing you all the best!

 

[musicoceanview34]

@catlover88 Thank you, do you mind commenting what the Reddit is so I can find it?

 

[catlover88]

@musicoceanview34 Sure! It’s r/sterilization !

 

[musicoceanview34]

@catlover88 Thank you so much!

 

[joseph33]

@musicoceanview34 Definitely NTA. If you don’t want any more children then permanent birth control is totally normal & you should be able to have an open/honest conversation with your husband about it. I could see this being an issue for your marriage in the future though.

 

[lizmoshes]

@musicoceanview34 Did your medical team give you the all clear before you resumed having sex? You say you missed the first month so just want to be sure you were prioritizing your health and do so moving forward.

Regardless, please stop taking Plan B as a regular form of extra birth control. It’s is not meant for that. Keep using your other BC and take the minute to put on a condom before sex instead.

I suggest putting a pin in the topic until you’re at least a year out PP. Not that you’ll change your mind (I mean, you might maybe?) but things tend to get clearer once the first year is played out - hormones stop the giant interference they did before, you’ve settled in to your new family life, and you’ll be better able to articulate WHY you don’t want another child.

I personally knew during labour I was never doing it again but it took years for us to commit with my husband getting snipped.

 

[musicoceanview34]

@lizmoshes Yes they did and even after they gave me the all clear I waited until the bleeding stopped since I had an emergency C-section. I’m trying to get him to understand that plan b isn’t necessary since he’s the one buying them which I think I’m starting to get him to understand. I just added it in the post because it was a frustration of mine because it’s money being spent that doesn’t need to be spend it that makes sense. And due to me having an emergency c-section is another reason why I don’t want another child. I should have added that as well.

 

[globug54321]

@musicoceanview34 I think what the above poster is saying, is you shouldn’t be concerned about the cost of plan b, instead of the impact on your body if you repeatedly take something that is designed for infrequent use.

It’s a hormonal drug and it’s literally designed to delay ovulation. Your body needs a break from that.