When does the guilt stop?

[blackbox]

Two weeks ago, I gave birth to 2 beautiful twin girls at 30+1. I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia at 29+0, admitted to the hospital where my water broke at 29+5. They were born into the world kicking and screaming, both well under 3 lbs. They are already showing great improvements, but I can’t help wonder what I could have done different to keep them cooking a bit longer inside me. Did I do something to trigger the preterm labor? I know logically I didn’t, but my head continues to spiral with guilt.

My boyfriend has been amazing, but I can’t help but feel alone and guilty when I’m not with them in the NICU.

Any tips to overcome this?

 

[redcrambler]

@blackbox NICU nurse here with a pro tip. At first you want to be there every second of everyday even though there is very little you can do when they are so tiny/sick/fragile. You burn yourself out. Nothing left in the tank when the time comes to start thinking about discharge. The nurses need you there then but you can’t because you spent everything in you at the start.

This is a marathon not a sprint. You can’t pour from an empty cup they say - so engage in self care. Take time away at the start. Recover from your delivery. Build your relationship with your partner if you have one. Then when it comes time to spend hours and hours at the hospital preparing for discharge you still have some left to give. Please.

 

[jran]

@redcrambler What do you mean by preparing for discharge? I am brand new to the NICU with a 30 weeker and I'd like to do the best for my little girl and also the nurses they have been so wonderful.

 

[carling]

@jran Discharge for my wife and I meant getting baby up to weight (a bit over 4lbs) and making sure she could sit in a car seat for an hour without spiking her vitals (this might have been since we lived an hour away I’m not sure??)

It also included rooming in with her in their latest stage of the NICU that had a bed for mom or myself to sleep in overnight and essentially we just took care of the baby for the last three days she was in the hospital. Logged every poop and pee. Logged her sleep times. Logged her feeding times and amounts. The whole shebang.

 

[vp1995]

@carling They did a 2 hour carseat test on our little girl last night and we live 10 minutes away (Oregon). I don't think distance from home had anything to do with it, at least in our region.

 

[carling]

@vp1995 Honestly it could have been a two hour test for us too for all my brain can remember with all this sleep I haven’t been getting lol

 

[constancelj]

@redcrambler I second this. My son was born via emergency c-section at 30+0. He had a very uneventful 6-week hospital stay which I am very thankful for.

When I was discharged from the hospital after his birth, I took the time to recover at home. My husband was a rockstar and took care of me while I heal from the c-section. During this time I felt guilty for not staying with my son at the hospital. But I had to look after myself so I could take care of my baby. He needed a healthy mama.

10 days before he would be discharged, I decided to sleep in the hospital and do all his care. It helped both of us tremendously and I was able to show up for him better than those first weeks..

You got this mama

 

[makesense114]

@blackbox My son’s doctor told me, “Unfortunately someone always has to be the statistic. We are just so sorry it had to be you.” That resonated with me and helped me with the logic of it not being my fault, but I still feel guilty that my body failed my son and he had to have his NICU stay. I hope that the words my son’s doctor told me help you.

 

[dree33]

@blackbox My son is a 33 weeker and is now 3 1/2 months old, 2 months adjusted. The twinges come occasionally, but he’s hitting all of his milestones and then some and he’s growing so fast.

 

[lisaxo]

@blackbox Don't feel guilty believe me. I got sudden onset pre-eclampsia & my daughter was born via emergency c-section @ 26 weeks in the middle of the night. Amazingly she was able to breath on her own, oxygen yes but no vent. She's now 6 years old & a perfectly normal child; no lasting effects from making her debut to the world 3 months early. No one looking at her today would ever guess how she came into the world. Preemies are the strongest people out there. You're the loving mother of two beautiful girls & there is absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Hugs

 

[marinel]

@blackbox I also had a 30+1 weeker who was a feeder and grower. No one could tell me why he came early or what I could have done differently. I lost his twin at around 10 weeks so I assume there's a connection. He was 2lbs 14oz and went home when he was just over 4lbs. He spent nearly 6 weeks in the NICU but came home completely healthy, just very small. He's now a rambunctious 5 year old with no physical problems whatsoever.

I still feel guilty but don't know why since I didn't do anything wrong, but it's getting better with time. Take as much time as you need for yourself to heal and don't feel guilty if you can't be there with them all the time. They've got plenty of carers at the hospital who will make sure they're well looked after until you can be there. Be kind to yourself, to be the best parent you can be you need to look after you too.

 

[mike84761]

@blackbox Feel free to join us at r/preeclampsia. This question comes up often.

It wasn't your fault. This happened to you - to you and your children. It happened to me too, a few weeks earlier at that. I'm sure we both would have done anything to hold on longer! Guilt is a natural response to this terrible thing, but that doesn't mean we are actually guilty of what happened. It was just terrible luck.

 

[mtbking30]

@blackbox I had a similar experience where I gave birth to a premature baby girl with 30W+0. I can understand how you might feel guilty, but please know that it is not your fault. You did everything you could to keep your babies safe, but sometimes things don't go according to plan. Just like my doula once said, sometimes they're just early birds.

Please make peace with yourself and focus on the present. Take the time to heal and give yourself the grace to recover. Staying in the NICU can be exhausting, and it takes a lot of energy to get through it. But remember that your babies are in the best place for them to thrive.

You will get through this.

 

[zacmac90]

@blackbox My son was born at 36+2 via emergency csection and had a 14 day stay in the NICU. He is 5 months old tomorrow and I still carry a lot of guilt for not being able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby from the jump. He is perfectly healthy now, hitting all of his milestones and doing amazing. So chunky. I love him. The feeling of guilt is irrational but I feel very normal for NICU mamas.

 

[derekge]

@blackbox My wife is currently experiencing the same thing,she had our twin girls at 31 weeks on Jan 11th. As a husband, it hurts me to core to see my wife going through such pain and anguish. I've tried with all my heart to reassure that nothing could have been done to prevent it and nothing she did caused it to happen. Even with her doctors telling her the same thing, she still blames herself and thinks everyone is just saying things to make her feel better and not telling her the truth. I'm never going to stop reassuring her and hope one soon that rid herself of this guilt.