What to do for working mom of two that just lost her husband?

[hman]

Long story short, I’m looking for ideas to help a working mom of two (3 yr old and 5 yr old) whose husband just died unexpectedly.

I hope none of you have ever found yourselves in this situation - but this has been such a great community for support and ideas, I wanted to check here first!

I see lots of things for moms going through a hard time with newborns - e.g. meal trains, cleaning service, etc, but wasn’t sure if the same apply to this (next-level) situation.

For context, I am not close with the woman personally but am close with people that are. Thanks in advance for your ideas!

 

[katrina2017]

@hman I would send money. Or better yet send an email to a group of families who might want to help (do you know this person from school? work? the neighborhood?) and have everyone pool money together and send her a single check (less overwhelming for her than keeping track of multiple gifts from multiple families).

If you're not comfortable sending cash, instacart, uber eats or another form of grocery gift cards would be helpful I'm sure.

 

[lena_the_lena]

@hman Although not unexpected, my BIL died in 2020 of cancer. The most helpful things for my sister were child care and food delivery gift cards. Frozen meals were great but honestly at times overwhelming to remember in advance to preheat the oven and take time to cook it when you are at times living minute to minute. When you realize it's 7pm and the kids haven't eaten, you don't have 2 hours to cook something. You need it delivered in 20 minutes.

Grieving with young kids is hard. They don't understand. You're trying to grieve without being a hot mess in front of them, so getting a break to be alone and cry is a godsend. Having people to take the kids and keep things "normal"-ish for them also was really helpful.

 

[demonslayer410]

@lena_the_lena Yes. When I have gone through death or
flooding of my home I so wished someone had just left me sandwiches at my door. This was way before Uber. I could have used help with my young children, a hug and a friend. Wow
though it would be hard to be away from mom it would be helpful to have someone come in and be with the kids to give
Mom a break. Bless this dear family.

 

[justcheckinin]

@hman This happened to me last year. The most helpful were people who actually provided support and not just “offered”. Whether it was cash (through Zelle), gift cards for dinners, or inviting us for a playdate with their children. Don’t just offer, but do it. Genuine support with follow through instead of just good intentions with an offer to help. Lots of people offer to help. Few people actually follow through. My heart goes out to this mom and her children. And I love the fact that you are thinking of her and her family and am grateful she has someone like you in her life.

ETA: we used the cash to help with day to day while I got our finances in order. It helped to have a bit of extra funds to take the kids to a special place (like the aquarium or zoo) to take our minds off things.

 

[demonslayer410]

@justcheckinin Yes I have a special friend who had a sick child in the hospital. Her husband was still working and then visiting them in the hospital. I actually went shopping for her since I had access to her house. This also allowed
me to help tidy for them. I took care of a pet
too. She helped us immensely years later
and now my daughter lives not too far from them.

 

[peterjakeyboy]

@justcheckinin This is so true. So many people just say “Let me know if there’s anyway I can help,” totally unaware that very few people have the courage to actually ask for help.
What you want is someone to tell you exactly how they’re helping. “I’m going to watch the kids on a Friday night, let me know which one works.” Or “I’m bringing over sandwiches - what day works best?”

 

[jerrhhhhli]

@peterjakeyboy So true! Sometimes its even better to name a concrete date! Like: I'm collecting your kids tomorrow to go to the playground and will bring sandwiches for the evening.

Its so much easier to reply "sorry, tomorrow doesn't work, maybe the day after?!" Than the open invite of a Friday of my choosing. You don't feel like you have the time/mind/energy to choose.

We had a difficult time with newborn twins and mom and the hospital for weeks and it was so hard to organise play dates for our oldest because there was no capacity. It only worked when friends called/texted and ask us whether "Thursday after preschool would be okay for us". They would take the oldest and dad could collect her in the evening (dinner included).

 

[dvm0071]

@hman Food delivery gift card (Uber eats, skip the dishes) reigns supreme. No awkwardness of people dropping off food and making small talk, returning containers etc

 

[cadie]

@dvm0071 Tbh I think it should just be a given rule that you do NOT bring food in containers that need to be returned. Who has time for that??

 

[dvm0071]

@cadie I 100% agree. When my Dad passed away it was 50/50 keep and return. So nice we got food but also one extra thing for my mental load in my grieving fog

 

[oceania]

@cadie In the first few months after my husband died, I opened my freezer and found that an unknown friend had left me a Costco frozen lasagne. I have no idea who did it, but it was a true gift that night.

 

[demonslayer410]

@cadie Yes! My friend who has passed had several bouts of cancer. I watched one time either I brought her something or someone else did and she would put the item in her own dish and return the persons dish immediately to them. I thought that was smart. I try to never bring food in a dish that needs to be returned .

 

[photine]

@cadie We gift food in dishes from Goodwill. If we never see them again, it's fine.

 

[1corinth1013]

@dvm0071 This was the most helpful thing I received when my husband suffered a stroke and was in the hospital for almost a week. Fortunately he made a full recovery and is perfectly fine now!

 

[chekwube]

@dvm0071 I agree. I recently sent a package from “spoonful of comfort” to a a friend who lost her dad and she told me several times how useful it was to have a meal she didn’t have to think about

 

[mattpatt]

@dvm0071 Agree. When my daughter was born, she spent a month in the NICU and our friends and families sent so many Door Dash and Uber Eats gift cards. It was so nice to have food delivered to the hospital so we could spend as much time with her as possible.

 

[invisiblyme]

@hman Lawn service/landscaping gift card

 

[davidsanya]

@invisiblyme I lost my husband when I had a 3 year old and twins on the way. I neighbor I had never met sent me a message that they would take care of my lawn care for the entire summer. No question if I needed it, just that they would do it unless I objected. It was extremely helpful and appreciated. We are great friends now 5 years later.

 

[mizzy_emerald]

@davidsanya My husband just had surgery so all chores plus working full time fall to me. He normally does the lawn mowing but can’t do it this summer. Our neighbor told us he’d do our lawn mowing for us and it has been such a huge help. It’s something I could fit in but just having that one less thing to do really relieves some pressure.

If lawn mowing doesn’t apply, some other chores you can do or outsource for them at your expense would be monumentally helpful to them, I’m sure.