What can I do when my ex does not allow my child (M/9) to take to her house gifts I got him?

[thematthew]

I honestly don't know if I should be asking this in r/legaladvice sub, which is why I am posting this question here. My ex and I share custody of a nine-years-old boy and she has a history of preventing him from keeping things I get him. My kid loves music and has been learning to play the guitar for about a year now using an old acoustic guitar his uncle gave him. For his birthday I got him an electric one, but he has been unable to take it to music class as they happen during the time he is with his mom.

He is very enthusiastic and is very proud of the fact that he has learn to play some notes by ear; on Friday afternoon he spent about an hour learning to play a part of one of his favorite songs and asked me if he could take the guitar when it came time for get back to his mom. I told him that yes, it's his and he can take him whenever he wanted to. However, upon arriving at his mother's she flatly refuse to take the guitar and didn't even explain why.

I sent her a message asking why, which she has not replied (and I don't expect that she will). I have yet to speak with my son since that happened and I plan to tell him that I'm talking with his mom to solve the matter. What else can I do here? Am I right in assuming that my child is entitled to take whatever he wants from my house to his mother's house?

EDIT: Thanks everyone for the valuable advice.

 

[novitativa]

@thematthew I've heard a lot of separated parents go through this. Its a power play that doesn't work out in the long run. Extremely immature and only hurts the children. He's nine, not two. He sees it.

 

[mathighas]

@thematthew No advice, just sorry you have to deal with this.

I was a step mother for a while and the only time we ever barred my SD from bringing stuff back from her mother's was when her mother kept loaning her revealing clothes she'd try to sneakily wear to school under hoodies and sweatpants (middle school.)

I can't imagine making a stance about a musical instrument. Just hurts the kid.

 

[katrina2017]

@thematthew This sounds familiar! My ex did the same thing for a few years. He would not answer my messages for many days, and often wouldn't address the question I asked. And he would tell the kids they could not bring things to his house from here, or take things from his house to here.

He stopped eventually.

I don't think there is anything illegal going on. You are doing the right thing to assure your son you will ask, and then contact her privately. Now that you know she is being difficult about this issue, don't make promises to your son about it anymore. When asks to take something to her house, tell him either to ask her, or tell him no. And that completely depends on how your talk with her goes. She may say that it's ok sometimes, just to ask first. Or she may say no, never. Give your son the correct answer, and don't talk badly about her or complain about it. Model for him that it's just fine and you both can deal with that easily.

If you are able, maybe you can take the electric guitar to the teacher's house earlier in the day on music lesson day, and then pick it up later. Making sure you don't cross paths and make Mom feel interfered with. If you can make this arrangement, do so, and tell your ex. Don't ask permission, just tell her that the electric will be dropped at the teacher's house for his lessons. It is a shame he won't have it at Mom's for practice, but if you just stay cool and don't push, she may eventually change her mind about it.

 

[nlherman]

@thematthew It's her house, she doesn't have to allow anything in there that she doesn't want in there. Many parents have big disagreements about what a child should be allowed to use and at what age. You need to make an effort to work out with your ex just which toys he should be allowed and which not. If she ignores you, which I suspect she will, all you can really do is document what's going on, to make it clear that she is the source of conflict, that you're not doing anything to alienate your son from her. If she continues playing these games I suspect the boy will want to live with just you when he's older.

 

[kathryn1998]

@thematthew I have no advice but deal with something similar. My(37F) ex (37M) does this. He doesn't want any of the toys they get from me or my side of the family to go to his house or vice versa. I'm sorry you have to deal with this too.

 

[finiteimmortal]

@thematthew While I disagree with not allowing the kid to have an instrument your ex doesn't have to allow anything your kid has to come to their house. Your situation sounds reasonable but there are also ones where a parent or other relative goes over the top buying gifts and its not reasonable to keep them all in the home