Was 100% OAD. Now confused. 37(f) w/ 6+ age gap. What would you do?

[stevent2323]

@jamisonbirdsong Im laying in my son’s bed (6yo) tickling his back to sleep(habit we haven’t kicked yet)… and I’m listening to my 20 month old babbling himself to sleep on the monitor… thinking how tired I am and wondering which chore i have the energy for before bed. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning toys.

Sigh… so so tired at 39

 

[jamisonbirdsong]

@stevent2323 Oh man, yes! I keep reminding myself in 20 years, we’ll miss this. The house will be clean, but quiet. It makes me feel a little better even when I’m completely overwhelmed with the clutter and mess!

 

[userunknown19]

@jamisonbirdsong Lol yeah I'm tired too! Do you have much support?

My husband, sister and mother in law all help a lot. I don't think I could do it without them.

 

[jamisonbirdsong]

@userunknown19 I do, my MIL lives 3 doors down (I love her so it’s great), she eats dinner with us each weeknight and we take turns making dinner, my sister is there when I need her and my SIL helps out a ton too!

My husband does travel for work every once in a while (every few months for a few weeks at a time) and they are all super helpful!

 

[userunknown19]

@jamisonbirdsong Well I reckon go for it then if both you and your husband want another

 

[jswanson86]

@bitgidi I had my first at 28 and my second at 36 (7.5 year age gap) and it’s actually been lovely. The bond between my girls is adorable.

 

[delon]

@bitgidi Sounds like you want another but are nervous and naturally so.

You don’t have to answer me but can you and your husband handle another child financially? If you are US based, you will be meeting the max out of pocket all over again.

Do you have parents/family friends near by that can help with the adjustment from 1 kid to 2? If not you can always hire help, like to watch your oldest while you are in the hospital.

My advice is when you look into the future… say it’s Thanksgiving 20 years from now… do you see another child (now grown) at the table with you?

Best of luck.

 

[bitgidi]

@delon Thanks for your thoughtful feedback! My financial situation is a little weird. My husband and I definitely make enough money, but we are also entrepreneurs so no benefits and our profit this year doesn’t mean it will be same next. So that can makes things feel a bit uncertain.

In terms of family -we moved back to where all my family is located a few years ago and my in-laws live here part-time as well. When we had my first we were 1000 miles from any family or support so that’s a big difference between then and now.

 

[christopher11]

@bitgidi I can speak to the age gap of not being concerned with closeness because I think it's dependent on personalities. I'm close with my sisters, they're all older by 4,7 and 12 years lol my bro is one year younger and we aren't that close. I think deep down you want one but just scared and have fears just like most would... S
I have the same fears

 

[johnacola]

@bitgidi We are almost twins! I’ve been trying for about 6 months but need to stop for insurance reasons. Unfortunately it’s not happening so far so that may decide for me. Send me a message if you want support

 

[sapiens]

@bitgidi With what you've said here, I would be cautious. At best, you're uncertain and it is unclear whether your husband is likewise uncertain or a definite 'Hell yeah!' It doesn't come across like a resounding endorsement, to be honest.

You might also want to consider the angle from your child's point of view. Is having a sibling a nett positive or negative? You've stated a financial negative, time with you is also halved (and probably more at the early stage), and environmentally, of course, fewer children is better than more. Whether they get along is, at best, a gamble. However, you might feel that the positives outweigh all these. But you know all of this anyway.

I guess what I'm saying, is bringing another life into the world is a huge decision. Take your time. If you need a year to make up your mind, then so be it.

 

[jaypt]

@bitgidi In terms of your age gap worries read about all the studies here, seems like you children wont be close (as in friends and interests), but it would be more like a mentorship relationship, with the younger one learning from the older one.

https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/what-is-the-best-age-gap-between

Personally if I was in your position i wouldnt have another. Everyone on this sub seems to not care about the age at which you have children, and majortiy always talk in favour of having another child, even though its the OAD sub. Every ywar you are getting older and losing energy and mobility (on average) ive spoken to many parents who say they cant give the same amount of attention to their youngest (big age gaps) because they are so much older snd dont have the energy like they used to to keep up. Obviously there are many other reasons like health and how old you will be that theres less time your kids get to spend with you.

Given you were happy with OAD I'd see no reason to have a second. Your child is already used to being a single child, and with such a large age gap the single child feeling isnt going to change.

 

[davidtitor]

@bitgidi I’m in an exactly the same situation as you. Except of maybe being terrified of having to do a repeat C section. I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t end up having a C section with my first I would have already had a second child. Whatever you decide you’d find reasons for backing up or being upset about your choice. I think as soon as one gets pregnant and is sailing and there’s no way back, their mind settles and finds a million reasons to be happy about it. As I see it, it’s easier to regret not having a child in the long run. But only if everything is ok health wise. For me personally, health and recovery from repeat c section while not having family or help around are big reasons. The best of luck and please update on your story!

 

[inlimbo22]

@bitgidi 2 kids is the sweet spot. I’d say go for it

 

[davidtitor]

@bitgidi Hey, any updates?