Was 100% OAD. Now confused. 37(f) w/ 6+ age gap. What would you do?

[bitgidi]

I feel really confused about whether to have another kid or not and looking for some advice/feedback on what to do. I’m 37 (f) married to a 41(m) and we have a 5 y.o daughter. Never planned to have two- in fact I was strongly one and done, but the idea to have another hit me like a ton of bricks earlier this year and I can’t shake it.

My biggest concerns are:
- the large age gap, looking at at least 6 years right now.
- My age -I will be at minimum 38 by the time baby would be born.
- I’m also concerned conceiving and how long that might take. It took 8 months with #1 when I was 31.

At this point, we’ve gone ahead and started trying. We’re 2 months in now and I feel all over the place if I want to continue to do this or not. I forgot how much ttc sucks. The stress, the disappointment. At least with # 1 there wasn’t any doubt about if I wanted it. This time I do have serious doubt and it all feels confusing AF.

The reasons I want to have another kid:
- Hands down raising my kid is the most meaningful and important thing I’ve ever done
- My siblings are the most important people in my life as an adult
- My husband was an only child and while he had more resources and opportunities bc of it I can also see how it was lonely and put a lot of pressure on him, ( its made me really appreciate having other people that also grew up with my parents and can understand how crazy they are. lol)
- I feel like it will give us a bigger, fuller life, for the good and bad.
- The part of me that wants to is based more on intrinsic desire than a logic based choice.

All that said, I’m not close to 100% a lot of days but I’m honestly scared that if I choose to wait until I finally get to a place of 100% certainty it could be too late. The age gap, my age, and however long it may take to get pregnant makes me feel like it’s now or never.

I know if it happens I wouldn’t regret it and I really like the idea of what life would look like 5, 10, 15 years from now. I also know our life is really good right now and this would kind of be like dropping a bomb in it.

Sooo what would you do? Anyone else in this situation? Advice? How did you get to a decision? Thanks for your input!

 

[elly1]

@bitgidi Personally it sounds like you would like another but are nervous.

We ended up with more kids than was our original plan, definitely some nerves involved in moving forward with each additional one. Such is life. They love having each other even when they fight.

It's okay to be nervous, especially since this wasn't your original plan. There's a lot of unknown. I wouldn't worry about the age gap tbh. A close age gap doesn't mean your kids will be bffs. I know several people with close age gaps and all of them don't get along to some degree (I'm thinking of at least 4 sibling sets). All you can do is try your best to set them up to be kind and considerate towards each other and all that good stuff, the rest will be up to them.

Beyond that it's up to you to find where to draw the line, where you feel you don't feel comfortable continuing to try.

 

[trang1966]

@elly1 I was closer to my brother who is 6 years younger than to my other one!

 

[fisherking]

@bitgidi I have an age gap of 8 years with my sibling. I loved him when I was kid. We hit a rough patch when he was going thru his teenage years and I was in college. But once he hit his 20s the age gap felt a lot smaller. I still had a ton of fun playing with him while growing up though. Now we’re great adult siblings. So I woundnt worry about the 6 year age gap.

Just make sure not to put any labour on the eldest. I am the eldest and became second mom which was unfair to me. I have lots of issues to uncover in therapy still from those years growing up.

 

[tiramisu]

@bitgidi Very similar boat- I’m 37, will be 38 when baby is born. Will have a 5 year age gap, first is also a daughter. Was OAD for years and had a big shift. Now that I am pregnant, I can say I’m so happy (despite being miserable symptoms wise) and already feel complete and like this was the right decision!

 

[bitgidi]

@tiramisu Aww this is so cool! Thanks for sharing and congrats!!!

 

[tiramisu]

@bitgidi Best of luck!!

 

[kekinean]

@bitgidi We have similar gap- 6.5 years! My kids are 1 and 7. To be honest it’s been wonderful for us and such a great experience. I was unsure and it’s hands down one of the best decisions I’ve ever made

 

[bitgidi]

@kekinean Love this! Thanks for sharing!!

 

[stevent2323]

@bitgidi 5 year age gap. Two boys! Was one and done till oldest was 3.5. I have medical issues, high risk pregnancies, lots of specialist appointments etc. etc. im turning 40 this summer with an almost 7 yo and an almost 2yo. Hubby is turning 46!

My boys are best friends. I am so glad we did it. It’s the most rewarding feeling watching them together. Running a bath for the oldest and little bro yelling “baba baba” because he wants in too.

Zero regrets. It’s not easy. But our hearts are full! And one day…. When we’re gone. They will have one another to lean on.

 

[shawnv78]

@bitgidi I can't speak for your other concerns but I can speak about the age gap concerns as my mother had 3 daughters all 7 years apart and we're all very close!! My sisters are my best friends, ofc growing up wasn't all sunshine and closeness but it's actually nice to have someone that can look out for you, give advice etc. Parents are the ones that have to help their kids foster their closeness with their siblings and being older and actually understanding I was gonna be a big sister at the time made everything really exciting. Sounds like you want this but you're just nervous about the unknown which is natural but I promise you'll be fine if you decide to stick it through!!

I'd personally have the second, nothing is wrong with being one and done at all but there's also nothing like having a sibling either. Pros and cons to both tbh.

 

[bitgidi]

@shawnv78 Thanks for sharing! V helpful!

 

[billybob67]

@bitgidi I was you. Delivered my 2nd at 38 with a 7 year age gap. My girls adore each other. My brother is nearly 6 years older than me. Big age gaps can be great. I also feel I've been at better mom and more equipped at 38.

 

[bitgidi]

@billybob67 Thanks for sharing!!

 

[katrina2017]

@bitgidi I would wonder why all your concerns have to do with time. Maybe examine that? Why did you get hit with a ton of bricks? Might it have to do with the “door closing” soon? Did someone close to you get pregnant? Did your kid get easier?

I think there can be sadness either way you choose. Ambivalence about having kids seems to be more of the norm than I thought. Even after having them… there are great moments and wtf moments.

Your post reads as you want another but have doubts about time, which you don’t really have control over anyway.

 

[bitgidi]

@katrina2017 Yeah this is honestly spot on. I think I arbitrarily thought of 3 years as the max gap between kids mostly bc that’s what I grew up with and I’ve never had examples of anyone with a larger gap than that. I always envisioned myself being done with having kids by like 36 which was a lot of the reason why I started to try for my first at 30. Neither of these are real issues beyond what the vision I’ve held for many years and I just never had a reason to question it before.
The ‘ton of bricks’ was two-fold- 1)We hit 5 and finally got full time childcare last year and things became much easier and more enjoyable. 2) I spent a lot of the past few years really focused on my growing my business and after achieving pretty much all I set out to do, i’ve found myself pretty miserable and massively questioning what really matters and what next…
Which I don’t know is a good reason..
Thanks for your thoughtful response

 

[katrina2017]

@bitgidi I think you should go for it and have another


Sometimes we as humans think too much. The decision is already in your heart. Have another, and grow more in love.

 

[rezene]

@bitgidi I’m in the same boat. I’m 36 and my daughter is turning 5 in October. My husband and I decided to try for #2 last year. I had a miscarriage in January (anembryonic gestation) and now am kind of back at the drawing board, with the added trauma of a miscarriage. Looking at a 5+ year age gap now and I’m really unsure about the future, but for now, my husband and I will continue trying and see what happens. Such a difficult and emotional decision, and time just makes it even more complicated.

Feel free to PM me to mull it over more if you wish! Always helpful to discuss with someone under similar circumstances. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.

 

[userunknown19]

@bitgidi I had a daughter at 31 who is 6 now.
And my son at 37 who is 18 months old now.
Chasing after a toddler at 38 years old is certainly harder than when I was 31.
And going back to broken sleep after getting a full night's sleep for so long was hard too.

But I wouldn't change it for anything, don't regret having my son at all

 

[jamisonbirdsong]

@userunknown19 This honesty is so refreshing. My son is 6 and I really want another but then get nervous. I’ll be 38 in July and I’m so tired lol.