Unhelpful husband

@rubbles Hire a housekeeper or house manager, and spend his salary on it. That way, you don't have him as an incompetent stay at home husband, and you have outsourced managing his behavior to his boss.

Also, send him back to the store for the return of the formula. He can take a photo of the correct can before he goes
 
@jamesmason10 Although it is *absolutely* true that most people can't spare a whole salary, it is also true that a lot of times, we find a way. Because we get divorced. And then we have to run a household on a single salary.

Often, removing a dangerously incompetent person from the household makes things cheap enough that it makes up for the loss of income. I have known a fair number of single moms who actually had more money after divorce, because they stopped having an expensive partner.
 
@mksamas You can't just "find a way" to pay a full time salary if you don't earn enough. And many people don't get divorced because they can't afford it. Or they have to massively downgrade their lifestyle in one way or another. Anyway your comment didn't mention divorcing him.
 
@rubbles Has he done a sleep study? The not rousing is a worrisome health issue.

As for the formula, as others have said: make him fix his mistake.
 
@rubbles If he’s not paying all of the bills while you do all of the other things then…. If I was you I would make a list of all of the things with maybe a number indicating how difficult/annoying each thing is and start putting check marks next to the things he can actually do. The pets should be 100% his for example.
 
@rubbles I struggled with this a bit when our daughter was a baby. Husband wouldn’t wake up to cries and would fall asleep with the baby in his arms if I tried to trade off turns at night to get some sleep, so I just didn’t. We have two totally different views of how the house should be kept and with his ADHD, he always seems to leave a trail of misplaced items, laundry, dirty dishes, or trash behind him without blinking twice. I couldn’t manage cleaning, cooking, and an infant who would only contact nap.. the stress was unreal as clutter and mess built up around me and I lived off of granola bars. I’d have to send him pictures of the formula if he went out to buy it. I felt like I had to remind him if it was time for a bottle or diaper change. Dark times and lots of resentment in those early days. Things did get better. At a certain point I just started assigning him stuff, things I knew he could manage… for example, bath time is his task. He is SO much more hands-on and proactive now that she’s a toddler though, thankfully. And he’s started picking up some of my slack with household chores like dishes and (his) laundry, and will cook some nights. He takes so much more initiative overall now and goes out of his way to make sure
our daughter’s needs are being met, without being asked. I feel like a lot of men just don’t know what to do with babies… not that first-time moms do either, but something inside us seems to just turn on and we make it work regardless.
 
@rubbles Your first step is to tell him that he’s being a piece of shit, and he needs to stop being a piece of shit or you’ll divorce him. Second step is to cut him off of anything you do for him. No more dinners, laundry, taking care of him while sick, getting groceries only he eats, etc. Third step is to just slowly phase him out of being involved in your life in any way. Set a spot at dinner for you and baby, not him. Fourth step if 1-3 don’t work is to just divorce the apathetic useless man.
 
@rubbles Okay this is going to sound so crazy but does he snore? Do you think he may have sleep apnea?

I ask because my husband does and when he doesn’t wear his CPAP machine he makes all sorts of dumb little mistakes. He also can be super tired and like no matter how much he sleeps, he’s still exhausted.

When we first started living together, I noticed he would kind of stop breathing and choke in his sleep. I pushed for him to get a sleep study and he got a CPAP machine. He’s not always amazing at wearing it all night, but when he does he’s a different person.
 
@rubbles When he goes to the store to buy formula, txt him a picture of the correct formula. Then there's no reason for him not to get the correct one.
 
@rubbles There is a lot of pressure on you to do it all! I get it because I’m in the same boat. I resent my husband for putting it all on me AND bring the breadwinner.

We are just starting Fair Play book and cards. Idk if it’ll help.
 
@rubbles My husband is a deep sleeper (sleep apnea) but you better believe I gave him a sharp elbow when it was his turn at night. It sucks but I strictly enforce taking turns on things else I will end up doing it all. I also have to remind him to do his turn tasks like litter boxes, which sucks, but after 20 years I have resigned myself to realizing him not recognizing needs and needing to be told as just how it will always be.

I also enforce participation for activities like bathtime, I get kid in and cleaned (and at this age chill on my bed on phone while he plays in tub) then call daddy up to get him dried/dressed. Bedtime routine we swap each night but the other parent is usually still IN the room or doing chores nearby.
 
@rubbles I would tell him to put more effort in helping out, or have him pay for outside help (nanny/ maid service/food prep, whichever one will be most beneficial) - might be annoyed or insulted enough to motivate him. Worse case, it moves your hand towards separation and improves your mental health; best case, he gets his shit together.
 
@rubbles Been in your situation and I don’t recommend the nag/delegate cycle but therapy. Still working through it and it’s not perfect. But if the partner feels unappreciated or emasculated he’ll shut down/avoid.
 
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