Unhelpful husband

[rubbles]

How are you mamas handling a husband who is less than helpful?

I am mentally struggling to do it all. We both work full time but I earn 2.5x what my husband does and I completely manage the home e.g., handling finances, planning meals, making appointments, etc. He takes the trash every night and occasionally helps here and there with chores such as dishes or feeding the cats / changing the litter boxes.

But he is borderline incompetent with the occasional random task. He has bought formula on the way home from work dozens of times but just spent $40 buying the wrong kind today. I ask him to watch baby so I can make dinner but he falls asleep and doesn’t wake up to cries. This is why he can’t take night shifts - he physically does not wake up when baby cries and has a problem falling asleep while feeding him a bottle to sleep.

I never thought I’d resent my husband for being the smaller breadwinner. But here I am. The little things he does wrong makes me resent him more and makes me want to ask him to help less. I’m curious if you mamas have felt the same and had fruitful discussions with your partner. Obviously therapy is a good choice but therapy can’t make him less forgetful / gain common sense / etc.

 

[sabresong]

@rubbles Send him back to the store to fix his mistake.

 

[georgevv]

@sabresong She still has to handle everything at home while he wastes his time going to the store twice though.

 

[katrina2017]

@georgevv And take the bb w you

 

[seal87]

@sabresong This is the way. He fixes what he does wrong.

 

[bongoon]

@sabresong Happy cake day. How did the first three commenters join in November 21?

 

[sabresong]

@bongoon Wild!

 

[alej]

@sabresong

• entercake joins the chat below

 

[makesense114]

@bongoon Happy cake day to you!

 

[sabstame]

@rubbles I don’t think you resent him being smaller breadwinner. What you resent is his incompetence- which is completely legitimate. Even if he was the primary breadwinner (and I say this as the ONLY actual breadwinner - although trust me I don’t discount my husband’s contributions at all), I would be frustrated and upset,

 

[soothsayer]

@sabstame I don’t want to speak for OP, but as someone who is also the primary breadwinner by around the same amount as OP is with her husband.. and have also had similar resentment towards the splitting of our household and parenting duties, I think I would resent my husband less if he was the breadwinner. I do think I would still be frustrated, but being both the primary breadwinner and primary parent/household duty person makes me feel like literally everything is on me. If his paycheck was the one contributing more to daycare or our mortgage I think I might feel more comfortable looking for a lower stakes job.

I agree that it sounds like what she resents is his incompetence and the income part is more so maybe she would hope that since he’s not bringing in as much monetary, that he could pick up the “slack” of that by helping more than she does with the house and kid.

 

[neroway]

@sabstame Bingo! I’m the primary breadwinner in my family and my husband is amazing. He does a ton, he doesn’t just “help” with the kids, he’s the primary point of contact because his job is unique and incredibly flexible. I’ve never had negative feelings about his monetary contributions because he more than makes up for it with action. This doesn’t sound like a typical “I make more money than him” issue. He’s not even doing the bare minimum of effort!

 

[sabstame]

@neroway Exactly!!! We get so wrapped up on who makes the most money when it has nothing to do with that. Both parents should be on involved and “parenting”. My husband is also the point of contact and he does a lot. Does he do everything? Absolutely not. I’m the on going to work daily and I still split (or sometimes take all) the parenting duty when I get home. Because I know that I may bring in the money, but he has the harder (and more thankless) job. Pretty much his only thanks is from me (and sometimes from the kids). He doesn’t get to see a paycheck that shows him how much “he’s worth”. (Which is bullshit because money doesn’t actually measure a person’s worth, but I won’t digress.). We are partners in this life. I refuse to enable incompetence anymore (and I say this as someone who has an abusive and “incompetent” ex- husband.

 

[tsubasakato]

@sabstame This could even be what my family likes to call weaponized incompetence. If he's done the tasks correctly before and messing up now it could be because he thinks OP won't ask anymore.

 

[jennifer1987]

@rubbles Does he hold a job where he completes tasks correctly? Could he complete home tasks in the past, or did he drop into the year 2023 not knowing how to do things?

Bought the wrong formula, go back to the store and exchange it. Fell asleep, wake him up.

 

[christy1984]

@jennifer1987 But she shouldn’t have to do this. She’s his wife, not his boss or mommy. He’s a grown adult that needs to step up big time.

 

[jamesmason10]

@christy1984 She shouldn't but she does. No amount of it not being fair is going to make him suddenly change without some kind of action.

 

[bongoon]

@jennifer1987 Happy cake day. We joined the same day.

 

[bongoon]

@rubbles To start I would stop doing anything that benefits him in any way. Cook only for yourself and child(ren), do not do his laundry, etc. honestly I’d start setting myself up for a life that doesn’t involve him and let him figure out/decide if he wants to participate or not so that you are ready to be on your own if necessary.

Little anecdote - My husband had to teach me to do laundry as an adult. Once I knew how to do it, I somehow was tasked with all laundry. A few years later (we’ve been together 24 years), he criticized how I matched his socks. I have not touched his laundry since. It took a few rounds of him running out of clothing to learn I was serious but he caught on.

 

[josephfaith]

@bongoon I’m not a good wife. But this is where I am. I do what I want and I take care of everything that I want taken care of. I believe that my husband notices that I do not need him or ask him for anything even if he does not verbalize this realization. Occasionally when I am running on fumes he gets off his ass and he seems to have a hint of guilt. I feel better being productive than resentful so I try my best to focus on what I want.